“Use this time alone to get more comfortable with yourself!”
“You have to be ok being alone before you look to other people.”
Have you heard this stuff inside your grief? Whether you’re hearing it from people when you say you miss your person, or you’re struggling with the enforced alone-ness of the pandemic, bizarre shaming like this is common everywhere: in grief, inside this pandemic, in self-help books everywhere, in pop psychology, in dating advice (especially in dating advice!):
You shouldn’t need other people to feel whole. You need to get comfortable with yourself first.
Friends, I have been comfortable with myself for DECADES. I did not need grief OR this pandemic to get better at being alone. Extra credit study was not needed.
This stuff is so pervasive, it’s time to break it down and tell the truth: Humans need other humans. Loneliness is real. There’s nothing wrong with you for wanting connection.
There is nothing wrong with longing for a populated life.
But that’s not how we talk about loneliness, is it. Much like with grief, expressions of loneliness are typically met with platitudes and dismissal. It’s like you’re failing some secret test by not being 100% self-contained.
Think about the things we say to somebody when they say they’re feeling lonely:
“You shouldn’t need other people to feel whole.”
“Use this time to be more comfortable in your own skin.”
“Think of it as time to get to know yourself better.”
“You’re your own best friend.”
“Don’t be so needy. People won’t like you.”
“If you aren’t ok in yourself, you’re just going to attract the wrong person.”
All of these mean exactly the same thing: Your feelings are not valid. You shouldn’t BE lonely. You aren’t good enough as you are; you clearly need improvement. You must attain perfect levels of self-love, self-comfort and self-entertainment. Only when you have basically ERASED ALL NEEDS FOR HUMAN CONNECTION will you be considered good enough to have said connection.
It might be true that most people “mean well” when they say this stuff, but there is an unspoken second half of the sentence in those attempts to “make you feel better,” and that 2nd half of the sentence is mean, dismissive, and wrong. Try sticking, “so stop feeling so bad” or “you’re not good enough as you are” at the end of those quoted statements up there. See what I mean?
It’s as if: you are unloveable in your current form.
As if: it is “not evolved” to need touch, companionship, shared joy.
As if: having needs means there’s something wrong with you. (“being needy” is an insult, right?)
As if: those who are partnered have achieved perfect self-reliance (because by this “logic” – you won’t be loved until you don’t need to be loved, therefore anyone who’s partnered became perfect first).
So what’s a better response when someone says it’s hard being alone inside this pandemic? Or when they say they’re sad and lonely after a death or a break up?
How about: “That sounds really hard. Want to tell me about it?”
Or maybe: “People need people; you’re no different. Is there anything I can do that would make you feel less lonely today?”
Or – handy in lots of circumstances – “It entirely sucks. Being alone is hard. Would a zoom brunch date feel good this weekend? I can drop off cinnamon rolls on your porch first.”
Normalize feeling lonely. Loneliness is its own special region of hell, and being single – by choice or by circumstance – is tough in a coupled-up, locked-down world. Having a rough time doesn’t have to be a competition, and it doesn’t give anyone the “opportunity” to tell you you aren’t good enough exactly as you are.
Loneliness isn’t a test. You don’t have to come out of this “better” than you are. True now, true yesterday, true whenever this public health crisis resolves into whatever, true as your grief shifts and changes: your needs are valid. Humans need humans. Isolation is hard AF.
You don’t need to be improved. You deserve to be loved as the awesome, imperfect, not-needing-to-be-perfect person you are.
Wishing for some company inside your grief? The Writing Your Grief course and community isn’t like most places on the internet: no one’s going to shame you for being sad. No advice, no judgement, no cheerleading – just acknowledgment and support. Come on in – we saved a spot for you. All the info you need is right here.
Thank you for this validation. Loneliness is hard AF. I’m tired of seeing, being told, and hearing in my own head the platitudes above. They just make it worse and things already feel bad enough.
Having lost my wife’s a couple months ago being alone adjusting not understanding is Greek terrible horrible hole lucky enough to have my granddaughter over Thanksgiving A Simple Touch the touch I haven’t felt from anyone in a long time it was like an epiphany that I’m not alone and I’m still loved
I feel this to the depths of my soul… esp. the part about needing physical connection… that touch. For me, that is non-sexual in nature… just to be hugged. I go days and weeks without any contact. And for most of my life, that has been an issue… with the platitude about being ok with being alone. Yeah, well, I became OK with being along, but now I struggle to connect at all. I’m in a double-bind of needing that connection, and not wanting to deal with the pain of having to cope with the ups and downs of any human relationship. The best therapy for me has been massage therapy, but it’s expensive.
Deb died March 29th 2021. I still don’t have a moments piece in my mind or my heart and I have not heard from most of our “friends and family” for such a very long time. I thought I was getting through this grief thing a little better. When Oct.30 rolled around, her birthday, It came crashing in. Then Thanksgiving, our very important family event. Then Dec. 1st, our anniversary, then Christmas and New Years. For 45 years this was our time of every year. Now, I don’t know what to do and almost no word or acknowledgement from anyone. I have 2 friends, a married couple, who at least call every day and they bring me food and anything else I might need from the store so many times. They are my only help here. My children do call once in a while with the same question every time, ” how are you doing”. This past season the loneliness has been so hard to cope. I have prayed to the lord and talked to Deb every day for some kind of guidance and signs, but I seem to be in a place of isolation and loneliness. At this point of so much emotional downs I don’t want to be here any longer and I find myself asking the lord to let me be with her. I need a hug, a hug from her. To me I feel there are no other hugs out there and this loneliness is so loud. I have no answers for my questions, I am alone.