It’s kind of a job hazard – when I talk about the realities of grief to non-grieving people, it’s never too long before someone says, “well, yeah, but eventually you have to get back to life, right? You have to eventually get over it.”
Get over it. Get back to life.
Get back to life. Have you heard that phrase from people outside of your grief? Even people who truly love and care about you might be pushing you to get back out in to the world, live your life. They may even tell you you have so much to live for.
The thing is, the people who often say these things actually do have a life to go back to. They may be deeply impacted by the death of the one you love, but if their family is intact, if there is no gaping hole in their daily life, they just aren’t going to be affected the same way you are.
I don’t necessarily mean that you had to live with the person you’ve lost in order to be the most impacted by their death. Not at all.
What I mean is that, for many of us, the people we’ve lost were such an integral part of every single day, every single facet of our lives, there really is no “normal life” without them.
There is no part of our universe, our daily lived existence, that they didn’t touch.
There truly is no life to “get back to.”
Eventually, perhaps, new things will begin to grow around the crater that has erupted in the center of your life. The hole itself will remain. I don’t mean that as a downer, either. I mean that a central loss, a loss that shifts the axis of the universe, is not something that simply shrinks over time.
Getting back to life can't always happen inside grief. Instead, we can come to ourselves, to each other, with kindness and respect for what cannot be resumed. Click To TweetWe – you, me, all of us – will not return to the life that was. That’s simply not possible. What we can do is bow to the damaged parts, the holes blown in our lives. We can wonder what parts of ourselves survived the blast. We can come to ourselves, and our irrevocably changed worlds, with kindness and respect.
That’s the real work of grief – to show up with kindness, every day, many times a day. Somehow, if we don’t see it as “fixing” your grief, or “getting back to life,” it makes all that just a little bit easier.
We talk about this a lot in the Writing Your Grief community: how to show yourself kindness, how to survive what is yours to live, and how to respond to those who just want to see you “get better,” without understanding that it’s not that simple. Our next course opens soon. Click this link to see how you might join this gang of fiercely loving broken hearts.
How about you? How do you see the work of grief, for yourself? What could the phrase, “getting back to life” mean for you, if we take it out of the “get over it realm” and think of it differently? Let us know in the comments. Your ideas might help others who are really struggling with this one.
I believe the grief process is different for everyone. I lost my dad early in life and it was difficult for a young girl not to have the protection of a father. I admit I wallowed in my grief and feared going out with friends. It took me years to get over the loss. The sadness is gone now, replaced by happy memories of being with my dad. I still miss him terribly, but I know I have overcome the grief.
This resonates with me. The day to day intimacy with one’s spouse is over. There is no normal after that. Life will never be the same. I have been journaling. Essentially, write to Ron to fill him in on what’s happening in my life and the lives of the kids. That has been better for me than going to a grief group.
That is a good idea. That would have helped me but I didn’t think I had time 18 years ago when my kids were young and at home. Looking back I think it would have helped.
As heartbroken as I feel reading the note and comments above I know in my heart that I’ll make it through the grieving process. I choose to assume the best intent in comments relative to moving forward, but sometimes I allow those comments more hold over me than is due. At this moment in time I do the best I can with and for myself, my mom and my siblings every day. The future? It’s there, but right now I’m focused on being present. Journaling sounds like a good idea–I’ll start this evening.
Getting through my loss has meant starting over. I am not the same since my brother’s passing. I cannot forget to remember that I have become the person I am because of how he impacted my life. In that way I am grateful which is hard to do with all that has happened. He was my best friend and biggest fan after my father passed and I could not have ever imagined seeing the other side of that loss without his words and presence in my life. I will keep the parts of him that only I knew in a special place in my memory and will forever cherish our time together on this earth.
My precious daughter left me (that is how it feels) just before Thanksgiving. I write to her every single day in a journal. I find it helps me feel I am talking to her in a small way. It does not feel at this point that it will ever be better. I miss her so much. We had been through so much together, she had come out as transgender a year and a half ago and I was happy to have a daughter and supported her right away. I told her I had always wanted a daughter, which was true. She struggled with anxiety and depression and Crohn’s disease since she was very young. It was a sudden and unexpected complication form the Crohn’s that caused her death. I have so much anger that she was not able to fully become herself and that she was given so much to deal with in her young life. She was almost 26 and had her life ahead of her. We did everything together and I know I can never go back to life as I knew it before. There is before and there is after, it will never be ok. I think I will try the course at some point, but am not ready quite yet.
I too had a daughter that was transgender. Her father and I loved, accepted and supported her from the very beginning. Unfortunately a year after she came out she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, High Grade Neuroendocrine Carcinoma. She had just met the girl who would later become her wife a month before. We are so blessed to have an amazing daughter-in-law. She was diagnosed at age 22 and passed two years later at 24. She went through so much in her short time on earth. I miss her every day. She lived her life and did what she wanted and had great friends who supported her through both coming out and then cancer. Four months before her diagnosis I almost died from a massive saddle pulmonary embolism. I believe I was spared so that I could be there for my daughter in her cancer journey. I choose to live each day and appreciate it. She showed me how to live life with everything she had been through. I know she would want us to be happy and live our lives for her so that’s what my husband and I do everyday. It’s not always easy and I cry when I need to. Loss will always alter the course our lives but so does how we choose to react to it. Everyone needs to grieve in their own way but that’s what works for us. Being part of online groups where people are experiencing the same thing I am has been so helpful and healing. Love, light and prayers for all who have suffered a loss.
Love this “ It’s not always easy and I cry when I need to. Loss will always alter the course our lives but so does how we choose to react to it. Everyone needs to grieve in their own way but that’s what works for us.” ❤️
my Lydia 23 took her life on January 20 2016. I will never get over this. I cannot get on with my life. my life has forever changed. I just exist. and honestly, I wait for the day my body gives out so I can be out of this unbearable pain
Bless your heart 💔
Oh Sandy my beautiful son Robbie took his own life on 25 Sept 2017 aged 23. My life has forever changed too. I know this unbearable pain. My heart goes out to you 💔💔💔
This is how I feel. My partner took his own life in July and I feel like I have no reason or point anymore. Theres no motivation for me anymore.
I truly understand 23 months now since my son took his life. He was a Army veteran with PTSD. He suffered for 14 years with it. I miss him so much and I know that he stayed here because he loved us as long as he could. However the battle in his head was too much to bare. He was a hero he fought in a war so we could have freedom. But freedom isn’t free for there are prices to pay for it. My family has paid dearly.
So sorry for your loss. I have lost my husband of 24 years 4 months ago and am in deep depression. I too am just dragging myself from one day to the next. Not living. I spend each day in the slight comfort that I am one day closer to joining him
My son took his life 25 november 2017 age 19 I’m stuck in my thoughts he was my world, this pain is relentless. I just want to see him again, if it wasn’t for my daughter I would go too. I can’t see my life without him.
My husband of 22 years died December 3, 2014. He was my soulmate and best friend and the anchor of my life. He was 81 and I, 73. The fact that we were elders didn’t make the loss any less painful. Looking back, I now realize that the intervening years between then and now WERE life. Every part of my grieving was still life. Sometimes I thought I was “doing it wrong” or simply “not doing this very well at all.” But everything I did or didn’t do was simply my new life lived like a stranger in a strange land. I didn’t have to get back to living; I was still in the middle of it, like it or not. I have eventually found the still ever-changing landscapes more familiar and though life is satisfactory now, I have yet to give thanks any morning for one more day.
Great insights Martha! Lost my son 25 years ago, and I’ve never heard life after loss described this way – “Every part of my grieving was still life”.
My 31 year old Angel son Nicholas was killed in a fatal car accident Jan 31, 2020. I love how you’ve highlighted what Martha has so eloquently stated about life after loss – “Every part of my grieving was still life”.
Truth be that Martha! After my hubby Jimmy pasted 2014 March 22nd at 1020 p.m. 5 years later….. what is time anyway? At the “2 year anniversary ” of his death, I hate that word, someone asked me what the 2 year mark was like. I stared at the person, thinking for a moment and said: it feels like someone handed me a big ass clump of messy clay and I’m suppose to put it on the wheel, turn the wheel on and start to resculpt my life….. and I don’t know where the hell to begin.
I agree with you Martha, “I have yet to give thanks any morning for one more day.” 💜
My beautiful Daughter was killed in a car accident March 11. She was 16. I’m broken. Shattered. I just sweep what’s left of heart from one place to the next. I don’t know what to do.
My son Kyle 27 died in a motorcycle accident on march 11 2018. My heart is forever broken.
My eldest son died in a tragic car accident on Feb 25th, four weeks ago today. Some days it feels like I can’t even breathe, and the only thing that gets me out of bed and motivates me to make life happen each day is my two other children, who lost their brother, who will also always carry this loss.
My mom died on March 10. She suffered for four years from Lewy Body Dementia/Parkinson’s. I was her primary care giver. Although she lived in a care facility in San Francisco and I reside in LA, I was the primary point person for all her needs, arranging appointments, financial etc. Now I don’t know what to do with my life. I have a career that I nurtured while taking care of my mom. I’m still working but I feel like what’s the point? That scares me. I am (was?) a hyper responisble person but since her death it takes a lot to get out of bed. I have been “getting on with my life” during the four years she was actively dying and now that she’s gone I just want to stop everything.
Thank you to all who are posting and sharing their stories, they are showing me I am not alone and helping to silence that voice in my head that says: ” I should get back to my life, get on with it. It’s been four m onth and you knew that this day was coming.” Damn that voice.
This is very close to what I feel regarding my son’s death & all the trauma it caused. I was already grieving the loss of my best friend of 20+ years when he killed himself over an untrue accusation. The note he left said that he just didn’t have the strength to fight anymore – he was already suffering from depression & anxiety, but felt like he could not both do his job & deal with the side effects of the medications his doctors were prescribing. That pretty much shattered me, my husband, my Mom & my daughter. I used to take very good care of myself physically, but I too feel like “what’s the point?” anymore and have trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. I am taking an antidepressant & occasionally journaling, but I am having a LOT of difficulty dealing with with the scope of everything that has happened. It’s been about 20 months since he passed & a little over 3 years since my friend passed. Additionally, both my parents & my in laws are elderly & frail. This is life, but it’s a hard scary season of it.
❤️ I have that voice in my head too!
I lost my family March 2018 my daughter Amy, her husband Kevin and my 2 beautiful grandchildren Sterling age 12 and Adrianna age 8 they died while on vacation in Mexico due to carbon monoxide poisoning I’ve never been the same since the second I got the news I will never ever be the same! It’s in month 10 I’m still surviving but not in a good way! Nothing is the same nothing ever will be! I’ll never get over it ever and sadly I’ve been told this by people I thought would never ever say that to me. I take up space in this new life I live for my oldest daughter and her family that’s about it! I’ll never be able to accept this the only good thing is as bad as it sounds I know other people in this world feel like me and know how much we change
My mother and 8 others were killed in a church by a white supermist June 17, 2015. The shock and horror of it all almost killed me. I had to quit my job and moved 1,700 miles back to my home town. On top of that the question of forgiveness towards the killer was over whelming because other family members did. I have good days and bad days. I will always have a big hole in my soul. If it wasn’t for my faith, who knows where I would be.
My life will never be the same again after the sudden death of my 23 year old daughter in December 2018. There will always be a part of my heart missing until we meet again.
I will miss her every single day 💔
I lost my 19 yo daughter Katie suddenly in her sleep Octobr 2018… it still feels like yesterday. I’m better able to control my emotions but I’m as devestated today as 28 months ago. Not many people seem to understnand that! I have had a few that have asked me if “I’m all better yet” I will never be better… just forever changed!
I’m lost and broken my fiancé suddenly passed away on Dec.26th I woke up to find him dead next to me, its now the only thing I see and think about…my heart is searching for him in every thing that happens around me, missing him is what is now defining me, currently I’m just going through the motions of life. He is my one and only my first love and I will miss him for the rest of my life.
Rue so sorry for your loss. My daughter lost her fiancé on August 1st on a float trip. He was her one and only love of her life for 11 years since 8th grade. They were to get married on October 24th. I still grief for him, my daughter, and his parents and family every day. It was like loosing a son and my daughter’s future.
I lost my younger brother. Tomorrow will be 10 months. He was 45. He had non Hodgkin’s lymphoma when he was 18. After the chemo and radiation he still graduated in 4 years, lost his best friend to 9/11. And married and divorced. His 49 yr old artieris were in the condition of a 70 yr old. He died suddenly of “Heart disease” he died from his cancer treatment. He left behind my niece 10, and nephew 6, a wonderful girl friend, more loss, and and awful Ex. So I am also grieving loosing the close relationship with his kids and although we love his girlfriend, we just don’t see her that much just. So my major problem getting through grief, is my husband wants me to get back to life as usual, he says we will always miss him but we need to get back to where we were. I can’t seem to convey the idea that I now live in an parallel universe, that I don’t ever think I will get back. I am for ever changed.
The love of my life, the very reason I breathe everyday….died 01/26/2019. The moment his pain ended, mine began. My pain will last a hell of a lot longer than his pain. He is in everything I see, do, hear, think…..
I lost my dad when I was 29. I lose my husband at age 49. I find it very difficult to even breathe.
My boyfriend died 8/5/19 of septic shock. He was 51 we had been together 4 years but lived together only 2. Before we were 4 hours apart and say each other when we could. My life ended when his did. I always told him we were each other’s heartbeat. And we were. I am consumed with grief. 9 weeks seems like a life time. I miss him every hour of every day
I lost my beautiful daughter, Amy, 30, and her two precious little girls, my only grandchildren, only 5 and 18 months, on Nov 17, 2016. They were killed as they lay innocently and peacefully sleeping. Killed by the one they loved so very much and trusted–her husband of almost 10 years and their father. He then killed himself. We will never, ever understand or have any kind of peace or closure in something so senseless, tragic and horrific. Every day is another day in hell and I don’t know how much longer I can bear this unbearable. I exist only for my one and only other beloved child, my daughter, age 22, and my husband. I do not know how long I can continue on…I am a tortured and tormented soul.
The love of my life died January 3, 2019. He loved me so well, so deeply, so completely that I feel like my insides have been carved out since he’s been gone. I am raw. My normal is gone. Things will never be the same again. I will never have that love back. I miss him so much. I’ve signed up for the next writing your grief group in May. I wish it were sooner.
I’m reading your book at the moment. A little more than half way through and so pleased there is more to come. It is so helpful to acknowledge ‘the crater that has erupted’ in the centre of my life and that it will always be there. Have reached a point in an interesting and helpful discussion with a bereavement bereavement councillor, that I must let my husband be dead … then this led to I must let myself be alive (I’m saying this, not the b.c) This may sound wrong, and I think the b.c. was uncertain with where the discussion was going. But for me, this is so right at this moment BUT all in the context that the crater will always be there and life will be lived with the crater, enormously present.
Still trying to work out how joy can be part of this letting myself live because the crater seems still to be sucking all the joy of life into its depth but there are little bits of joy creeping back in through my girls and my dogs. Re the girls, a line from the Beth Nielson Chapman song, Sand and Water, rings true .. ‘and his laughter fills my world and wears your smile’.
I am finding it difficult to “get back”. I lost my brother in December and then my father in April, and I quit my job in May. They were not supportive after my losses.
Now I’m having trouble finding a new job, and I am much more emotional than I have been. I guess the shock and denial are wearing off…
I hope to try to move forward soon, the guilt of what – in my eyes- I think is me being lazy, is weighing heavy.
As I look through my loss of my child, I realized I was to blame for a lot of people ‘leaving’ me. I wanted to wallow in my pity. I made no attempts to get happy, to move on. I had some wonderful supportive friends – but pushed them away. Everyone struggles in life, eve without grief, and if I made no attempt to get better – why did they need that in their live? If your friends are leaving or not supporting you – we need to ask what WE are doing as well. As harsh as that sounds – if we want to do nothing with our grief, if we do not want to move on – that is on us,no one else
Thank you so much for writing this. I can’t get back to life, most say I’m stuck. But I consider it a victory that I can get out of bed, take care of myself, especially after the trauma I went through, sometimes I push too hard to be operating in life the way I used to.
Well I try to shrug off some things people say because I feel their intent and words don’t always match, but if it hits a nerve I will “fix” what they’ve said and help them understand.
When I hear this I simply advise others that my responsibilities are covered but I can’t be rushed and need to take my time. If a nerve has been struck I may ask what that would look like for the but I hardly do that. I did once and I screamed and it wasn’t good for anyone.
Death is hard for us all. I realize that – and know this in my heart because I never imagined it (grief/loss/this gaping hole) would feel like this.
I try to handle it as a conversation (on a good day. On a bad day I simply say “let’s change the topic please.” I once asked someone what “that would look like”, I actually screamed and that’s not good for anyone – they’re coming from a good place and coaching me as I would have needed in the past but it’s different now.) love to all.
I lost my mom 06/21/2020 to stage 4 pancreatic / lung cancer. She was diagnosed only a month and a half before, so I had very little time to even grasp the thought that my mom wasn’t going to be here for much longer. My daughter was only 6 months old at the time, so while trying to adjust being a new mom, I also did everything I could to help my disabled dad take care of my mom when hospice wasn’t there. Since the pandemic was hitting its peak then, I barely got a chance to see her in person until it was towards the end. I stayed with my parents the last night of her life, and the image of her lying in bed with oxygen while she took her last breaths is something I’ll never get over for as long as I live.
When my younger sister died in January 2018, I lost my best friend. I had spent a year with her when she was in palliative care – 300 miles from my home. I stayed another 13 months after she died, cleaning out her very full house and doing executor stuff. By the time I got home, I discovered I couldn’t just pick up where I left off – at age 65, I had to completely rebuild my life. Then came COVID…
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