Death is never just one thing, at one place in time. Even cremation is not forever. What you do with the ashes of your beloveds, or how you relate to their burial sites, is a moving point of balance.
I spent almost the entire day out in the gardens today. I’m exhausted, but the good kind of exhausted. I tend to be a perpetual motion machine in the garden – I don’t stop until my body physically refuses to move another step. I sat down for a few minutes to finish my tea, and one of my cats immediately jumped up in my lap.
I could tell I was getting tired, because as I sat there with him, looking out at the garden beds, I wondered where I’d bury my cats, when the time came to make such decisions.
Road hazard of where I spend my days: death is never far from my mind.
Burials are strange.
Because we had no legal documentation of what Matt wanted done with his body should he die unexpectedly, there was a nasty, bizarre free-for-all in the days after his death (all the more reason you need to make your wishes known!) In the end, I had Matt’s body cremated. Part of his ashes where scattered in a favorite place in the woods, in a ceremony with his mother and some of his siblings. Some went to his son, who had ashes mixed with tattoo ink, his father etched into his left arm.
I scattered some of Matt’s ashes as I drove across the country almost four years ago. (that post is here) . Some of his ashes are in a little bag I carry in my car, in the event of spontaneous scattering. The rest are still in a box. The box for his ashes was crafted by a friend back when I couldn’t open the shipping box that contained the box of his body. The wooden, handmade box is the size of the shipping container. It’s huge. What’s left of that body I loved now shares space with artifacts of his life, our life.
What do you do with a box of what remains of the body you've loved? All the answers are strange. Click To Tweet I had a discussion the other day with someone whose husband’s death was just a few months before Matt’s – what do we do with the ashes, several years down the road, in different houses now, different places? What do you do with a box that is too large to tuck away, and too important to just stick anywhere? They aren’t really “decor.”It’s all so weird.
What we do with our bodies, the vehicles that held love for a short time – such a fraught thing. So loaded. Battles and longing and no right place anywhere. What do you do with a box of the body you’ve loved? Is that stone marker an anchor, a touchstone, or something you pass by, unmoved? How does your relationship change to the ashes, or the gravestone, the cemetery, or the garden bed?
As with most things grief, there’s no correct answer about any of this. Just on my mind today.
And a reminder – to the best of your ability, family politics notwithstanding, what you do with ashes that are in your possession is entirely up to you. There’s no right way, there’s no right answer. In a situation where the solution you want – to not have ashes, because your person is alive and well – is not possible, there is only your inner compass of “what feels right, right now.” Follow that.
How about you? Did you get to choose, or have to choose? What’s your relationship with the place where your beloved’s remains (in whatever form) reside? And have you made decisions for what you want done with your body, when you’re gone? Leave a comment and let us know.
Thank you for this important reminder, dear Megan. It is well worth sharing. I’ve placed a link to your post at the base of my own on this same topic: In Grief: What to Do with Cremation Ashes? here, http://bit.ly/2fwi1pU
Thank you Marty!
I buried my husband’s ashes, and have the little plot next to him.
Interesting timing. Our son was killed as a passenger in a vehicle rollover. Today I am taking his ashes to have some separated out to be incorporated in some glass blown pieces. I find it a hard decision. Part of me thinks his ashes should be kept together, the other part wants a part of him near me in a pendant. My husband and our second son aren’t sure either. Adam loved to travel and we want part of him to continue to travel with us and his close friends.
My husband died 3 years ago on August 14, 2014. I have his ashes in their silver box in the house next to a picture of him holding our daughter when she was a baby. At first I was comfortable with that, but now I’m finding I’m not. I wish I had buried them so that I would have a place to go to talk to him but I did not because of the possibility of moving (and leaving him behind) and my original wish that our ashes be mixed together and scattered in a special place we talked about long ago. I’m strangely finding myself uncomfortable with his ashes here in the house now. However, that will have to continue unless I move somewhere else permanently which is something that’s up in the air right now. I may stay here or I may move to be closer to our daughter and grandson, and I guess once that choice is made I will decide what to do with his remains. I find it sad that the presence of his remains in our home seems to be preventing me from moving forward. I’ll never forget him or stop loving him, but I don’t know that this is helping me process the loss. Even so, these emotions make me feel as though I’m betraying him.
My husband died August 12th, 2014. Some of his ashes are buried in the plot with his parents, some given to his brother who spread them at a local raceway they loved to go to each summer. I knew I would not want them in the house with me for some of the reasons you mention in your comments.
My husband died August 29, 2017. Part of his ashes were buried and some I took home in a box thinking we would be scattered together some day. About a year snd a half later, it no longer felt comforting to have them. I was thinking of moving and it started feeling like a responsibility to have his ashes the rest of my life. After much thought, I buried the ashes that i had with the previously buried ashes. And I have since moved out of state. In no way has it diminished my love for him and the grief of my loss. Physical remains are just physical remains. His spirit is well imbedded in my heart and soul. I now want to decompose back to the earth. Either a green burial or as human compost. Do what feels right to you at the time. There is no right or wrong.
Im in that same turmoil. Its been seven yrs. Then something inside of said put the ashes away it will help me move forward. I feel guilty but I know its for my own growth. Tomorrow night is the night to put him away. Stay strong and God bless.
Tomorrow will be two years for us since my hubby passed. We knew he wanted to be cremated, but left the scattering up to me. We (me and my two young kids) buried his ashes on a favorite beach about an hour flight from where we live. We make the journey each September long weekend. Today we are spending the day with him at his beach. The kids are playing in the water and the sand, I am journaling and r adding and thinking. I like that it’s a destination for us and not something we see every day. It’s a special place to go and remember.
I have decorative boxes all over my house with the ashes of my Mom, Dad, brother and many many of my furbabies. I love knowing they are still with me in some way.
What happens to all of those boxes when you go? Just curious.
My husband and I said that what the survivors do after we are through with the body is up to them.
A medical college took his body for research, cremated him, and sent his ashes. The box has been with us for alomst 15 years.
We don’t display his box. He has been on the top and bottom shelf of the plant shelves, on a shelf in my bedroom, with one son for a few years as my life settled down. We already have a few stories about the box!
One of them, when his 8 year old grand-daughter asked about him, she recognized that he is important to her, although she will never know him. She put her hand on his box a couple of times and told him she loved him.
We don’t know what will happen either. It would be great if my ashes could mingle with his. Then we both get to travel with our kids!
My husband is in a box under my bed, but he is also scattered all over his home state of MN, up and down the Central CA coast we loved so much, in all of our friends back yards so every one has a bit of him, in northern Ca at a camp he attended, in the 18th hole at Pebble Beach (that was a fun dash and dump!) and perennially in a baggie, for, like you, when inspiration hits me on the go. When I travel he comes; he’s attended weddings and funerals. I could go on, but you get the picture.
Her is everywhere, always, both literally and figuratively, and this approach to his ashes has helped me laugh and celebrate him even as I mourned. Writing this is making me smile.
My husband is still in the box from the crematory. It is in what looks like a gift bag from a party decorated with ribbons. The box is in my china cabinet where I put it 18 months ago. I hate to leave him stashed away, but feel like doing anything else is yet one more thing he thought it better for me to deal with.
I had my horse, my partner of 14 years, Rhett put down humanely Labor Day weekend of this year. And arranged to have his body cremated. Other options were cheaper, but when dealing with the loss of a large animal, were not acceptable to me.
He is being brought home to me tomorrow, Sept 11th. A day that is already difficult for me since I lost my best human friend that morning 17 years ago.
I plan on eventually spreading his ashes at the barn we boarded at for nearly the entire time we were partners. Another bag I will take with me when my family and I go to PA next year. First out of state vacation in 14 years, since I cared for him daily during that time. He was bred, trained and raced, in PA. Some I will carry with me in two necklace urns. One permanently in the SUV, that already smells less like him after just over a week. The other around my neck. And some I will have mixed with tattoo ink, when I get his tattoo number put on my wrist. The rest will take a place of honor in the house. Waiting to be mixed with mine when I pass and am cremated. My husband and daughter know how I want my body handled upon my passing. Since I became ill 15 years ago, we have discussed death many times.
I like that you shared that you scattered the ashes spontaneously while you were driving around. I think that would be a good idea since the emotions can spark at any minute. With that in mind, I will be having my partner’s remains cremated in the future and bring it to places where we had the most memory. We are still too healthy for this, but I am just curious about what to do with the ashes.
My Sweetie is in a nicely crafted box with her favorite sweatshirt draped over it. She sits on the dining room table. It is not that I chose having her there, but I cannot think of a better place at this time. I am currently making preparations to bury her next spring. I cannot bear the thought of spreading her ashes or separating them. I have the ashes of her dog. He will be buried with Sweetie during her burial service. It comforts me to think that she won’t be alone while she waits for me to join her. I would like to have her brought up when I go and to have our ashes mixed into one container.
That’s an interesting idea to have some of a loved one’s ashes in a tattoo. I wouldn’t want to get a tattoo, but I do like the idea of having a memory of them where ever you go. Having a necklace or something like that with ashes in it sounds like a good idea to me.
I like that you kept a few of the ashes in your bag in case you want to scatter it spontaneously during your trip. I will definitely do that as well when my husband gets cremated in the future. He is still doing well today, and there is no sign of sicknesses or risks. But we just talked about how we want to be buried when we die in the future while we were hanging out in the garden, and he specifically chose cremation. Thanks for the idea.
I still have my husband’s ashes. he died 5 years ago. I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t think of him as being there “in the box” at all. The box is on a shelf in a closet. I live near the ocean but he wasn’t fond of beaches or swimming. He loved the mountains but the nearest ones are a 2 hour drive and freeway driving intimidates me now. Also the idea of bone fragments in the ashes really creeps me out.
Thanks for explaining that there’s no right answer for what to do with the ashes, since it’s entirely up to you. My mother passed away recently and she made it clear that she wanted to be cremated, so I’ve been thinking a lot about the best thing to do with her ashes. I’m glad I read your article because you helped me feel a lot less pressure about the cremation decisions I need to make.
I like that you talked about scattering his ashes in places that he loved and with people that he loved. My wife and I are getting older and are trying to plan for the future so that we can take some of the burdens off of our family. We will make a plan for after we pass using some of the information in your article.
I love how you said to do what feels right when it comes to handling the ashes of a loved one. My mom recently passed and she had asked to be cremated. My sister and I are thinking of scattering her ashes somewhere meaningful so that her final resting place is a good one.
I would like my ashes to be mixed with my husbands. (We’re both alive right now) then I would like to be a tree. A nice tall gum tree that could feed the koala’s and be a home for other animals. The problem I have is I don’t know where I’d like to be planted.
I created a Google Map “My Map” of all the places my boyfriend’s ashes have been placed. Brendan’s many, many friends and family members have taken a bit of Brendan to different places. I have 60 places around the world so far. You can add pictures and comments to each location and then you can share the link with friends and family. I thought of doing this after seeing one family’s planned out road trip through route 66. It gave me this idea. Take a look if you’re interested… https://drive.google.com/open?id=1Y82xRfQdQEW2L5uQkLbEkcvfPk1FxnkF&usp=sharing
My 53 yo brother and best friend died suddenly of a heart attack 6 yrs ago. I have his ashes with me. I watched a program on TV that made me start thinking. The question was “ What will happen to anyone’s ashes that you have after you die?” That’s a scarey question. They could get lost or even thrown out if no one knows what they are! I decided to make sure that didn’t happen and purchased a Ninche’ in a columbarium at a nice cemetery here in town. I am presently planning to take his ashes there. It’s something to think about.
I am at a loss. I miss my wife so much. She died six Months ago from cancer. She was the love of my life. Her ashes are on a display shelf in our living room with all of her pretty glass and vases. She wanted to be spread in the garden but what if I decide to sell and move some day? I don’t know what to do. I am having a very hard time without her. I am alone and have no one to talk to about this. I pray that I will wake up and it was all a terrible nightmare and she will be laying next to me in the morning.
I have a complicated question. my husband died 4 years ago and was cremated. I now feel I need to remove his ashes as we were emotionally divorced but I cared for him to the end. he did not have a good relationship with his mother and his only daughter passed 1 year after him. I need help on deciding where to put his ashes. I want to do what is right. don’t want my decision to haunt me. he lived his daughter so I was thinking of planting tulips at his daughters grave putting his ashes with them. as it is allowed by cemetery to do so. then I thought of just scattering his ashes at his mother’s grave. but she never raised him and they fought all the time. even though he betrayed me I did forgive him of all and he told me he loved me just before he passed.
I think I know the right answer, but need some confirmation. I am a believing and spiritual person so this is important.
thank you.
I have a question not knowing what to do for myself or what others may be expecting or thing I’m not sure. I lost my fiancée 6 months ago tomorrow. I personally mourn his loss daily but I have no ashes or rights to anything. I did the celebration of life cause I was afraid it not get done in a except-able way. That just me. Do I continue to do my own thing an not invite or inform others cause I’m not excepted very well in the prior family (ex) an in my feelings an thoughts he was not a member of that family any longer only become a helper when they needed something but never included in an other events to even attempt to establish a extended family. It always seems it made both of them him the (x) an the (son) when he did go over. My personality type is not the same in that manor an I call people out when I see People being used an he just tried to be kind because of son which I get 40% just for his sons behalf not mine they just dont reciprocate that back to him it appeared unfortunately. But this is my time an I want to honor my baby. Any advice be much appreciated so much.
I feel a post on fb for my family friends an our friends would be okay I think because I excepted a 14 hour work day tomorrow so I don’t have to be home when they deliver it. An then drive it all the way back home the get the Fededo an chichken dinner tommoeeto work that Late! Any sense ggetstiom,