This week’s question tackles the topic of “grief brain” and how long it actually lasts.
Welcome back to our new series of posts drawing from conversations taking place on the Grief Revolution Patreon.
Such great exchanges are taking place in that growing community of grieving and supportive hearts that we want to enable the wider community to benefit as well. So, with the consent of our awesome patrons, each week we dive into our archive of monthly live Q&A sessions and share a new question, its answer, and any subsequent discussion.
Here’s our conversation about grief brain… what it is, and how long it lasts.
Michelle L.: Good morning Megan! What are your thoughts on how long “grief brain” lasts? After nearly 1.5 years out of the workforce, I returned in a part-time capacity in an entirely different industry. Six months into the job and it still takes tremendous effort to stay on task and interact with people during the day.
Megan: Good morning friend! Grief brain lasts so. very. long.
In my own experience, it took nearly 5 years to feel like most of my capacity came back. You’re still so early in this, at just 3 years.
I think grief has a much longer half-life than we expect, even when we understand the process and attend to it.
There’s also that part of the mind that says – who cares about this stuff? The work itself, the daily interactions with other people – compared to Joshua’s death and your grief, what do these things matter? Finding interest in the “common” world after a loss like yours is so difficult, and it takes a long time.
In terms of focus and attention span, it might be useful to track the times your mind is more able to do that work, how long your windows of attention tend to last, and note which interactions or tasks are more difficult to complete.
A bit of an assessment period, so you have a sense of which parts are harder, and what times of day (or other factors) might influence it all. That wellness/worseness exercise in the book might be good, if you apply it to work itself. <3
Michelle L.: Grief’s half-life! Those words feel true. And the “who cares about this stuff” is spot on. My heart is not in it … but it’s a good distraction and provides some structure to my day that feels needed. Great thought on the wellness/worseness exercise!
Megan: I say that to myself quite often, when I feel the effects of my own grief. Grief has a half-life.
I think grief has a much longer half-life than we expect, even when we understand the process and attend to it. Click To TweetWant to get involved with conversations about any and all things grief-related, and get to see videos, comics, and animations before anyone else? Patrons get the first look at everything we create AND get to vote on which topics get covered! And more! Join the Grief Revolution at patreon.com/megandevine/
How about you? Have you experienced any of the effects we refer to as “grief brain,” which includes memory loss, confusion, an inability to concentrate or focus, and more. These things are all normal inside grief. They do tend to be temporary, but they last a lot longer than you would think. How has grief changed the way your mind works?
Thank you. Refuge in grief has been such a great tool for me. Some days I have more clarity than others. After losing my husband suddenly and my flipping upside down, my brain feels almost useless most days. I tell people it’s like playing a game of charades daily just to complete the simplest sentences. Thanks again for the you have provided.
I’m 4 months into this and my brain is mush!!!!!! I can be talking and in mud conversation go blank absolutely nothing interests me. Most days I’m barely existing and surviving. His income was the only income I haven’t worked in 10 years so not only this mess going I have to learn to live life w/out him grief and survive.
The “rule of thumb” to not make any major decisions for a year makes sense when you realize that someone with a grief brain is the one doing the deciding. I did not follow the rule and realized much later that I missed some fairly obvious (to others, not to me) problems with the path I was taking. Costly indeed.
I didn’t honor that year and made some of the worst decisions I could have made. So now I have the should have, could have, would have’s about my husband’s death but also for those things I decided badly.
It has been five years since my husband passed away and I have times of experiencing grief brain. Sometimes when I am really missing him, a super lot like to the point that I can’t breath and I just wish so much he was here, my brain feels like it checks out. I can’t think properly and my thoughts are not clear.
For the most part I am now able to focus and think clearly but it did take a very long time. Sometimes when I am tired my brain feels like its regressed and I’ve taken a few steps backwards.
Today I was talking to someone about how it feels like it has been so long and I feel like there is something wrong with me because moving on or move forward seems to be taking so so so very long.
I’ve been struggling with ‘grief brain’ or ‘widow brain,’ from the moment I got the call that my husband was found dead in his hotel room while on a business trip in 2017. I don’t even remember getting that call. The call that would completely change my whole life forever. I have no memory of next calling my mom and screaming and crying into the phone just enough so she could tell I was taking about my husband and he was dead. After my sister confirmed this beyond horrible news, life would never be the same.
My memory problems set in immediately. My mom came to stay with me and she said I used to wake her up in the middle of the night and ask her when my husband was coming home. She’d remind me he was dead and I’d start crying like I was hearing it for the first time.
My mom took me to many different doctors and I had an EEG and am EKG and both came back normal. When I finally went for psychometric testing, that was a real eye-opener. Some of the tests were easy because I was using my long-term memory. For anything using my short-term memory…I did awful. I couldn’t remember directions I’d just been told or the number sequence that was read to me 30 seconds ago. This is getting too long, but it’s just been 2 years and I’m still really struggling. I applied for disability and was denied and am currently appealing and also working with the state workforce commission to see about obtaining gainful employment.
Grief brain is indeed a real thing. It’s been explained to me in non-medical terms as when someone is central to your life and they’re suddenly not there anymore one day…your brain doesn’t know how to make sense of it. Your brain also tries to block traumatic memories so you don’t think about them and get upset, but it blocks new memories from being implanted in your brain. It’s as if a bridge has collapsed and nothing can get over the water anymore. You keep trying to cross the same bridge, but it’s gone. A new bridge has to be built and that takes a long time. This is PTSD. It’s just awful. It doesn’t discriminate. Who knows why some people experience memory problems and others don’t. I feel like I had the worst and 2nd worst possible things that could happen occur on the same day. I love my husband and I lost my memory/sanity.
I don’t even know if I’ve articulated this so it’s comprehensible. It’s all so extremely confusing to me and everyone I meet. Even some doctors I went to had never heard of this happening.
I make lots of lists, made a chart on a whiteboard with painter’s tape and a list of daily duties I can check off, put all kinds of reminders on my phone with 2 alarms and I still miss appointments and go places on the wrong day.
The only thing that helps this is processing your loss and time. Time to get adjusted to being without your beloved and time for your brain to start rebuilding those roads that suddenly led nowhere. Cut yourself a lot of slack and give yourself a LOT of time. Hang in there.
I have this problem to the point I retired early my memory is shot. I cant remember names of people my husband and I were friends with. I lose tract in the middle of conversations. I feel like I have early onset alzheimers. My husband passed away 6/1/2016
I lost my son to a heroin overdose on Saturday 11/9/19. I am consumed with grief and pain. I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I cannot eat, sleet, or concentrate. Please help. What immediate steps can I take in these first few days to feel better.
UGH! I just heard of the term “widows brain” a few days ago. You all explain exactly what has been the description of my life for nearly six years since I lost my husband in a freak accident… and I can’t seem to snap out of it. Of course some days are better than others.. I do enjoy time with family and friends and certain activities… but sometimes I too feel like I’ve got a certain degree of Alzheimer’s. I also have lost the oomph and motivation I once had. Lots of times I just don’t care. I can’t possibly fit anything else in my head or it might explode.
I forget what I’m saying, I forget words or can’t spit them out, I’m foggy at least half the time, some days it takes tremendous effort to get up and get dressed never mind work tasks.
I think about the circumstances of his death daily, I take my five minutes and carry on… but it’s always there. He was my best friend and biggest fan… and he’s just gone. And all this is left in his place. And it’s exactly like “this happened, nothing else could possibly matter”.
Does it help you that I could have written the exact same things you have written? (You have lots of company in your struggle to ‘normalize’)
It’s been 2 years this month that the police knocked in my door to ‘inform me’ that my husband of 35 years ‘didnt make it’ I HATE THAT TERM NOW, after his auto accident one Sunday morning.
Needles to say I miss him 24/7. And I mean MISS him. M I S S. H I M.
Cant think straight half the time, lose words, scared all the time, so emotional I burst into tears at Walgreens when I heard the clerk speak the word JAMES, my Jim🥰.
You are not alone, maybe on yr 3 I’ll be better but I doubtful. I want Jim to come home