How can I deal with people who expect me to be “over this” already? My fiancée died almost two years ago. How can I convince them it’s alright that I’m not “over it”?
Though this question was sent by one reader, lots of people struggle with this issue. I bet you’ve had at least a few run-ins with people on the outside of your grief trying to instruct you on the proper way to grieve.
So many people expect you to be over it, don’t they.
They can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be you, to live inside grief like this. They just want the “old” you back, not understanding that that old you has changed, deeply. It’s so tempting, so easy, to argue your right to your grief. To describe to other people all the things that have changed, all the ways your love is missing, and how that impacts every fiber of your life.
The thing is, no matter how much you say, no matter how much you try to educate them, the truth is, they can’t understand. As tempting as it is to give them that verbal smack-down (even nicely), your words aren’t ever going to get through.
Sometimes it just makes it easier on you, easier on your heart and mind, if you simply stop defending your pain.
Refusing to defend your grief doesn’t mean you let other people go on and on about it, continually telling you how you should live. I’m talking about stepping out of the argument altogether by simply refusing to engage in debates about whether or not your continued pain is valid.
Defending yourself against someone who cannot possibly understand is a waste of your time and your heart.
The important thing to remember is that your grief, like your love, belongs to you. No one has the right to dictate, judge, or dismiss what is yours to live. That they don’t have the right to judge doesn’t stop them from doing it, however.
What that means is that if you want to stop hearing about their judgment, you will need to clarify your boundaries. You will need to make it clear that your grief is not up for debate.
While it’s certainly easier said than done, there are steps you can take to remove yourself from the debate:
- clearly and calmly address their concern.
- clarify your boundaries.
- redirect the conversation.
These three steps, when used consistently, can significantly reduce the amount of judgment that actually makes it to your ears.
Here’s how this might look in actual practice: come up with a stock phrase you can repeat whenever someone lectures you. Steps one and two often get combined in this statement, and it might sound something like this: “I appreciate your interest in my life. I am going to live in this the way that feels right to me, and I’m not interested in discussing it.” This can be especially effective when you follow your statement with step #3, redirecting the conversation, aka – changing the subject: “I’m happy to talk about something else, but this is not open for discussion.”
It sounds really wooden and strange, I know. But the message here – including the formal wording – is that you have a clear boundary, and you will not allow it to be breached in any way.
If there are people in your life who won’t take such a clear boundary without further argument, you can stick to your standard phrase: “That isn’t a topic I’ll discuss,” and then move the conversation onto something else. If they can’t do that, you can end the conversation completely – walk away, say goodbye and hang-up. The important thing is to not allow yourself to be drawn into battle.
It’s awkward at first, but will become a lot easier the more you practice it. Eventually, the people in your life will either get the message – not that you don’t have to be over it, but that you aren’t willing to discuss it – or they will leave.
Grief will absolutely re-arrange your relationships. Some people will make it through, and some will fall away. If they can handle, even appreciate, you staying true to your own heart, then they will make it through with you.
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(this post also appears on Huffington Post. You can read it there by clicking this link.)
Thank you for posting this. Thankfully nobody has dared saying anything like that to me (yet?).
I wonder if you’ve read about something that happened recently in my neck of the woods, Park Slope, Brooklyn. Someone took it upon herself to go over to a community-made memorial for Sammy Cohen Eckstein (which was being tended to by the family, so was not just “rotting” or “garbage” as some who know nothing of the situation have commented) and start cutting stuff down. She stated that “there has been enough mourning.” This was about 3+ months after a child was killed across the street from his home. Someone who witnessed the woman’s actions (and called the police) notified a local blog, and the story traveled a bit and eventually made its way to a national/international audience. Next thing you know you have lots of people with no background information on the incident or the family or the geography of the situation spewing opinions, sometimes shockingly callously and hatefully. As someone whose son died a few weeks before Sammy (and, as a human being), hearing about this and then seeing these ignorant and cold-hearted comments was really disturbing.
that is seriously disturbing. Armchair opinions. Have you seen the post I wrote on the sensationalized and disconnected way people outside a situation criticize and react? It’s over on huffpo, here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/have-you-been-the-news-wh_b_4475842.html
It was indeed very disturbing. Thank you for the link, I will look at it now.
Thank you for posting this. Two months after my mum died, one of my oldest friends basically told me to “get on with it” ..”who are you missing”.. it’s been about 14 months since she did that and I cut her out of my life, but the memory of those words still cuts very deep. It’s validating to see you write..I am not wrong.
Not one bit wrong. There is a vast difference between coming to someone with compassion and concern, and lecturing them in judgment and reproach. Many people mask their judgment in a claim of compassion, but that is just ridiculous.
Megan- how do I get over those words? How do I put them where I’ve put her-OUT of my life? I know in my heart of hearts she was wrong to say that, logically..my mind tells me that. But my heart aches at the memory and the memory comes far too often.
Those words can linger long after the person has been -removed-. Do send me an email – we can talk a little further about this, if you’d like.
I just wanted to tell you that the same thing happened to me and I had to cut two people out of my life that I thought were true friends. It really hurts so badly, but it is their loss, not yours. Although it doesn’t feel like it, especially when we’re feeling lonely, it is good we find out what these people are really made of. Just know in your heart that they lost a good friend in you and that karma will catch up with them. When I hear the words they said to me floating in my mind, I just try to let them float past and focus on something else. Hope this helps a little. I know how terribly painful this can be.
Thank you..that’s very kind. More kindness from a stranger than I got from someone who professed to “love” me. I think of her less often these days, trying to just put it out of my mind. My life is calmer without her and a more gentle place.
Just keep going with that frame of mind…you’ll get way past it someday.
After my father committed suicide, I wished I could wear a black arm band for months–a year, even–to tell people to treat me with a little more compassion, give me a little more distance. This did not happen, of course. Instead, after a few weeks I was told (at work) to be more cheerful. I didn’t comply, but always thought it was so odd that that expectation was there. We don’t do death well in our culture. We pretend that it doesn’t happen, and when it does, we sanitize it. The old rituals and traditions–wearing black for a year (or however long you want to wear it), wailing and keening over the body, sitting with the body for a period of days–we have lost them, and in a way, we have lost how to honor death and those grieving at all.