I had such a great conversation with host Helen Raptis of AM Northwest. In this short tv segment, we covered a lot of territory: why words of intended comfort feel so bad to grieving people, what you should really say instead of “everything happens for a reason,” and – bonus! – you’ll learn the one key thing to remember that will improve your support and care of others.
I’d love to say something enticing, like: do this one thing, and you’ll see a 200% increase in your grieving friend’s satisfaction with your support skills!
But that doesn’t really sound like me. So I’ll leave it at this – if you really want to support a grieving friend or family member, watch this tv clip.
Some great advice for those who struggle with saying the right thing when someone has passed away.
My daughter sent to this to me and posted it online for her friends and everyone else to see after the death of her husband. I think we’ve all failed her, so far at least, and while I don’t think we literally screwed up — because even this expert explains SHE had it wrong until she experienced death up close — I think it’s not too late to make positive changes based on this wise woman/therapist’s words.
Thank you for your book. My friend whose baby died close to her due date, found you. When I asked how best to support her, she told me about your book which I promptly bought and read. Thank you for the concrete support you provide to people in grief, and thank you for helping me to not say anything stupid in an effort to “fix” something that cannot be fixed.
you’re so welcome, Deb. Glad you found it helpful.
It is so important to support people when they go through difficult times. You want to make sure that you are saying the right things to avoid hurting anyone more. This may be useful for a friend of mine that is thinking about getting grief support.
My mother took her own life on September 3rd of this year. So many people say, “Call if you need to talk…..call if you need anything. ” I always think why dont you call me? Why is it my job when Im already navigating so much trauma and pain to then have to reach out? Am I going to call and ask you to bring my kids a pizza because I cant bare the thought of eating? No. Am I going to call because I need to talk? No. Am I going to ask you to come watch my kids so I can take a breath? No. How about if you show up? There may be things I dont even know I needed until you showed up and told me to leave. Tangible help.
So true. Different from your situation, my husband has stage 4 colon cancer. All I want is for people to call me. Offer help. I can’t get myself to call them. Sometimes I feel so lonely.
Hey Magen, and thank you for these insights.
my friend’s sister died in a car accident last year, when she was only 27 years old. He’s in a foren country right now, having his PhD, and has no time to grief (his words). He shares he’s distress with me, but I feel like he doesn’t give himself time to grief and feel the pain to a degree of denial. I’m worried for his well being but at the same time I know that that’s his journey, and I have to respect that. Other than pointing out to him that he can take some time for himself, and that it’s OK to hurt, and of course to be available for him – I was hopping you’d have another advice for me. How to help someone who is not available for receiving help?
I’m sure the video has many constructive things to say. Unfortunately, I am hard of hearing. A written version would help me much more.
there should be subtitles available. Just click the little gear icon.
Best grief book available,have audible&have listened 7+times…as concentration is off…due to grieving. Wonderfully written,w much understanding&compassion.
My daughter “found” your book and I have the audio version. It has been so helpful in guiding me in my grief since my husband of 47 years died unexpectedly. I have lost count of the number of times I dip into listening. It is a remarkable tool; a huge comfort; a wonderful support system. I have told many, many people about it and sent it to some. Thank you for writing it.
My daughter’s friend died in a car accident two months ago. He was a beautiful, healthy, vibrant young man; contributing so much and with so much to look forward to. He was in love with life. I’ve been to visit his mom a few times… she is shattered and heartbroken. Besides wanting to make her pain go away, which is what we so want to do when somebody is hurting, there is something else at work. Fear. I can walk up to the abyss she is in, but I don’t want to go in. It’s so terrifying to imagine being in her shoes; if my daughter suddenly died in an accident. I don’t just want the pain to go away for her. I don’t want to acknowledge that any of us could be in this kind of pain at any moment. I *like* being in denial about the possibility of losing someone I love, not to mention the denial I’m in about my own death.
I experienced the loss of an Aunt, and I was it was better for he to die than remain in this suffering. And they wanted to rush her to the grave instead of waiting till death came. So you are correct, we need to think before we speak. Death is handled differently for each person. Grieving after a loved one dies should be expected, and even tears bleeding ❤️ and wound that it will never heal, just scalp over.
you did a really nice job with a reporter who really was more interested in her own point of view. A perfect example of a person waiting to talk, instead of listening.
I lost my beautiful healthy 41 year old daughter to sarcoma on May 24, 2018. She left behind 3 precious children and loving husband. Our family is broken. I am and will always feel like I’m in early grief!
I’m so sorry for what you are feeling and your deep deep loss of Becky … I would feel the same. Bless you.
My beautiful daughter died last May, she was 41..I wish people wouldn’t go quiet when her father and I talk about her, she’s still alive in our hearts.. their discomfort means we don’t talk about her too much anymore, only amongst ourselves
I purchased the book and am waiting on delivery. I have a question however.
We just lost our 24yr old son (our eldest of 2 children) in Sept in a sudden and very tragic accident. The 3 of us left are broken and shattered beyond comprehension. It’s a grief unlike any other we’ve experienced. (Loss of my dad and uncle recently and my husbands mother and uncle recently). The loss of a child and loss of a brother (for our daughter)whom she was very close with, it is so hard to navigate as a parent how to help my daughter who just turned 15 and started high school right after losing him. She is retreating within herself, is gloomy, disconnected; she is normally a very sweet, funny, encouraging and respectful young woman. I’m lost myself. Nothing seems “worth it” anymore. Like I just don’t care. But, I have to for her, my husband and myself. But it’s just so hard. How do I help her when I’m just as lost and broken as she is? It’s one thing to be a friend or family member who yes, is affected by such a devastating loss.. it’s another when it’s a death that differently but equally obliterates your heart and life. We don’t know how to help each other or ourselves. 😢
Hi, Jennifer. That all sounds incredibly difficult. What an impossibility your family is carrying. We recommend checking out the resources offered by The Dougy Center. They specialize in supporting grieving children, teens, and young adults: https://www.dougy.org/