With the recent news of Harriet Tubman being put on the US $20 bill came a weird and unsettling backlash: people suggesting that maybe the US could find a “more attractive” photo of her.
One where she’s smiling.
Aside from the fact that none of the dead white males on any other US currency are smiling, and that no one demands those founding fathers look more attractive for the money-using public, there’s something else unsettling about this: the idea that appearing happy is the only appropriate facial expression.
Harriet Tubman had zero reason to be beaming in that photograph. Sticking a smile on her face would have changed nothing, and it would have been a lie.
Reading the Tubman-smile social commentaries, my mind quickly jumped to the memory of a stranger telling me, early in my grief, that things “couldn’t possibly be as bad” as my facial expression seemed to say they were, and that I really should smile. Don’t be so sad.
Right. Embrace the light, man. Shake off that darkness. Nothing can be that bad. Everything will be better with a smile.
How many times grieving people are asked to lie, to match our faces to a socially acceptable smile, rather than wear a face that more closely matches our hearts.
Barbara Ehrenreich calls this the “tyranny of the positive.” I love that.
There’s nothing wrong with smiling when you actually feel like smiling. There’s nothing wrong with looking on the bright side when you feel like looking on the bright side. There’s nothing wrong with finding gratitude, shaking off some darkness, or finding the humor inside something.
There’s nothing wrong with it when you choose it for yourself. When it’s assigned to you, that’s where the problem lies.
That others are uncomfortable with your reality is their problem, not yours. That other people would be more comfortable if you just pretended to be happy and smiling is their problem, not yours.
Your grief is yours. Your life is yours. Do whatever you want with your face. Harriet’s with you, and I am too.
How about you? How has ‘the tyranny of the positive” shown up in your life? As always, I love your comments.
I also hate it when I am walking down the street immersed in a certain sadness and someone walking in the opposite direction makes a comment and tells me to smile. I want to smack them. Who are they to tell me to smile and what business is it of theirs.
I once knew a person who would not tolerate sadness in others at all. If you were sad around him he would make comments about it. Needless to say we are no longer friends.
Roberta,
Please give yourself a break. Being sad is part of it as you should know by now. Do something fun for yourself. There have been many, many happy people out there that have worn your shoes and decided to get out of the sadness that surrounds them and you. Look for something that reminds you of the happy times you had with the person you lost. I have, and it works! My Son is a daily reminder of the all the happiness that my wife provided to us in our lives.
Good luck,
Patrick
“Smile!” It can’t be “that” bad! If they only knew….
Somewhere around week 6 after the death of the love of my life I reavhed out to a lifelong friend in my morning desperstion. After I commented on the pain of going straighg from a nightmare to the worse reality of concioudness My paim was met with this response,
“Mornings are the start of a new day. Dreams are opportunity for enlightenment and growth. Wake up and kick ass regularly.”
Yeah, mornings are the start of yet another day without my love- there is no growth, only pain.
Almost 2 decades ago, I was crying while walking down a city street several months after my sweetheart had died. A man remarked that such a pretty girl shouldn’t be crying. I shouted at him that my boyfriend had died. He crossed the street. I walked on, crying even harder. People can be so stupid.
This one really got me. I have really gone off on people who make remarks like why can’t you smile or what’s wrong with you today? Luckily for me I am not one to not tell people how it really is. I can’ imagine how others deal with this who aren’t as brazen and bold as I am. I have realized now that I am on this shitty journey too, how much work we have to do. As a society we simply suck at helping grievers. I’m not happy I had to be a part of this tribe, but man I am happy I found you.