When Matt first died, I lost my mind – but not in the ways you might think. Grief-related memory loss is a real thing.
I used to be a person who could keep everything straight without notes or a calendar. I never lost my car keys. I used to have a really great memory –– until grief and memory loss collided.
Suddenly, I was putting my keys in the freezer and forgetting my dog’s name. There were days I couldn’t remember what day it was or if I’d eaten breakfast. This was much more than forgetfulness. It was full-on brain fog.
I used to love reading books, but even that eluded me. Now I couldn’t read more than a few sentences at a time, and usually had to go back and reread those same lines many times. Grief and concentration are not a good match.
My mind simply stopped functioning. Has that happened for you?
Grief-Related Memory Loss Can Make You Feel Like You’ve Lost Your Mind
There’s no formula to follow when your life goes sideways. No definitive resource or master checklist that says, “these things are normal.” Unfortunately, many people lost in grief simply suffer alone in the weirdness of it all, wondering if they’ve lost their minds on top of everything else.
Grief, especially early grief, is not a normal time. It makes perfect sense that you’re disoriented: everything has changed.
Memory loss, confusion, an inability to concentrate or focus – these things are all normal inside grief. They do tend to be temporary, but they last a lot longer than you would think.
You Have’t Lost Your Mind. You’re Grieving.
Realistically, it may be a few years before your grief-induced memory loss abates and your mind’s capacity returns to a recognizable form. I know that may not be what you want to hear, but the thing to remember is, physiologically your body has experienced a trauma. All of those mental circuits that used to fire so clearly are trying their best to make sense of something that can’t ever make sense.
When your mind is working so hard, there’s very little brain power left over to track more than a paragraph in a book, or remember that your car keys go on the hook and not in the freezer. It’s hard to think in an orderly, concise fashion when you’re reeling from a loss.
While I can’t magically fix your mind, I can tell you this: you are not losing your mind. Your mind is doing the best it can to keep a bead on reality when the world has turned upside-down. Be patient with yourself. Make a lot of lists. Set reminders. Do whatever you need to do.
Remember that this is a normal response to a stressful situation, it’s not a flaw in you.
Writing Through Grief Brain
Having your experience validated is freeing, isn’t it? It’s why I speak about my own early grief so often – it’s important to hear these stories. When I talk with people, one of the things that brings the most relief is letting them know they’re normal.
One of the most powerful parts of the Writing Your Grief e-course is seeing how many people are experiencing the same things you are. Being able to say what’s true for you, and have other people say, “me too!” somehow makes grief easier to bear.
If you’d like to be part of a community like that, please join the next session of the Writing Your Grief course. There’s always room for you.
How about you? Have you felt like you’ve lost your mind? How has grief changed the way your mind works? Let us know in the comments. I love to hear from you.
This is so me. My memory used to be perfect
I don’t know what to do. 5 kids 15 yrs to 6 . Husband died fathers day last yr hour after my daughters 12th bday. My mum has terminal cancer now. I have no support apart from a caring neighbour. I can’t get out of bed to take my kids to school it’s been 9 months his bday is close to his death day and my daughters bday this year is on father’s day. The day after is his date of death it’s like we have to live his death twice over every year. I can’t cope anymore. Friends family are sick of my grief. My sister abuses me over my negative mind set. I have no one. I work as a teacher. It’s killing me. He and I married 18 yrs together for 24 yrs. Can’t shake his last day the family fights how I led him to a peaceful end . I feel left behind and ripped off. Sad. Meaningless. I’m 47. How do we carry on
Hi Jules I’m so sorry for your loss I couldn’t begin to know how you’re coping but I hope that you don’t give up! please try to reach out to Bereavement councilors or your local church there’s lots of groups that are out there to help I’m sure it’s just making that first step. I list my Son of 26 last year and shortly after my Dad died! He was ill with Alzheimer’s but it all seems like a numbness now. I don’t have a young family depending on me so I think it must be very hard for you but please know that people do care and you’re not alone
Jules,
This is something you never get over, you just get through it. I lost my husband 6 months ago to cancer. I started bereavement counseling at the hospice immediately and go to a support group. It helps but I still cry a lot, have a lot of anxiety and am in shock this happened. You have a young family. Have you been treated for depression? I had a lot to do for a long time and it kept me busy. Now that things have slown down I’m upset all over again. I just keep going to counseling and the support group. Yes. People think “I should be over it” by now. But I’ll just get through it. What they say does not matter. I’ll never get over losing my husband of 47 years. But I am trying to get through it and live the happiest and healthiest I can in honor of my husband. Of all my family and friends only one has been there for me…a dear friend of almost 50 years. She calls me twice a day without fail.
You will not get over it but you will get through it, honey. Do think about counseling and support groups.
I would like to remind you, Marian (and all) – the Statute of Limitations on Grief never runs out…
I lost my oldest son due to gun violence. I had to be put on depression medication and anxiety medication. I was working in medical records doing release of information. I wasn’t able to return to work because I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t remember anything. If I send out medical records to the wrong person I would loose my job anyways. It’s been seven months and I still can’t remember anything. My mind just wonder off. I was always very detailed and organized, now I can’t go anywhere alone. It’s so unfair.
This is so true. There is not time limit! Hang in There and pray daily.
I also lost my husband of 25 yrs to cancer 23 months ago. I am sadder than ever. I wish I could lay down and die but that would crush my children. I stay because they need me. I am now finding myself getting really angry with anyone including strangers who look at me cross eyed. I don’t know how to stop being so mad at everything and everyone. I also wonder if I should even care that I am. I need to know if others feel this way 2 yrs later.
i can agree on that lost my wife 14 years ago and it seems like yesterday
I just said you never get over it. Please don’t admonish me. I get enough of that.
Thank you,my husband of 48 yrs known since we were 12.He passed in 2016,8 days after his birthday,my son at 20 killed in a car crash,I have never gotten over that n it’s been 32 yrs!! I still grieve every day!! With my husband lost,I feel lost !! I have noone to tell my feeling to,if I try they just tell me how they feel,my 2 grown children I am talking about.,I know they miss there dad but my feeling dont matter.Its like I don’t know who I am any more,its like I don’t know what happened to my feeling! Sometimes I wonder what is happened n I talk to myself n answer myself ,I have lost it !!!
I lost my wife and my 2 youngest children year Dec 22 almost 16 years now. I met somebody else 1 yr later, had 2 kids and separated shortly after. I thought I was in control of my feelings and being strong, instead I was actually in a bad place. I miss my late wife dearly . Most memories of my wife and my children are gone or very faint. Attempting to look at pictures and old video is impossible, I just break down
She was beautiful inside and out, a great mother to our then four children and my very best friend . I still drift in and out of this fog it seems.
I lost my wife of 32 years she was 14 I was 18 when we met I’m In a very dark place right now of what to do I have extreme autism since I was a child now I have Lewy body disease I’ve always been successful at what I do always think ahead of the curve but for the first time in my life I went past the curve do I commit suicide no because I’m afraid of death so do I live in misery 24/7 or do I take my anger and misery another direction?
I lost my wonderful husband of 46 years six years ago, and I am just now starting to feel that there can still be some kind of happiness, but never the same.
I have had to relearn almost everything I knew because the trauma almost erased my memory. I now know that this is very common, but don’t expect others to understand, they just can’t.
I could write a book about what it has been like for me.
What helped me the most, does and still, is GRATITUDE. I thank God constantly for the glorious blessing of my husband’s eternal life and for having my husband in my life. I try constantly to focus on my many blessings, not my losses.
I’ve made many mistakes in how I’ve handled my finances (not like me), but I forgive myself and will make the most of it. I’ve always had good health, but I had a heart attack, three years ago, which my doctor said was caused by stress. I’m trying to continue to control the stress in my life (very difficult) and I go to the gym often.
I just want to hug and comfort every one on here, and to offer hope to each of you. It will never be the same, but you can survive and be happy. Be sure to take care of yourself, and focus on your blessings.
My daughter 37 years old was struck by a truck and died 4 days later. This was 8 years ago. I still have problems focusing, and remembering. I still cry and get confused.
LBD is extremely cruel & confusing & diagnosis only comes after death so so be careful of whoever says you have it. My husband & I struggled this disease for five year’s before he died. The drugs alone will cause dementia. Unlike alzheimer consciousness is not fully lost. It comes & goes w/hallucination & dementia. Get help. Look for support groups is all I can say.
I am putting things in the wrong places & am terrified about what might be happening to my brain. Bless you.
Please please please do not commit suicide! My partner of 12 years committed suicide when I stepped into our bedroom on August 29,2020. My mother passed the very day before! Two of the most important people in my life gone, such opposite endings. With my mom we knew she was passing, she was in renal failure, the whole family got to come by her last few days and say our goodbyes and just spend peaceful time with her before she crossed over. I felt God was with her and in my parents home. I was very much at peace when I returned to my home I shared with my partner and my 2 teenage children. My partner should have been comforting and consoling me instead he chose to shoot himself in the head as I stepped into our bedroom. I’m having a very hard time getting thru the grief. I feel like my partner robbed me of my ability to properly grieve for my mom so I stay in constant state of anger, guilt, sadness. I feel like I’m loosing my mind I can’t focus, concentrate, remember, sleep I’m always anxious and on edge I use to be optimistic and positive now I just see everything in a dark lens. I hate feeling like this
Marian unless a post was deleted, I don’t think anyone was admonishing you. Everyone here is being supportive. You and your feelings are safe here.
This is so me I have lost my mine I can’t remember anything an d it’s been nearly 5 years my husband was my everything it’s been hard I pray to God to help me and he has my faith keeps me going 🙏
I lost my Aunty 6 months ago, she really was a mother to me and still in a lot of shock about it. I’ve been feeling very disorientated, very up and down and generally unsure about life in general. Internally I am struggling really badly, quite up and down and not sure how name my feelings/thoughts. I wake up and I already feel dread.
I lost my precious daughter to cancer she was 41 when diagnosed . We went through hell with horrible surgery and chemo most times from 8 hrs a day and then a bag of chemicals for days . Resection of her liver infection not healing it went on and on she never complained and was a great person and daughter ate right exercised tiny gal so pretty inside and out my best buddy. And now so many people did and said awful things it’s been another hell . I’m so proud to be her mom I loved her with all my heart I was her caretaker along with her husband . I miss her so much it hurts every day , I believe my mind and my heart are shattered . I will never be the same and I have to live like this the rest of my days. I ask God Why and of course there is no answer for any of us . It will all be reviled when I see her again. God help all of you for I know it is so hard everyday without our loved ones.
I lost the love of my life just shy of two years ago, I have been through all types of counseling, group therapy and life coaching. I have two grown daughters (23 & 26). He was such a significant part of our lives that it is hard for us to grasp the dynamics of our new family structure…there is no structure..,I need them, they need me , but we are so broken we feel like we are not able to help each other. We are lost, confused and I feel like I am going crazy. I still have blank outs where I go into fits of anger and come out not remembering all of what happened. I am trying so hard to survive this but it is a beast!
I am so sorry for your loss. I recently experienced grief for the first time, and have been shocked how little control I’ve had over my emotions and ability to cope. It is scary and have realized it is very normal to feel the way you do. All I’ve wanted to do was to feel better… I’ve tried everything… but grief has me I don’t have it.
I am also sad to read about your support system. The same thing happened to me. People supported me at first…but then they didn’t. I have two friends that have supported me no matter what… and these are not the people I expected would support me. I cried and told my sister how much I needed her. I begged for her help. She tried for a few weeks… that’s it.
I wonder about my friends and family that can’t support me. I wonder if they have just never experienced the depth of grief I feel. If they had, surely they would understand and try to help.
I hope you can continue to reach out to people here, and anywhere/everywhere else. We need people to love us right now, listen, and help us believe it will be ok and that we will survive. Grief groups, therapists, online forums… all of those can help. I hope you keep reaching out to people for help. It is hard for me to ask for help but I am doing it a lot these days.
I have to believe we will get through this.
I had a surprising divorce and feels just like a loss of someone. I’m sorry for comparing to loss of life but so similar it has bee three years now and still having so much of the same reactions as all of you. Support groups and family can only go so fare, but to have a physical body to hold on too will be me a big deal to me.Prayers for you all and all I can do is ask GOD to help me through it all!!!!
I am a dad and I lost my son in a ATV accident I seem to be mad all the time. How do I control this?
I’m reading the grief recovery handbook and in it they compare divorce to a loss because the grief is very similar. If you haven’t read it already, I recommend it because it is for people who go through divorce as well as those grieving a loss of life. Best wishes to you.
You have to grieve the loss of a marriage, either way. Certainly, those of us who have lost our mate to death mourn the persons life, we mourn the life of the marriage as well. I’ve never been divorced but I see the emotional pain everywhere.
Praying for you to get through this and to find happiness in the future. Wish I could hug you!
I’m so sorry to hear about your divorce. I lost my mom at twenty-three and then fell in love with a man six months after her death. He would eventually break my heart. I experienced similar grief symptoms with his loss as I did with my mother’s death. Except, with the loss of someone still alive, there’s an added component-one that is oh so hard to handle. You know that your ex-love still exists, but you cannot have him/her back even though the person is still alive. With a death, you can’t have the person back because she/he is physically gone. It’s an odd feeling to stomach. So your feelings are completely valid. I know our situations are different but my heart feels for you. Sending prayers your way.
I too have this. 16 years of marriage and I feel lost. I don’t recognize myself. All I do is push forward as best as I can. Reading this has brought me to tears, I haven’t been able to cry in a long time. I had no idea that what I have been experiencing is normal. I feel like a terrible worker, friend, and mother. I try so hard but I just don’t have what it takes anymore. I cried for one week immediately following and then not again until now. 1&1/2 years later. I have been on autopilot for far to long. No patience and perpetually exhausted. My soul is exhausted. I just now can acknowledge how much I miss him. I have lost a lot of friends over the years but this has hit me so hard. I was with him since I was 14. Over half of my life was with him. He literally is me. I long to feel the comfort and peace and again.
Justin, being angry is part of the grieving process. And honestly I’m not sure you can control it. You’ve probably heard of the 5 stages of grief. (Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.) I have found that they are all very real for me. And that if I try to skip any of those stages, or try to pretend I’m not angry or not depressed, it only postpones it. I have to go through them all. I’ve also found It’s helpful to remember those 5 stages. Helps me to feel like I’m not losing my mind. It’s been a few years since you posted here, maybe you have moved through that stage already.
There is no correct amount of time to go through any of them. We go at our own pace. Hope you’re feeling better.
I’m so glad my mind had a thought to find out if others are like me, for the last three years I’ve been so sick but I’ll never stop believing I can’t it’s all I have left, go through what you need but you’ll never forget and the pain is here to stay, but in time you might be able to say there name without breaking down…
Hi this is melinda i to lost my husband june 11 2018.I know what it feels like when your world is torn apart.I lost my husband and animal rescue now home. I totally did not want to go on. He was the one who cared for me.Made sure we were safe. I have been dealing with some people.That i can honestly say i am ashamed off them. No one needs mistreated when you go threw this kind off pain.People do not understand. Unless their going throw it. I dont have children to this man.But i have a few animals .2 off which was with him when he died. Iam still trying to help them. They were always with my husband dogs. They would not eat they kept wanting to be with him downstairs .In the tv room etc. I hurt so bad .But when i looked at them.I knew i had to help them. Cant bring their dad back.I WISH I COULD. But the needed me so i am putting one step forward .They already lost one special person. They needed me .I could see they were really broken.Please try for your self and for your children.I know what pain is from all this. I look every where for him.Still dont believe this happen.But i cant change it.But please try melinda
I loss my Husband March 3, 2018 just one Month after celebrating our daughter’s 11th Birthday and in the process of teaching our oldest how to drive. I still can’t believe he is gone just like that. I have lock my self out of the house lock my key in the car several times and can’t remember the simplest things.
I lost my dad the end of August 2019. I am an elementary teacher and he passed the week before school started. I had to miss two weeks and felt so guilty for not being there for the students. When I went back I couldn’t think straight or remember simple things. I thought I was loosing my mind! I had never heard about this part of grief before. I lost car keys, school keys and important papers. As a teacher I could multi task but not anymore. It takes so much brain power to stay on track. I have gotten every virus that has come out this year and it seems like I’m constantly at the doctors office. I have migraines but had finally gotten them under control but no more. Constant migraine now! I had a wreck this week. No one was injured but I fell like such an idiot. Then tonight I just discovered I put my medicine in the pill box backwards so have been taking morning pills at night and vice versa! Will I ever think clearly again?
Dear Jules,
I’m sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. You need help for yourself and your children. You are clinically depressed and need professional help. My father died when I was 7 (I have 3 older brothers) and I watched my mother unable to care for me, neglect me until I finally moved out when I was 15. You cannot give into your grief and let the children raise themselves. You must be there for them as they lost their father. Use that reason to get out of bed and get to a doctor who can recommend medication to ease your pain, and a support group who can listen to you. I beg you to take care of yourself as I lost my mother the day my father died and my life was never the same. You can see your husband everyday in those children have. Let that drive you to get the help you need, your sister doesn’t understand you but grief support group will. I also think you should have your children talk to a counselor about their grief because if they don’t grieve they could end up self medicating when the grow up. Speaking from experience if my family had this help i would be in much better shape now losing my mom and brother on the same day 3 weeks ago. Neither one was sick. My children drive me as I remember my childhood and how I watched my mom turn into an angry neglectful mother. I Pray for god to give you courage to ease your pain.
Be strong my friend I lost my Aunt 2 years ago & I just couldn’t move on. It was the hardest the thing. I have children my Aunt was like my mother & my grandmother were foundation holders of the Family. I lost my Grt Grandmother 2000 with Aunt still here holding our family down. She was there for me day 1 I’m a single mother 4 kids. My aunt died @ 54 from stress in 2016 her own kids put her through. I never thought I’d bury the lady who raised me. It felt like a nightmare I still live. I gave up I worked that’s it no social life friends no family gatherings. Ppl are fighting about the funeral who paid more. I never said a word. My grandma hasn’t seen me since the funeral. All I got is my son. I don’t what I want to do but I want to be happy with my life. I went normal crazy for 2 years I forgot stuff I had anger issues. You have a right to be mad and your brain is working overtime from the experience. Nobody knows how it feels until it happens to them. I had a neighbor treat me so bad like I wasn’t next door rude loud nasty but I just went to work & stayed in my apartment. Now after 2 yes her dad died she is changing to different stuff. She watches me in my children & stalk me. She keeps her blinds open 24 hrs nobody visits. Only ppl that use her. She now knows how it feels. It’s really nothing I can do for her because after 2 1/2 yrs. I’m still trying to find myself. I have had days I lived by the hour ok. Someday are good someday are bad. Try to take a walk go to movies alone. Go out & scream if you have to. Total isolation is suicide fight I know it’s hard to get out the bed. I been there but I believe in God use Faith to live for and your Babygirl. Get away do something fun just for her maybe something you never did that makes you guys feel good have fun. If it was pain a person suffered the pain is gone. If it was accident those things can shock your body & mind. Everybody here give your self sometime be patience & love yourself. We all have a purpose to live & be here still. You are an amazing woman as a teacher. You are so SPECIAL to those kids who depending you everyday. You also have to be there as your daughter grows up to be a young woman. You have so much to look forward to Better times I promise you. I live nothing else for my son my other kids are with there Dad or grown but I know that at least my son here really needs me. I pray to God I come out of this totally & find myself. It took me just 2 years to start dressing up doing my makeup liking me again. I really didn’t like nothing but the kids they kept me going feel of life……..
My dear husband passed away November 13, 2018. As life calms down a bit, (after crazy whirlwind of details to take care of), I find myself scattered and forgetful! No ability to concentrate and focus! No one understands this, my neighbor and good friend is a nurse suggested I have a dimentia check up! THAT threw me into a real tizzy, and was extremely insensitive!! The best I can do, is try to remain calm, try to focus, get out of bed every day, pray I don’t do or lose something awful! It’s actually scary to be in this “ head space”! I have decided that this is a period of “ reorganizing”, like businesses do when they seem to be going bankrupt! All systems have to be reviewed and replanned, even the dog care, the car care, the yard and home care, and don’t forget the “ me care”! Friends and family who have not experienced grief cannot possibly understand, I know I did not! However, losing the ability to concentrate, focus and remember is terrifying!! I’m so glad I found this discussion today!!! I need some hope!
Hi I feel like in some ways my feelings don’t count
I have been separated for eight years now
And went through this like a death
I lost everything!
My home, my marriage, my status as a wife and worst of all the two children I raised from the time they were 4 and 5. They were my step children
Throughout the years I have kept in contact with my step son with text message or I would see him near where I work for a brief conversation
I was hopeful that after everything was finalized with this painful drawn out divorce
That I would be able to see him again freely and without the strain of the divorce insanity
But this past August 2019 this beautiful young man of 26 ( to be 27 two days later ) was killed in a car accident
The sad thing is when I separated there was nothing to grasp onto to get agreement for my hurt feeling. There was no infidelity, no alcoholism, no drugs , nothing that I could hold onto to justify my feelings, but ….feelings I had in droves!
And, now here I am again loosing my step son I helped raise and not really feeling I have a place or a right to feel this much pain and he was killed by falling asleep at the wheel after working an overnight shift no drugs or alcohol just an accident
Ironically, this has had his father and I , my ex husband talk and now, he wants to settle this divorce ( he never did before) I am a very forgiving person and believe strongly in god
And I know through all this I would have parishes if I did not let God hold me up
But I am human and I almost feel guilty , feeling anger at this senseless death of such a young person
At work we had a big ministry review
I work in senior care
And, I had to work extra hard just to stay focused to get everything properly done
And I could not understand how come I had not remembered to do certain things 3 months ago and
I had to spend so much extra time this month to get caught there has been Such a huge gap I could not remember ,
It was like I forgot I was grieving and I still am
And I agree, people really do not have any patience with us , my coping strategies and ability is shot! Or I have to work extra hard just to function
I too just realized today after 6 months that I count and my feelings around this whole situation are valid most people think I am extremely strong to go through what I have gone through and not crash ! But
I have felt so guilty like I am not part of the Family anymore so I am not allowed to feel these feelings of pain , sadness etc
I am not expecting brownie points but like many if you …. understanding would be nice
And yes certain people crawled out of the woodwork where you did not expect either way some supportive and others not getting it !
I know talking, sharing and honouring yourself and your loved ones memory has helped me as bd lots of journaling !
I am sorry for your loss and I feel your pain .?
I love your analogy of ” Reorganizing reviewing and replanning” . Once I get out of my brain fog I will do that !!!! I lost my husband and best friend
on May 14 2020. I am deep in my grief right now but I have set a goal for myself that I will take care of 1 task every day.
I know how you feel I lost my nephew 6months ago he was found on news years day he died 4 day before he was found can’t stop cry
Hi Jules
I am also very sorry for your loss. I am not good at giving advise but having experienced an unexpected loss I can recall what did and did not help me. I hope it helps. My friends and family members were not functioning at high enough levels to help so they caused a more severe grief reaction. I do not blame them because I know they were just ignorant. I try to remember that Jesus responded he forgave the people who tortured him because they did not understand what they were doing. Also it is impossible to expect people who knew you before the death to know how to relate to you now. Always keep in mind that you are hypersensitive to others and that friends and family members are not trained therapists so probably not a good idea to express your grief to them. Keep an open mind because the people who will provide you with the most comfort and wisdom will appear at the most unlikely places such as a bus stop. You will need a calm mind to work through this difficult time. Can you go on disability for a few years or even one year ? Always remember it is not how you react to the grief it is how well those around you react to your grieving. You can not find your own way out of grief. You need a soft place to land. Ask the universe to send you someone emotionally mature enough to provide comfort and guidance through this difficult time. Being in grief is actually easy it is coming out of it that is hard. Life will appear brighter and happier once you learn how to manage your grief. Please believe this because you are too young to give up and stay rolled up in the bottom of the grief hole you are in right now. Someone will find you and pull you out.
For someone who doesn’t think they give good advice? I can only say that after losing my son 5 months ago aged 38.. I found great comfort and wisdom in your words.. Thank you x
<3
I can relate totally to you. I am sorry. I lost my daughter way too early. She left behind 2 boys and her sister and me. Losing her turned my world upside down and my life did a 360 degree turn. I couldn’t function so I winged it. I had three children to take care of whose hearts were ripped out and the boys lost everything in a split second. I eventually did. I also take care of my 94 year old Aunt at the time was 99. I had no help for me. I had been laid off from my job a month before she died which was a blessing in disguise’. Otherwise I would not have had those days with my oldest daughter who passed. Real quality time. It’s hard. To even think of trying to work with all I had on my plate was unthinkable especially to try and shuffle all the tragedy that occurred with 4 of us. The family I thought would help me did nothing and still don’t. My own sister would reply if I ask for help “ that’s your problem not mine”. I’d break with pain and anger. Controlled anger but self pity. The one or two who stood by me and helped me if they could was the ones I would have never leaned on but they allowed it and still do. I’m not one to ask for help from anyone. I look at it as my responsibilities not theirs even if I was inside a mess. I cried a lot. Getting out of bed was the hardest each morning but I had no choice. It was another blessing to have the responsibly otherwise I would have curled up and died. They gave me purpose and I thank God though it was hard. I leaned on God. My life was no longer mine… it was my Childrens I My life surrounded my youngest daughter and my 2 grandsons and my Aunt who had no understanding what was happening with my world as she knew it. God is my refuge. Without Him I would never have come to this place of peace. It took me 4 years and my health began to deteriorate or a wake up call telling me how I am taking care of everything and everybody but me physically. Mentally and emotionally was scheduled for me. I made time each morning to give myself time to grieve and nighttime to grieve alone. I still grieve my loss of my beautiful daughter. My life is not what it was but I haven’t given up yet. You are in my prayers and know that you are never alone even though we feel we are. Talking with my counselor helped me a lot to grieve and vent about my issues at home no matter how petty. We or You are important and taking baby steps one day one hour at a time is all we can do. As long as we move step by step we’re getting somewhere and just breathe and pray. God loves you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your loss. It may not be much, but your saddness and lack of will to do anything gives me comfort in a weird way. Because I have lost my fiance 2yrs ago to cirrhosis. Alcohol related. Passed at 27. Everyone says ur young u have so much time to move on. But that…. Just kills me. It just reminds me that I have all this time to struggle alone. Smh. We have a 4 yr old, was 2at the time of his father’s passing. And having kids w/out the other half is unbearable. It’s not meant for one person. Just know YOU HAVE SUPPORT HERE. K I really appreciate u sharing ur heartache. So fast forward up to now, I finally got the courage to play with the IDEA of dating. And this guy just CARED about me and my son and even his passed daddy. I was SHOCKED to say the least. Every time I pushed him away, he pushed harder to get me out of that funk. I was in shock that someone CARED about me. My own family watches me go thru terrible times from the sidelines. NVR offering any sort of comfort or care. So to have this new guy caring so much, I just didn’t understand. But I trusted him and we became an item. I was so happy for one second. He really wanted to help me and my son and he pulled me from the darkness I was in. But….. 4days ago…. I dropped him off at about 11:45 PM and he was shot, in the head around 1:20am. …. Smh fuck. My heart is so sensitive. I care for people I really do. But this , idk howych more I can take. Regardless of the detrimental things happening in my life , I have to b strong and keep going for my son? HA I know that’s what ur supposed to do. But the reality is ,not to be selfish, but what about me? What about my feelings and my mental state? No one cares? Well everyone that has passed cares but that’s it. Off track, but I really appreciate u opening up and telling ur story. Don’t be discouraged. I’m sure u have a beautiful family. Do something for YOU. Nuthing but love and blessings and comfort to the broken hearted #NesterVern
So sorry to hear of your loss I know you posted this a while ago so I hope you are feeling much improved by now and have support.
I lost my husband of 21 years nearly 9 years ago. I had just turned 40 and our 8 children were aged 2 -18, three of them were under 5. I had no family to support me or the children and everyday I felt like staying in bed under that duvet, I felt mentally and physically exhausted, couldn’t process information properly and everything felt surreal. I had lost my father at 14 and wasn’t encouraged to grieve and nobody talked about it either which resulted in me becoming a teenage alcoholic which thank God I overcame in my early 20’s but knowing the long term damage grief or not grieving can do to a person, I felt as a mother I should be the one to support my children and to rebuild our lives. Together it was hard but we are all still alive and kicking, some of us are thriving and some are still surviving but I didn’t and I haven’t given up. Get up and learn about grief and help yourself and your children to begin to heal.
I feel your pain I just lost my husband. He was 28 and iam 26. He left me with 6 kids. I gave birth to our last child 3 weeks after he died. It’s been almost 2 months since he’s passed but I feel like iam losing my mind. I talked to a medium and that helped out a little. I hope you feel better even though I know it’s Easyer said then done. ❤️
My name is Tamie an I lost my live in boyfriend Paul of 11 years on September 8th 2016 due to complications of a motorcycle accident. I am still greiving my loss almost 3 years later. I am sorry that we all are greiving. I have lost my identity, I know I am severely depressed although I do take medication for it. I live everyday wondering an waiting for my own death to occur. I know this isnt right Its just that I dont feel like I have a purpose anymore even though I have 4 grown daughters whom i love with all my heart. Paul and I did everything together he was not only my love but my best friend. He was my comforter my protector my everything. I just miss our life together. I hope one day I will find myself again an try my best to go on an I hope all of you can too. May God comfort us all an mend our broken hearts.
My dear mum passed away on the 4th of May, 2019. It´ll be three weeks tomorrow. I have never been so heartbroken in my 48 years of life. It´s unbelievable. The level of pain has been ridiculous, however, people who have gone through this tell me it does get better with time. My sister in law, who lost her dad 20 years ago put it quite simply: we are designed to withstand this crushing blow. Everything has changed. It´s like being thrown into an alternate universe where nothing makes sense. And yet, in her passing, my mother (I´m crying as I type) left me a wonderful teaching: there´s no way I´ll ever commit suicide. As I rode the cab to the bus terminal (my parents, or rather, my dad, lives in a different town), I came to the conclusion that if I´m feeling like this over my mum´s death, then there´s no way I´m putting my loved ones through this insane situation. Which of course would be a lot worse with suicide. I know, make no sense.
My wife of 7 years did hang her self, and I found her. I am 41 years old. Left me and our 6 years old son. It had been 3 months, and yes, I have lost my mind, and keep losing it every day. Until this moment I do not know how to forgive her, even though it won’t matter for her who passed to the Unknown. The shocks I feel when I nap, the staring and stopping in the middle of my walks when I do remember this and that. I have no shame in acting in accord to the insane mental states I go through every hour. Life and Death are more of a mystery to me today, and so the illusions of self, and it’s futile attempt to give a value to the Unknown, or rationalizing what cannor be understood. Some soul maturity, yet on the expense of comfort and sanity.
Fuck. I’m so sorry. Honestly you sound like an amazing man. I understand your anger. My 5 yr old son cries for his daddy everyday, EVERYDAY. At some random point. His daddy passed from cirrhosis, alcohol related at 27yrs old our son was only 3. He remembers everything we were with him. I couldn’t believe that was gna b the outcome, but it was. My everything. But I am so proud of you for caring on. It’s all you can do. Take it one day at a time. You are important. Your feelings are valid. Your story is vital. Stay strong.
I hope you and your children receive comfort during your time of grief. May God make clear to you the purpose for the path your life was meant to take. It may not have been takin otherwise. But God only knows and all I can do is give ur problems onto Him. Pray about questions you need answered but b clear. God delivers.
Nothing but the sincerest sympathy,
Forever widowed lost mommy
Esteban,
I can feel your pain, it has been well over 3 years for me with mine. And the pain and hurt and memories are just as tough. In fact, they at times seem to get more intense. When people tell me, you will get over it and time heals..they just do not get it. Sometimes in this life we have a connection with our parents, ( sons with moms, daughters with fathers) that is deep, as it should . Their DNA is running thru us. Also come from a very strong old Spanish family, so family and our customs are everything. Thank you for posting and I totally get this. Blessings from California
Just want you to know you are not alone!! Hear you, see you and will pray for you to know peace in your spirit once again!!!
I am a 67 y/o retired Pediatric RN and I lost not one but Two children, My son 26,in May 2005 and my daughter, clone,and best friend in Feb 2011.She was 28. Michael will be gone 15 years TODAY and Kathryn 9 years ago.I have and continue to , this many years later, to cry and have meltdowns where I cry so hard the sound is similar to a large animal howling in pain. I have no control over it. I want to take somebodies head and bash it in. Make no mistake: Grief is as physical as it is emotional. It’s absolutely exhausting.
And there is a whole lot of rage and anger in there with it. Because we got screwed. Royally. I will never see my beautiful daughter walk down the aisle, her brother on her arm..I’ll never hold a grandchild. I have no one to tell MY crazy childhood to. My memories….my life.
When I found my daughter dead in her bed and having lost my son 6 years earlier, I know I yelled up to “god” but I actually just remembered today exactly what I screamed ” TWO????? f——–G TWO????? YOU’RE TAKING f——g TWO FROM ME…YOU @#&%$” over and over and over. This is not a loss .This is a DISASTER. A life changing event if there ever was It’s every Mother’s nightmare come true and then some. There is no getting over it, no getting past it, no closure. I am serving a life sentence w/o parole. I really don’t know what keeps me alive. And as I read here a few pages back, friends and family are great in the beginning, the wake, funeral, the gathering afterwards..but then everyone goes back to their normal lives. I have 6 sisters and 3 brothers: all younger than me, except for my older brother. And most, not all, act like nothing ever happened….b/c it didn’t happen to them!!Other mothers, like my sisters avoid you….. I guess they don’t know what to say…how about a simple ” How are you doing”??? We’re not contagious you know. Just Very Unlucky
The isolation doesn’t exactly help either. Just know you are not alone .Grief is Grief…regardless of who or what you lost.
I will leave you with this, having nothing to do with any religious beliefs, my children are not gone to me forever. They send me all sorts of messages, like turning their angel figures on my dresser backwards..that’s a favorite. If you look for them you’ll find them….like a young man who I saw walking into a 7-11 by my house…from the back, he looked exactly like my son, same kind of gym pants and sweatshirt..it took my breathe away….then when I got back in the car, the radio starting playing “Angel” by Sarah Mclaughlin .
Coincidence????Who Knows. It put a smile on my face, though.
I talk to them both every day. I keep them alive laughing to myself at the crazy things they did when they were here…they were inseparable. My daughter just 20 months younger than her brother, was never the same after she lost him.A big part of her was missing forever and she knew it would never come back. I had to hold myself together tight to be there for her and it was so hard…mothers are supposed to fix the boo-boos and make it all better aren’t we? Watching her suffer and being helpless to take her pain away was the worst. Drugs were not involved by the way, they were both killed by drunken drivers. They’re both dead too…thank God… I Might have had to murder them myself….Angry? who me?
But My babies are together at last. And they’re safe. I don’t have to worry anymore about them. No one can ever hurt them again. I try to find some comfort in that. Godspeed to all of you.
All of this is relatable. The rage, the Doppelgängers. The hoping for a sign in coincidences.
Hi
I know it’s hard to cope, when I feel part of me is missing I feel paralyzed and so much bitterness and confusion.
Helpless like a abandoned little girl.
I still feel that way sometimes.
It passes, it comes and goes.
It always passes.
That missing feeling tricks my mind into believing I needed who has left me alone and without their presence, support and love here with me I am incapable of basically functioning at all.
I found it very hard to let go and take responsibility for me.
Some people are courageous and do idiotic things
Some people hardly do anything because they are afraid.
And some are fearless and do what needs to be done.
I was afraid after severe emotional pain.
I didn’t want it again if I could help it.
I blamed, I felt misunderstood.
I felt ripped off , envious and angry.
My kids were young back then, if I could turn back the clock I definitely would do it.
I would change how I didnt cope and how I didnt do right by my kids and do everything I could to make theirs and my life fulfilled with opportunity and try for myself and the kids as hard as it was and how much we missed who it is we lost to get on the horse again and try to move forward.
Letting go doesnt mean we dont care.
It means we must accept they have gone and moved on to another place.
We can still is them , and talk about them and always remember them.
We now need to do what needs to be done.
Love ourself and keep moving forward and one day you will be ok
Your gonna be ok.
I would be fearless and seek help if I needed to.
Put one foot in front of the other , take the kids to school, set firm boundaries, have a plan for yourself and your beautiful family.
Together you will learn to accept dad and partner isnt there physically now.
Of course you will miss him you loved him he was your mate your childrens Dad.
So it’s going to be painful that he has gone.
Rest if you must but do not quit.
Thinking of you
God bless you and your dear family
XO
When my son committed suicide I hung on for 9 months and then I had a total collapse. I couldn’t understand words. I could hear but I couldn’t process. It was called delirium. I said that that sounds like something they told women in the 19th century who had a bad period. The best thing that happened was my daughter came and took care of me and my husband. And I went to Stanford Hospital Neurology. It’s amazing to talk to someone who knows what you’re saying and how and why. My grief was a form of PTSD. A horrible shock and the aftermath. Now I have his spirit with me constantly. My husband and I feel like 3 of us live in this house. My son is welcome anytime he makes his spirit known to me. Losing a child is unnatural and out of order. There is nothing worse, I feel.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your very strong. You gta take things one day at a time sweetie. I won’t lie , it didn’t get easier for me, but time helps you cope. Just try to stay distracted. Kids, in this time, r what we should latch onto and give our minds to. They r definitely distracting. 😉 there’s no easy way, and I don’t know how anyone gets thru it honestly, but we do. Ur kids r watching learning how to react to stressful situations like this for themselves from how you react. Try keeping that in mind. I had to become, somewhat, emotionally unattached. To any and everything for a while. Easier for me to not think deep anymore and I’ve always been a deep thinker. So I feel as if I’m not as smart all of a sudden. It effects everything honestly. But I am proud of you for keeping it truckin as they say. And I’m so sorry your family is unsupportive. Mine as well. And at this time even three yrs later for myself, I still need their support. But they could care less. None of my family showed up to my fiance’s funeral. Our 3yr old and I went alone with his family of course. So I had to get over it. But that was a low blow smh. And they never really talked with me about it ever really. It’s sad but life goes on. And you realize, the only that has your back besides YOURSELF is God. I’m not a bible thumper or anything I do believe in God but honestly, all I could do at one point was pray to God. And i feel like it brought comfort and a lil ease. Give your problems onto Him. There’s a reason your going down this dark road. Others that need your help through your experience on the way, ya know. I’m truly sorry for your loss ( tears literally coming down my face). Your an amazing woman, mother, wife,daughter. And your worth it! Don’t ever forget that
Sincerely,
A mommy who can’t let go..
#May blessings and comfort flood you and your family
I understand your grief entirely. Those who have not lost a close loved one have no idea how it feels, what I have done is do what’s best for me now if course my situation is different my children are grown. But it’s my close friends who dont get it. It’s like ok you need to move on pull your straps and get on with your life. I’m sorry for you, I lost my wife of 20 years to me I tell people she died, well not physically but our marriage, she needed to find herself she finally did after the 4th husband, now Im alone and dealing with the griefs. So, if going to bed helps you then keep doing that till you can adjust. Jim
Hey. I hope you are better today than when you posted this- I can relate. May 1,2019 I moved my mom From her independent life in Boston to an apartment across the street in rinkey dink Virginia. I did this because I felt she could grow older and be around her kids. I had no idea how far her dementia had progressed. The move resulted in a hard core very stressful task of caring for her And learning how she should never have moved into an apartment alone- I didn’t know. I worked so so so hard every day with so little help from our healthcare system. I was angry tired and frustrated until around December. I felt like we were getting a routine together and resources were poppinm up. Then one night she had a sharp pain in her stomach – died three days later On January 25,2020. As the youngest of six surviving kids I had to do everything. Funeral-moving out of the apartment that was in my name. Getting rid of her stuff – exhausting and sad. I grieved openly and it was the 2nd week of March that I recall feeling like I could feel okay. On March 18- I received a call from my sister in law – my brother who was one year older and whom was my cherished soul mate- died of an overdose. I can’t describe this.
I feel your pain. I am so sorry for your loss. I’ll be praying for you.❤️🙏❤️🙏
I know how you feel I lost my son suddenly on Jan. 6th, 2018 m my first born he was 34. I have daughter whims 35. They were extremely close!!! It’s the hardest thing I have ever had till handle. My second husband was my sons biology teacher when my son attended Midfle school that’s how we met. We have been married for 22 t,years not. It seems like although he hurt as well its not affecting him as much because he is his set- father. His daughter lives with us she is 30 college grad and not working right now, the two of them seem happy as a lark and business as usual while I’m still hurting and grieving. Grief is like walking on the beach feeling the waves hitting your feet soft just like get.rieve touches of every day, but one day a huge wave hits us so hard that it knocks our feet from under us and we fall down and sand is all in our mouth, hair and that huge wave as threw us into a serious grieving period. It can hit you like a ton of bricks no matter how long or short it has been . Nor does it matter how your k
Loved one has passed. The bottom line is our loved one is no longer physically here. My contact e-mail is [email protected] nanradio.com. It’s my personal e-mail. Feel free to contact me. God bless
I know how you feel I lost my son suddenly on Jan. 6th, 2018 m my first born he was 34. I have daughter whims 35. They were extremely close!!! It’s the hardest thing I have ever had till handle. My second husband was my sons biology teacher when my son attended Midfle school that’s how we met. We have been married for 22 t,years not. It seems like although he hurt as well its not affecting him as much because he is his set- father. His daughter lives with us she is 30 college grad and not working right now, the two of them seem happy as a lark and business as usual while I’m still hurting and grieving. Grief is like walking on the beach feeling the waves hitting your feet soft just like get.rieve touches of every day, but one day a huge wave hits us so hard that it knocks our feet from under us and we fall down and sand is all in our mouth, hair and that huge wave as threw us into a serious grieving period. It can hit you like a ton of bricks no matter how long or short it has been . Nor does it matter how your k
Loved one has passed. The bottom line is our loved one is no longer physically here. My contact e-mail is [email protected] nanradio.com. It’s my personal e-mail. Feel free to contact me. God bless
How are you doing now? I just recently became a widow April of last year. I feel lost!
Oh man I feel your pain. I too was left with small kids. My youngest is now in highschool. No one knows what we go through. Think of yourself as a hero for everything you get through. The idea that you would be raising kids alone probably never crossed your mind. My entire life is focused on them. I am not exactly happy but I know when I die that I gave them every chance I could to give them a life that they can be happy in. Peace. I will pray for you.
I found this letter on the internet and thought I’d share, as up until I read this I had no idea how to stop and face my dearest man had gone either….. My brain was doing anything to get away from the pain, started doing things I’d never do, becoming a danger to myself, relief from self harm is not a healthy way of living or remembering my gorgeous Al, even destroying memories as fake trying to turn myself against him……. Truly torturous, torturing myself…. So I share this letter below, as I’m sure if it helped me, it may help someone ready to hear it too 💔❤️
I was married for over 40 years and for those 40 years, he was someone I loved and liked….we had a relationship of sharing, of support, of friendship…he was my best friend and he died. We had no children and I think because of that we devoted more time to each other. I enjoyed him and he enjoyed me….I know that sounds selfish and egotistical….but we truly loved each other and being with each other. I cared for him during the last 3 years of his battle with cancer, but he died in my arms just 2 months ago. He wanted to die because he was suffering and yet told others he didn’t want to leave me alone. I am alone now and each day seems to be getting worse because each day brings the “real”? reality that he is not coming back to me. It comes to me like a punch in the stomach and I feel nothing but complete hopelessness and black despair…nothing helps. I try to do things, but it’s all superficial…like painting a house over old peeling paint… it’s all temporary…I’ve lost part of my soul and I can’t imagine wanting to live without him….people say that time heals…but I can’t imagine wanting to live without him…I wish I would die in my sleep…I have tried to search ways to end my life, but I’m afraid I’ll just botch it and end up alive but disabled or dysfunctional….I have never, though, felt such complete despair….there’s just nowhere to go and he’s not coming back to me….I just want to scream.
💔❤️
Dear Susan,
Reading your message, that is exactly how I feel. Why am I alone now and my husband is never coming back. We didn’t have children together either and spent all of our time together. We enjoyed so very many mornings in the last few years over coffee in the sunshine, reminiscing about our trips, good fortune, great times and good life. A great deal of time reminiscing was during Covid, then right after that, 18 months of falls, concussions, doctors, hospitals, cane, walker, finally I rented him a scooter. Never even told myself this is going to the end. When it did end, and I was with him, I couldn’t believe it.
Why didn’t they let me know it was near the end. Now, I mourn every day, cherish the pictures I have on my bedside, bathroom, kitchen. I cannot look back (yet) on older pictures because ,…sadness. The difference is that now I am a widow and not married. My life has changed. I still cherish him and every moment I spent with him. Never to be forgotten those moments.
I feel so many of the same things you mentioned
I also feel so alone , I lost my 15 year old boy in June … my family is also tired of my grief and my sister is verbally abusive and far from supportive . Im sorry for your loss , your not alone .
Sorry for your loss & what your having to cope with. Mine is the loss of my daughter. How your managing a job & a family. I can just about look after myself. Sending love & prayers 💔💔💔
I’d like to take the people who have pronounced me crazy since death of my husband and set them on fire.
No, you really are fine. You never get over it. You just get through it. My husband of 47 years died of cancer 6 months ago. The morning after I ran screaming through the house calling his name. I go to bereavement counseling and support groups. They help but I still feel like screaming.
Forgiveness is called for. None of us is perfect and most of us make a lot of mistakes when friends are experiencing something outside of our own experiences. God is faithful; He will help you. I have also been surprised at the response of some of my friends; or rather, non-response. And I have to forgive them, b/c they don’t realize what they are doing/not doing to bring comfort and grace and understanding. I was probably like that too, until I lost my husband of 48 years a few months ago. I sent them an email today encouraging them to read this article. Now I understand and hope and pray I will understand next time someone close to me loses a spouse or family member or just has something awful happen.
I understand why you’d feel like that. I get it
I lost my son to suicide March 2018 and still have memory loss and bad confusion. I was afraid that I was getting Dementia because I am 72 years old. The grief still comes in big waves but not as often, I feel that I may be doing better but did not realize how hard this would be. Hope I am normal.
Thank you for all the comments and this article. My Mom died last week and I have been tremendously forgetful, I lost my glasses, I can’t seem to concentrate. I was worried that I was heading towards Alzheimers…
I agree there are so many hollow comments people say when there is a loss of a love one. ‘’ Prayers and thoughts’’ is another one. Just be honest and tell the grieving person that ‘’I don’t know wha to say.’’
I lost my fiancé 5 years ago when I was 28 and today I still suffer from memory loss. I honestly can barely remember what he looked or sounded like. It’s sad because there are no memories but also better that now I can move forward without pain.
I would like us to retire the phrase “ sorry for your loss” it’s time to come up with something less hollow and worn.
What would you like them to say? What would be helpful to you? At least they are saying that they care and that is about all they can do. Really, what can we do or say to be helpful because we do care.
It’s a heartless word that should never be spoken if I hear it one more time I will snap
I lost my son age 21 he went off on a bus to maine to the job core he was there 11 days then a officer came to my door that’s where my life shattered. I felt my soul leave my heart exploded I could handle it. I was sent to the hospital knocked out till the next day. I drove to maine looking for answered. They didn’t give me any. He was found either kneeling or praying. Don’t know cause I got two different. Answers. Cops would let me see him he was never taken to the hospital or tried to revive him Finding were accidental overdose my son never did drugs he did smoke weed
There was also a puncture behind his ear so that meant someone shot him up and it killed him
This is almost 4 years this July. My sons birthday was feb 1 he was born on the anniversary of my mom my best friend. Death. My gift from god was taken away. He got me through losing her only for me to be hurt and ripped apart again. Everyone says sorry for your loss. If feels like empty words with no feeling do any of those people know what we feel. He was my. Boy my son who I was waiting to come back home. I stoped working. I’m always crying. There no happiness. We bought a new house. I’m 55 years old. If my son was here I’d be the happiest mom alive. I have no joy in my nothing feels real my other kids are doing ok. My family is doing ok. It seems like I’m the only one who died inside. When I try to talk about my Ramon they all change the subject. I tried going for therapy. The guy told me we’re not going to focus on who or what you lost. I walked out angry. I feel like I’m a shell not really living. I wake I clean cook take care of my grand kids from my daughter. They do keep me going. But there’s no joy. I have nothing when I drive I forget where I’m going. I sometimes don’t know how I got from one place to another. I still hurt so bad I ask god to please give him back to me. To make it just a bad nightmare and I’d wake and he would be here. I need my son. To live to live a happy life. He was the only one to hang with me. To help me to be always here with me
Denise,
Your feelings seem to be identical to mine. I lost my son who was only 26 June 30, 2020. I will not get over this, it will not get easier. He was my best friend, my sole purpose.
I am so sorry that you’re hurting… I could feel your pain… I will be praying for you🙏❤️🙏❤️
I totally understand I loss my son on Jan. 6th 2018 all of a sudden. He was upbeat, a very giving person, funny and a great chef!!! I feel angry, empty, hurt and every morning I have to wake yo hoping it is just a horrible dream. But NO it’s real. We unfortunately belong to a club that no lone never wants to be long too. People don’t know what to say to us to make us feel better. Feel free to e- mail me at. [email protected] yahoo.com
I totally understand I loss my son on Jan. 6th 2018 all of a sudden. He was upbeat, a very giving person, funny and a great chef!!! I feel angry, empty, hurt and every morning I have to wake yo hoping it is just a horrible dream. But NO it’s real. We unfortunately belong to a club that no lone never wants to be long too. People don’t know what to say to us to make us feel better. Feel free to e- mail me at. [email protected] yahoo.com
I don’t think anything can be said. It would be nice if people would just lend their ear, squeeze my hand, or hold me. My husband’s death will be 1 year next week and I am putting pizza in w/plastic containers, fresh spinach in freezer, frozen food in cabinets. I am so glad to find this site & read your shares. I broke my back twice and was in ER 3 times from loss of consciousness or seizure. Thought I was loosing my mind. I’ve had very controlled epilepsy since I was a child & these issues are all new for me. I am alone and I am terrified. It’s hard.
I agree. I know people don’t know what to say, especially if they haven’t been through this. The thing is, they don’t really have to say anything about “our loss”. Just calling to say hi now and then can help keep us anchored. Having someone who is not falling apart standing beside us so we don’t go too far out there and lose our way back would be helpful. But personally, what I really wish is that people wouldn’t bring God into it. I believe it is a cop out when it comes to offering support. And it’s very inconsiderate. You have no idea what another person’s beliefs are. Those words are not comforting to everyone. They definitely aren’t to me. I don’t want people telling me to pray to God or lean on God or anything like that. And I don’t want people praying to their God for me. It only makes me feel uncomfortable and a bit frightened. Please don’t pray to your God for me. Pray for yourself all you want but please leave me out of it.
Julie, i so agree with the inconsiderate God so called words of comfort.
Its offensive+why do people assume im religious? Im atheist. My teen was killed by monster+found after 5 weeks soI didnt even get opportunity say goodbye.
Yet people talk about god+forgiveness,! Even though its been 14 years+I seem
ok to people,IM NOT. Some people look at me as though im contagious!
Why not approach me+say,”I really feel for you,I admire you so much
as what you must go through is daily torment. ” Its got to the point where
I only want to mix with bereaved parents as we are in a different world
to the non bereaved. Take care of yourselves.
My Sister died in a tragic car wreck in late Nov 2018. We were very very close, as our parents have gone on to their final resting place.
I can think I forget where to turn. I lost my leather coat. My husband insisted on having his school buddy and wife here for 2 weeks and My dental Doc. Is preparing my jaw for teeth implants. I am exasperated and tired. People can be so un- kind. The things the say you wouldn’t talk to your puppy that way. I’m really at my ropes end. I have read a self
Book. All I want to do is stay in bed away from people
Me too! I’m literally not the same person
Hi I’m Heather, I lost my mom who was my best friend when I was 21. Shortly after I lost my maternal grandparents, then paternal grandparents, then 2 aunts, a cousin, suffered a miscarriage, had a few friends lose their lives to drug addiction, then this year my uncle died in a horrible house fire and exactly one month later my niece who was like a daughter to me passed away suddenly and totally unexpectedly! My point is I’ve experienced so much loss, but this one. Losing my niece has hit me the hardest! I cry all the time, feel sick to my stomach, I’m worried for everyone I love and I’m scared to leave my house! Her death was drug related but it just showed me how short life is and can be over in the blink of an eye! She left behind a 9 month old baby and my heart breaks for him. Planning his first bday party without her seems so unfair. My head isn’t right anymore
My best friend of 8 yrs hung himself in Nov 2018 then my 24 yr old daughter mad a mistake and passed may 11th I feel like I’m going insane I’m happy kinda 1min then mad for no reason really I’ve blacked out I was so mad and I have no idea why I feel as if the family would be happier without me around cause I just exsist it’s not their fault at all
Thanks
I lost my husband of 47 suddenly 6 months ago i had to go to work all day because my boss was on holiday…he was supposed to pick me up at lunch time but didn’t come when I got home 12.30 my son was trying to revive him…I called him to call and see where his dad was…the ambulance was there but it was too late…I now feel doo guilty that i wasnt there in time…I can’t go out because I panic and need to get back…I Dont eat or sleep and wish I could go to sleep and not wake up…I just want to be with him……
I lost my grandma on jan 28.. i was in class and my mom texted me saying we needed to go somewhere. It was very vague so i asked what it was and she said she was in the hospital. I played it off and said she was fine but she was in a coma, had blood clots and was breathing blood from her lungs. She died later that night after a roughly 4 hour visit. I haven’t gone to school in 3 almost 4 days and i don’t plan on going, but on that same note i wanna go because i’ll have company. Choosing to stay and let my mind wander is one way to cope but also won’t let me handle it and learn to move on. On the other hand, going to school and learning that life does go on and that death is natural could help me cope but also won’t let me be comfortable and feel at ease. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been staying up all night the past few days, even right now as i make this it’s 5:22 AM right at the time i normally get up and get ready for school. I’m so confused.
Earlier today I was outside my parents house, playing in the snow (keep in mind I’m 16) when I can hear arguing coming from inside the house. I was curious to know what’s going on. I walk into the front door, to see that my eldest sister (26) is standing and arguing with my mom, and my dad who was in the middle of them both was just making sure they wouldnt get into any form of physical altercation. When I walked in I was confused to why they were fighting. (Note: My sister lives in our house along with her 6 year old daughter, and keep in mind she is a single mother.) Walking in I hear my sister saying things like, “I treat my daughter the way I want, it’s none of your buisness, ect.” Long story short my sister was basically I guess trying to belittle my mom insulting her saying shes not a true Catholic because she judges people too much. Also saying things about the way my mom takes care of her kids makes her a horrible mother. My sister even had the audacity to bring up my moms dad (who she lost in her life when she was 12) by saying a dad’s life is more important than money, but you wouldnt know that would you? They were just basically going back and forth using strong vocabulary. During all of this arguing, I was just filled with anger towards my sister of how she spoke to my mother. The only things stopping me from possibly landing a strong right hand to my sisters nose was the kitchen table and my dad. And then when they both just stopped arguing, I went to my parents room and just sat on their bed, furious of what just happened. Minutes later my mom comes in, and she starts crying tears of stress, sadness, and anger. I walked towards her to comfort her, and hugged her. While crying she asks me “Am I really a bad mother?” then I answer her saying of course not. She them again asks me, “Why does your sister hate me so much?” That question hurt me so much, I didnt even think of an answer. Later that day, I walked to the kitchen to grab some water, and I see my mom through her bedroom door, she calls my name “Leo”, I then walk into her room she asks me “What happened?” I ask, “What do you mean?”. She asks me “What happened, why am I crying?” I was confused to what she was asking. “Leo I forgot why I’m crying, what happened?” I then answered her puzzled “Yall were fighting.”. She asks me “What were we fighting about?” I said “I dont know, I just walked in and yall were arguing.” Someone please answer my question, to why my mom forgot what happened and does it have anything to do with grief? I’m very concerned, and during writing all of this, I cried because of thinking of everything that just happened. Please someone answer, it will be much appreciated. Thank you.
HI Leo. Thanks for you comment. It sounds really difficult. We don’t provide advice or emergency services via the blog. I’d encourage you to call your family doctor if you have one, or check with a trusted teacher or school counselor, in order to share your concerns. Reach out or help to folks around you so you don’t have to figure this out alone. Good luck and much love.
This is me too and then some
This article has helped me understand why my body has changed from head to toes. Since I lost my wonderful husband in July, 10th, 2020 my memory and spirit feel crashed, broken in pieces, very few things get me motivated, very sensitive and zero tolerance to drama, so difficult to repair my body. Every single day I wake up feeling a war within me as if aimlessly & strive would be competing for the possession of my body.
I found this site while trying to convince myself I wasn’t going mad.
In July of this year my wife’s mum who had been ill for 3 weeks with an obscure cancer allied mantle cell lymphoma. Suddenly took ill while we were visiting her at home
We called an ambulance, the paramedics were there in less than 10 minutes. When they started to examine her we knew things were not going well. They took her outside to the ambulance my wife went with them.. She then rushed back saying “I think mum has collapsed in the ambulance” but before we could take it in the landlines rang.. Which was unusual as the lady was elderly and it never rang.. It was the hospital telling my wife ” your mum has collapsed in the ambulance but she is breathing again. But we need to get to the hospital fast”
We did.. And we’re taken into a side room a nurse said “she had collapsed but was breathing again on a pipe and they were going to remove the pipe”.. To which my wife said. “does that mean she will go into intensive card?”
The nurse said ” no we will see..
.. Now here is where the trauma happened…
They didn’t tell us that she had passed away in the ambulance and they had got her breathing. But not councious..
We went in to see her laying in a bed covered to the neck in a sheet. Her face was blue and porcelain and swollen you could see the vains in her face…. “What the f**k.. I remember thinking it shocked me rigid…. They removed the pipe from her mouth both her tongue and mouth were purple….” Oh God”
Within seconds the nurse turned to my wife and said “I’m so sorry she has passed away do you want to say anything to her?” my wife just said “No… I’m out of here” and got out of there.. I stood here for what seems like ages but was probably about 30 seconds I just wanted to go over and take her hand and say “Don’t worry it’s OK” but I was so shocked by what I saw I just got out of there…
Since then very slowly I have been falling apart.. Anxiety, massive memory problems, Crying fits, sensory overload… I’m on anti depessives.. But I’m not the same it’s ripped me to bits seeing her like that I had known her over 30 years… God knows how I’m going to get over this….
….
I can definitely relate. I’ve been very concerned about my memory loss and inability to consentrate. I have worried that I may be getting dementia at an early age. I have been super sensitive and unable to handle any stress. We run a business so this is difficult. I did have an awakening at some point and be was able to recognize that I felt trauma. Trauma from many devastating losses in the past 4 years. First I lost my son 3 weeks before his 25th birthday suddenly in a work accident. In 18 months I lost my son, my grandfather, and my 39 year old sister. In 2021 I lost my 6 week old grandbaby to sids, my 30 year old niece to overdose, and my mom too COVID all in a 4 month of period. I forgot…my ex father in law to suicide in 2020. I had already lost my step mom and dad in 1996, and 2006. I feel I had already gotten through the trauma of the earlier losses, and had as much as possible gotten through the trauma of losing my son. I think the recent losses are why I’m experiencing this now. I just try to be patient with myself and compassionate with myself giving myself permission to be fragile. I hope and pray you all can too. It helps to hear about it and share my experience with others.
lost my mind, memory and all sense of where and who I am. I have lost my mind for sure.
Absolutely! I have been dropped into a Stephen King novel and I can’t get out. The nightmare never ends.
Oh man, I can so relate. While I have not lost anyone to death recently, my family is being torn apart (again) by mental illness… and it is just like Stephen King is writing this crazy-making mess. Most of the time, I just want to scream, “What the hell do you want from me!? Are you kidding me right now!?” …. crickets…
I fear this is my life…
I lost my son to suicide March 2018 and still have memory loss and bad confusion. I was afraid that I was getting Dementia because I am 72 years old. The grief still comes in big waves but not as often, I feel that I may be doing better but did not realize how hard this would be. Hope I am normal.
Thank God for this place to speak about Grief. Yours is so recent and profound. I pray you will have others close by to get together with for real support. I still grieve the loss of a very dear Neice a few years ago also to suicide. Her husband had died 6 months earlier and she suffered from several serious pain conditions. I know better but still imagine what I could have said to have prevented it. Absolutely nothing. Now the sister I grew up with has Advanced Alzheimer’s and I am not handling it very well. This Blog has helped already. I made huge mistakes financially recently and have been calling myself stupid. I will stop that as of now. Be kind to yourself please….every day…okay?
Can so relate to most posting on here . I stayed in hometown after my divorce because family here . All of a sudden , father got sick after a fall & passed at 59 . Aunt passed months later , his sister . My only brother then died of sorosis from alcohol & devastated me . It traumatized me finding & trying to revive him unsuccessfully. I always always always had my mother to lean on . I helped her with losing my brother , her son & she helped me with loss of father , aunt & big brother . Next thing I know mother diagnosed w/terminal cancer . I thought I was losing my mind . I got pysically sick while taking care of her as her 3rd husband too old to care for her . She fought , fought hard . Cancer sucks !!
Lost her at 56 & miss her more than words can describe . All I had left was her husband, a kind man , but he died within months of my mother .
Here I am , in this town with no family left here . None . It’s a struggle to push each day waiting for the so called light at end of tunnel & I pray to God that light exists . Friends have dropped off due to not knowing what to say . So isolating , lonely & sometimes this life makes no sense at all . We don’t ask to be born , we are thrown into this crazy world & have to trust God that he will carry us until we go home to heaven . Bless you all.
Joey….My heartbreaks hearing about everything. I lost my Dad in Oct 2017. After about 2 wks of watching him turn from a vibrant 79 yr old man to a man who was literally withering away. Going to doctors appt but getting no real answers; I told him enough & that I was taking him to the ER room. Within 2 wks he has passed due to congestive heart failure. He had caught a cold and that was all it took for his already weakened heart to succumb. He turned 80 in the hospital & had told me he asked the Lord to allow him to see 80. Now, I’m here with my Mom who was completely loss after 55 yrs of marriage. I have on sibling who lives 1500 miles away; he’s helpful when he’s here but of course that’s not often. GTime has soften the sharp painful cutting edges of heartbreak but the pain is there just different. I don’t wake up everyday sad but life for me has gotten worse. Lost my job last year, found another job that’s only part time & found out that position will be ending in June. But I remain hopeful while I try to move on with my pain.
My parents recently died at 90 and 91. Was very close to them and they were my stronghold in today’s screwed up society. Since I was always relatively independent, I care little about those critical about my dealing with my loss. All you need in this world are a few good quality family members or friends. Quality not quantity is what matters. A parent’s love is unconditional no matter how great or unsuccessful you are and I miss that. Someone who lost their Mom told me to learn to treat your work, relaxation, sleep, and grieving times like books on a shelf. Take each one off the shelf for a time and savor them individually, then put them back for later. While your loved ones are alive spend the most time with them that you can. Take lots of photos and videos, record and save their phone messages; they are all that is left of them. I did all these and it made the loss a peaceful one.
God bless you ❤️🙏❤️🙏
This was such a relief to read. I lost 2 babies in second trimester, one two years ago and one 3 months ago. I was completely unable to function after my first loss for a long time. But ever since then I find I am so forgetful and absent minded in a way that I never was before. I was so efficient and high functioning! Now I struggle to remember what I came into a room for or to get much done in a day. I feel frustrated with myself so often and am easily distracted and find my concentration span is gone. I definitely have days where I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m so comforted to know that this is a normal response to grief. Thank you for this and all your posts.
I can relate to Rachel completely after I lost my beautiful Dad from cancer early May. I looked after him for 16 years after the loss of mum. I am trying to function properly. I only have my husband, no children and one very good friend. It is just so damn frustrating. I just take one day at a time.
Yes I have experienced all the physical & emotional signs of grief. In my broken heart I know this,
as I was not disorganized, forgetful, unmotivated before loss and profound grief. Yet it so disheartening & insulting to hear from others that I am “hormonal” “menopausal” “negative” “dissatisfied or disgruntled ” I want to scream at them all. You have not walked a mile in my shoes, witnessed what I have seen and lost what I have- so shut your mouths on what you don’t know and quit judging me. I truly have just walked away from it all. I can’t take any more assaults 🙁 I would rather be alone than be critiqued, no wonder grief is so isolating- I get it now.
“I would rather be alone than be critiqued.”
*****
Exactly.
Thank you.
Best quote ever! Thank you.
Thank you Tracy for outlining my experience so well. I’d rather stay home with my cats. At least they don’t expect me to be entertaining all the time. Why must people be so demanding? I am glad the holidays are over, being around people has worn me out. I just want peace and quiet without others reminding me of how different my life is now. I would also like to record the things people say and play it back so they know how dumb they sound. Here I am searching grief support sites, that’s the good being social for Christmas has done me. Blah.
I am replying to you because
Like you I couldn’t believe the things that come out of the mouths of my so called friends, family, even my husband. A family member said : I can’t believe you are still grieving it’s been two weeks . I was speechless. I feel as if I’m being attacked so i stay home in my room with my dog this blog had been so helpful.
That is heart breaking right there. 2 Weeks. At least my brother gave me 2 months and then asked me “what is wrong with you?” It is just astounding. I am not sure whether I am more upset by the lack of support or the apparent lack of love, friendship and loss they held for that very person, my wife, whom meant everything to me and was a beautiful friend, listener and supporter to all that ever befriended her and many that were just happen chance acquaintances.
I’d like to chalk it up to denial and the fear of the emotions along with the inevitability of their own future/ prospective experiences, but perhaps they simply lack the gene for empathy.
Still, I am sure that most, if not all of us, have failed in this manner in our lifetimes. What is left, is the lesson for us to step past our grief when we arrive at a point that we can do so, and step up to listen and help when we see others unfortunately travel this same journey.
I am not good at it yet, but I keep asking myself (in the broadest way) what I wish I had spent my life asking – have I loved well today. I may have failed my wife in that way but she never failed me in that way and certainly, there is a world of opportunity to love in ways small and grand in all of our daily interactions.
Boy isn’t that the truth! All the judging and labels they place on us. That’s exactly why I try to steer clear of people while I’m going through this. I’m wounded and I don’t want to be kicked while I’m down. But people are drawn to people who are hurting for precisely that purpose. Because we are wounded and vulnerable. And it makes them feel superior when they point out our weaknesses – our confused behavior – and how bad we look because we don’t sleep enough & cry all the time. And maybe we don’t care as much as we used to about how we look. And maybe we don’t have patience like we used to. They gossip about us and all those things about us, and just say mean things about us. They say we should be doing this or shouldn’t be doing that. Do we really want people around us when we’re grieving? Why do we feel we do? The more I think about it … I dont think I do. It’s not my job to be their whipping post because they need to put other people down so they can feel better about themselves. Some people call just to get more info to gossip to others about. I won’t be trusting any of them anymore. Or at the very least, I’ll be very selective.
Thank you. I lost my son in June 2009. This article feels like a warm hug, saying, “It’s okay. You’re responding in a normal way to a tragic loss.” I know I’ll never be who I once was, but I’m okay, just different. Thank you.
I lost my son , on Mother’s Day this year , I don’t know what’s real any more , I feel I am going crazy as I feel it , my mind sees everything differently, and I have to try block out my craziness, or I would truely loose my mind
Beyond sad. Simply awful. Can you live 1 hour at a time?
Might be the only realistic thing to do….and then try to get from
lunch to the evening meal….and take everything in small segments.
Sorry to read what happened to you and your loved child.
I find one hour at a time to be too much, I take it just one moment at a time.
So true a minute at a time
I cry all day, I keep his bedroom door closed. I ask the Lord every night to please take me so I can be with him. People say it will get better it had been 5 months and I still spend most of my days in bed.
I am so sorry Suzy, we lost my brother and I see my mom struggling each day. I am lost and afraid of dying now or even worse my parents and being all alone. I try to never let them know I am falling apart because no matter how bad it is for me I know my mom is suffering more. I wish you peace of min and some day to be happy again I truly wish that for you. No mother should have to lose a child
I lost my husband to suicide this year on Mother’s Day, May 13th. I’ll never forget this date. Be blessed. God is watching over him now.
My dear friend lost her husband to suicide just 3 weeks ago. I lost my husband almost 2 years ago. I’ve been more absent minded and forgetful. Then last week I had to put my beloved horse down and the cycle started all over again. I keep my hope and trust in God almighty and know this pain and suffering will end one day and I’ll be with my creator and family.
As I read the above blog and replies – it hit me in a deep place that I’m not crazy (my secret), alone or isolated. Reading this is so valuable to me. I thought my ‘craziness’ was something that I just had to get used to – that memory loss and the waves of grief that hit out of nowhere at take me to my knees had just become who I am. At times I thought this ‘new person’ was here to stay – the loss of memory, the inability to make a decision or to concentrate or remember anything, the huge amount of lists I made (and duplicate lists in case I can’t find the first one), — and the anxiety, sadness and fear that this was IT. I used to be someone that everyone else relied on for remembering things. Now I have hope again, Also to accept that grief has no timeline has been huge for me – because after almost two years, it still can knock me over if I let it. One more thing to add – reading this has helped me to understand more about the effects grief is having on my son, and there is no clock that will signal the end. Thanks for the courage to share.
Thank you❤️
It’s been a year and 9 months for me, since Antonio died, suddenly, in front of me, in my arms. I finally have stopped running away, stopped trying to put myself back together. I feel I have lost my mind. Not just with the doing of life’s business, but with something deeper, something that can’t rectify opposite forces, keeps bouncing between ups and downs, and this blog makes sense of this experience.
I just passed the 4-month mark since losing my boyfriend; however, I truly thought about 3-weeks back that I might need someone to check me into a mental facility because I truly thought I was going out of/losing my mind. Being home alone & all the thoughts that can’t be shut off. All the tidal wave of emotions that come & go at any minute of the day. Since reading your blog & couple before has help settle my anxiety that I’m not going off the deep end. I think I’m currently coping negatively with some avoidance. I’m also going through the numbness of feeling empty inside. And the big fear & dilemma that never stops gnawing at me is: “who am I”? Steve was the other have of me. A friend had a nickname for us, “Deeve”, but who am I without him? In addition to losing Steve, his 15 yr son was guilted into living with his grandparents, we had to move out of the duplex Steve had, the life I’ve known for the last 5yrs is gone & to top it off, I live 40 mins away, so I feel like I have been thrown to the wolves. I do a lot of grieving in solitude, so I feel like I’m withdrawing, so when all the emotions & thoughts come crashing in with high anxiety & sleeplessness, I truly thought I was crazy. Thank you for your blog.
Ur story really hit home with me. I also lost my partner only 8 month’s ago and feel like im going out of my mind. Im doing my best to raise our two children alone and its just so Hard.
I just lost my partner 2 months and trying to raise my daughter alone now too . It is VERY HARD. Trying to push on minute by excruciating minute. Hang in there!
MY HUSBAND DIED SEPTEMBER OF 2015. WE HAD BEEN TOGETHER FOR 31 YEARS… HE WAS MY BEST
FRIEND (BEEN TOGETHER SINCE I WAS 12 YEARS OLD) I HAD TO TAKE HIM OF LIFE SUPPORT, AND I THOUGHT I PASSED AWAY WITH HIM… HE WAS ALL I KNEW… I COULDN’T BREATH OR EVEN THINK BECAUSE I LOST MY ENTIRE WORLD… I WAS TOLD, U WILL BE OKAY, BUT IT WASN’T OK I FELT ALONE,,, I DIDN’T HAVE A MEMORY OF A THOUGHT, BECAUSE I COULDN’T FOCUS,,, THE HURT JUST COULDN’T BE EXPLAINED,,, I GOT TIRED OF PEOPLE GIVING ME ADVICE, BECAUSE THEY DID NOT KNOW WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT,,, AT TIMES I COULDN’T EVEN REMEMBER IF I BRUSHED MY TEETH,,, U BECOME CONSUMED WITH GRIEF… I HAD TO WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING,,, SOMETIMES BEING ALONE CAN BE THE BEST THING, BECAUSE FAMILY AND FRIEND EXPECT TO MUCH FROM YOU,,, WHEN U ARE TRYING TO FIND YOURSELF AGAIN,,, THIS HELPS ME UNDERSTAND THAT I’M NOT CRAZY,, I JUST MISS MY HUSBAND
Terrible. You’ve had the loss of your partner, your home together, and
his child….many deep multiple losses….what a hard, hard time to navigate.
It is no wonder you are feeling all these conflicting emotions and our society is
NOT good at helping anyone who is going through more complicated loss. Try to ignore those who don’t understand and KEEP ON, KEEPING ON (somehow, bit at a time.)
I understand. I lost my husband of 51 years 14 months ago. Even with a very supportive family and friends, some days I don’t think I can or want to go on.
Lost my wife of 39 years early morning on Thanksgiving of 2016. 18 months. She died right in front of me. At home. In our bedroom. Have never gotten past it. Used to be an avid reader, would even read labels on cans in stores. House full of books…Don’t read anymore, don’t watch movies or go out to eat anymore. Things have improved, but I am still on the edge of crying and breaking down all the time. God bless you. Good luck.
My son, (43), and his wife (38), died 4 months ago. They left behind an infant. I’ve lost many family members, this pain is like no other. I don’t know how I make it thru the day. I hate waking up in the morning..sleep is my only retreat. I doesn’t go away. The other grandmother got custody of my grandson because she has the older sibling…they are half brothers. I’ve done nothing wrong, but adhere to ridiculous rules. Can only see him 1x every two months. How will he ever know me? The grief is beyond belief. Every single moment of every day.
Hey Mike,
I lost my husband to suicide in May of 2017. I came home to find him hanging in our garage. I have a stack of partially read books because I have what I’m calling “grief induced ADD”. My concentration has gotten a tiny bit better but I still find it very hard to sit with anything for longer than 15 minutes. All of my hobbies vanished when Steve died and I can’t drudge up the motivation to do anything anymore. It’s frustrating, infuriating, agonizing, depressing…. You’re not alone by any stretch!
My 16-year-old cousin, with whom I was close, died when I was 10. I am now 33, and her death was the start of a series of events that resulted in immense loss for me. As I have finally realized through some therapy, I have so much loss I can’t fathom it. Each day is survival, not living. I absolutely feel crazy, and no one in my life, not a single soul, knows I feel this way in my own head. I wonder when the day will come I can’t continue to just barely hold it together with appointments. When it’s so, so much – multiple deaths and permanent goodbyes, loss of future possibilities in so many ways – how does one start to regain a sense of sanity? I never get a chance to begin grieving that last thing before something else bad happens.
Oh God I feel the same, you described me as well. I am not living my life, but surviving it. I’m reading this because my son-in-law lost his mother yesterday, my grandsons of 2 and 5 lost a grandmother.I was not that close to her, but we are big on family, so we had her over to holiday meals, family parties etc. And I find myself numb to my own feelings, I know I am very sad for the loss, but I am still grieving the loss of my younger brother 2012, my mother in 2015, and 4 aunts and uncles in between who I loved dearly on top of that my 35 year old son who I take care of because he has cerebral palsy and is nonverbal though he has a voice loud enough to bring me back from my inner self and at times when my inner self starts talking out loud no matter how I try to be strong for my family on the outside, my inside is struggling to be ok today. My son sees right through me, all three of my kids have a good read on me, hard to hide it from them, but this son has to see it every day and I try hard to be as silly as I can so he doesn’t feeel sad for me, and it has been getting better. Did I mention my husband, though very supportive with helping my son, has no empathy or support left for me, which leaves me feeling pretty empty. So I don’t mean to appear selfish or untouched by the recent passing of my wonderful son-in-law’s mother, who is understandably broken hearted, but I just can’t cry for her right now, it seems strange to me, but I think I’m out of tears, emotionally exhausted. Thank you all its nice to know I’m not alone, I also can relate to the memory loss, I get side tracked in thinking of my brother, mom, aunts at times and thinking about all the daily and weekly phone chats we had in the past 30 years and how the phone doesn’t seem to ring very much anymore. I miss that more than I ever thought I would. Love and Peace to all
The memory loss has been one of the most frustrating things for me. I’ve always been a list and calendar person, so all of that is really normal, but the inability to answer the question “What did you do last week/weekend/yesterday?” is infuriating and humorous all at once. It has become funny because I keep expecting it to get better, like the next time someone asks I’ll actually be able to answer the question, but it doesn’t. I put effort into being kind to myself, but knowing that I’m not actually forming visceral memories about my life right now is frustrating and sad. It’s part of my motivation to document my experiences and feelings, because I know I won’t remember them in a day or two. Ask me about the months leading up to Aaron’s death, the day of his accident, and the week in the hospital: done. It’s like it was yesterday. As me about the last five and a half months: blank. It takes so much work to remember, and the things that do come are facts, without feelings, and usually incomplete.
@Courtney M–Ditto, ditto, ditto! “It’s part of my motivation to document my experiences and feelings, because I know I won’t remember them in a day or two.” Thank you for sharing this wonderful idea!!! It’s been two years since my loss. I will give this a try. And thank you for reminding me to be kind to myself–I forgot that, too! Haha~
It’s only three months for me since I lost my husband to lung cancer. The thing next to losing him that has caused me the most grief has been my inability to take over the financial responsibilities he handled so easily. I’m talking dealing with banks and investments etc. It’s as if my brain will not/cannot click into gear. I don’t get it, but reading Megan’s essay has helped me to wonder if it isn’t the grief itself that is causing this issue. I am avoiding taking the whole thing on, and I am being criticized for not jumping in with both feet, but I know that there is something very very wrong that is preventing me from doing what I normally would be able to do. Thank you for writing this Megan. It has given me food for thought and knowledge that perhaps I shouldn’t be listening to the criticism, I should be looking after myself the best I can.
Just like me! Only my husband’s death from lung cancer was a month before your husband’s. I had to fight off a financial advisor who wanted me to have made an investment decision within a week. I said, back off, a child failing in middle school is a bigger priority. Imagine being this child, having ADHD and puberty and watching Dad die of lung cancer simultaneously! No wonder there is disruptive behavior in school! Because the parents are “clamoring” for the principal to “do something” this behavior resulted in a suspension. Time for some grief education from all involved.
The financial people can be like buzzards. I’m sorry your child is suffering so much too.
I forgot my colleagues’ surnames and half my vocabulary. But I didn’t actually lose my mind until 6 years after he died. I moved country and finally realised he wasn’t coming home and spent 3 months in a mental hospital I think I had to hit rock bottom to start to move forwards
Hi Boo,
I just found this website, cause I had been searching hard on the internet to see if anyone felt the same as me Thanks ever so much for your comment….it is now 7 years since I lost my 23 year old son to cancer, and just like you have just now realised he is not coming back. I have no mind at all now….its as if my head is empty and I am getting worse. Is there anything else you could tell me..
I lost my 14 year old daughter nov 14 2015 .i feel my head is empty to and I am getting worse I can never say it even in my head that she is never coming home . I am worried s out my mental health. Is this what you did for the past 7 years ? How have you survived 7 years without your son? How are you now ? I’m so sorry for your lose .
I also lost a son on June 2, 2019. It was a senseless car wreck. I hate it when people call it an accident because the then 16 year old who killed my 21 year old son and nearly killed my 19 year old son admitted he was going too fast and just didn’t stop. It was his 3rd wreck that week and he was allowed to continue driving even after that night. I am so angry. He was never punished and he destroyed our lives. My son who survived is without his only sibling and best friend. My husband and I are without our oldest son who was such an inspiration to everyone who knew him. He was close to graduating from college and wanted to spend his life serving others as a police officer.
Now that it has been nearly 2-1/2 years and to some more than enough time to grieve I am constantly asked when I’m going back to work. Everything reminds me of Austin and I still find it hard to get through most days but with each passing day I’m closer to seeing him again. My faith in God and support from my husband and son as well as a few friends is getting me through. I was a registered nurse and a pretty good one but now my mind is so broken I couldn’t safely practice as a nurse if I wanted to. I’m glad I’m not going crazy. My head and my heart were definitely shattered that terrible night. I pray for all of you and your losses.
I lost my brother in May and I can honestly say that these past 7 months I have felt like I’m losing my mind. I have basically locked myself up in my house. I don’t go out to lunch, dinner, my woman’s club, I quit being a docet for our local Historical museum… I just don’t feel like doing anything. Now that the holidays are here I have no choice I have to go out but believe me I do it under duress. I started grief counseling immediately and she has worked wonders for me but I still have a long ways to go. Thank goodness I read this article because now I know I’m normal and not just dragging it out. Thank You..
I lost my brother February 28 2018 at the age of 54. He died suddenly of a heart attack he was the last person on earth i would have excepted to pass. He was the picture of health never sick aways so energetic. My brother is my very best friend we talked everyday we are only 1 year and 4 months apart in age him 54 me 53. My very first friend in the world my best friend always. I feel so lost and alone. I can’t think straight i never go anywhere. I am just lost i dont even know what im doing half the time. I just count the days the hous the minutes of how long its been since i have seen or talked to my brother my best friend. I am married i have a 18 year old daughter i feel like im not here of either of them. My daughter is also lost shes starting to get a bit better im getting worse. I just want to see him i want to know hes ok. I feel life is just so unfair i just dont understand how or why. I feel i like i am loosing my mind for sure. My husband acts like im crazy and not very supportive at all. I want my brother back i need to see him i feel like i am going just flip out.
Oh Angie, I am the same way. I lost my brother, my best friend September 18, 2015 unexpectedly and my life is a mess now. I feel so lost and afraid now. I thought he would be here to help me when our parents leave too. Since he has been gone I lost my job, I don’t go out at all and I used to be very social. Our mom is not well and dad has had two heart attacks and I am in constant fear of losing them too.
I am not me anymore, I can’t talk to anyone because people think I should be “over it” by now. I fear I am losing my mind d real and I don’t know how to get myself back.
This was a truly wonderful thing to read, as I am only on week two since losing my grandmother who was very near and dear to me. I have had such a difficult time at work and home trying to keep everything together and going. I don’t feel like me anymore and aside from my husband, I feel like everyone expects me to be over it already… I don’t know when I will and the pressure is an added layer to the already bizarre state that my head is in. Thank you for sharing! You have truly brought me some relief!
I lost my sister last week to a massive brain hemorrhage. She was 65. Her ex husband, who took care of her financially thru the years, was executor of her will. We found out that he gave all of her things away without notifying any of us… I know legally it was ok for him to do this, but I never got to go through her photos, her personal items, etc. I feel so angry that he didn’t ask any of us to come over. He won’t even return my calls, and it hurts. She was my SISTER. We were close. He would not even have a service for her, because he said she did not want that. I feel empty. She was ripped from my life in an instant, and nothing more is said. I did get to hold her as she took her last breaths. Soothed her, and assured her it was ok to stop fighting… she was trying to hold on, tho her brain would never recover. God damn it I miss my sister.
Wow your post brought tears to my eyes. I lost my husband of 25 years and my mother within 18 months. My sister and her husband accused me of stealing her money and not caring for her properly as I watched my husband waste away for 2.5 years. I did all this and only took 1 week off of work. Now, 4 months after his death I have met some that I’m enjoying time with….now I’m getting the weird reactions from some family members and friends. You know what – I listen to my own council. Life is short I put my time in and now I’m having some fun and it’s wonderful. People will just have to get over it. Your sister would not want this for you and you can’t change what happened. Take care of you in her memory.
Tears.
This is my first visit to the Refuge in Grief site.
You are all life-savers.
My experience of grief started at age 7; that part of me feels safe that you might offer help, hope and healing for my grown[up self in this community.
Thank you.
I am 4 weeks into my grieving and several times I’ve said outload, “I’m losing my mind!” It is good to hear that I’m not the only one. I’m a construction project manager and very organized and on top of things, but lately I can’t remember things at all. This site is turning into such a valuable life line for me. Thank you Megan.
It’s been about a year since my brother died. Trauma bound us together as children, so it was like he was my shadow. Six months ago, I lost my apartment in the city, now live in the suburbs and I feel so isolated and wonder also if I’m going crazy. I have health insurance but grief counseling wasn’t covered anywhere. sigh. I’ve written about him a lot, and been published, but fear really still drives me.
My memory has never been good. Losing my dad has made me a complete idiot for the last 6 months. Thanks for letting me know it’s normal.
It has been 14 months since my dear husband’s death. He died suddenly 2 months after celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary. To say that I am still devastated is an understatement. I too have issues with my memory. It is almost bizarre how I can do something and literally 5 minutes later I’ve already forgotten all about it. I mean really forgotten about it! I do wonder at times if I am losing my mind. It helps to know this seems to be a common phenomenon among those who are grieving.
It seemed though that when the anniversary of my David’s death arrived, other people had some expectation that magically, because a year had passed, I would just be “over it”.
I know now that there is no getting “over it”. I am trying to have faith that with time the pain will soften ..and, hopefully, my memory may return.
I’m 19 months in from losing my fiancé the week after we were due to be married, I’m sorry to say that that things just seem to be getting worse since the first year. Getting to grips with the fact that life just marches on when it seems like it’s over for me seems impossible. My memory is shot, which is to be expected, but I feel like I’m crazy with stress which is affecting all aspects of my life. The rational side of me understands that it’s all a process and is to be expected, the irrational (probably the more real side of me) is struggling to cope and feels like the world is imploding even more than before as it’s actually becoming a reality. I started a journal where I write to him everyday, but it seems to be becoming darker lately with trying to reconcile the truth. I Can only hope that my memory and all other aspects of my life will improve once I accept what has happened.
Hi Vicki,
Well, someone who I can relate to, finally. Although I have had other deaths in my life, this one has been more than I think I can bare. I’m 23 months out from loosing my fiancé and it hasn’t gotten better. We postponed our day in the fall to a spring wedding and he died 2 months almost to the tee of our original day. I haven’t been able to concentrate, focus, remember, organize, or anything in that area. Because I found him dead at my home in my bedroom beside my bed after returning home from work one day, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Even my cooking abilities are suffering. Dishes that I cooked with ease, some of his and my favorites, are now a chore and are not very appetizing. I have to rehearse things sometimes to remember to do or say them….coat, phone, book, coat, phone, book….get to the top of the stairs and….what was that third thing I needed??? Two years before my fiancé died, I lost both my parents exactly a week apart on the same day of the week, the day after Christmas and the day after New Years. My fiancé was there with me from the beginning to the end of their illnesses. I feel like my family, friends, work staff, are over it and me! Like I’m making things up or making excuses. Very frustrating and embarrassing.
Thanks Renee and Vicki. I can relate. I feel like fiances don”t get enough credit. I’m three months out from loosing my fiance. We were best friends, soulmates, we were each others better half. I had a small difference in the fact that mine happened on the couch out of the blue. I had to do CPR on her until the paramedics got there. her heart stopped and it took them a long time to get it started. Long story short she ended up in a coma in the hospital. the first 4-5 days were fine. i was always there. then out of the blue the family stopped letting me see her and blamed me for the death. there was nothing I could do, I wasn’t technically family, we weren’t married, I was just the fiance. they cut me and my kids off from everything. We did get to see her at the funeral which, I guess, was our goodbye. But no one talks to us. Not her family, not her friends, no one. I am at a loss and have the same problems. I’m not the same, as in, memory, thought process, work, i’m kind of a mess. it’s a constant why why why. I want to say something to the family because they always told me that my kids and I were family. I don’t want to be mean. I’m trying to be the better person but, it’s hard. Any one have any thoughts????
I just read your story.I am sorry you and your children are going throw this. And most sorry they thought it was best .For yous to be taken from her while she was in hospital.I really dont understand people anymore. But you sound like one special person. And how you tried to keep her going means so much.I hope you keep in your heart how much you tried to help her. Try to remember the good times you had with her. Sounds like she was deeply loved. As for her family and friends .Some times grief makes you feel if different ways. Sometimes someone needs to blame someone. But you need to decide if you want to accept this. Please put the love in your heart that yous had.Hold on to it tight.And thats all you need. We cant change how people act .Are who they want to blame.Its sad but thats people. I could right a book .In the 7 weeks my husband is gone. I am very sad how people act. When you loose someone its trauma enough.But to deal with people like you have.In my eyes is heart break.I am sorry you had to deal with this. But try and rememeber what you had. No one can take that from you.Iwish you and your loved ones the best
This is crazy. three months ago I drove the three hours to say good bye to my sister (who raised me). No one saw it coming. Drove home late that night and got up next day to find my wife dead (prescription drug/alcohol overdose). Net day my sister died. I understand the old saying of “losing your marbles”. It feels as if I was in the middle of a huge warehouse and somehow all my marbles were knocked out of my hands an rolled everywhere and the lights are out. I have live with ADD my whole life and know what it is to feel scattered. This just makes it worse. I’m faking it a lot. I teach 5th grade and there is no planning going on. But staying home would be worse. I just want my marbles back. A little.
Memory loss is so known to me. After two and a half years after loosing my mom, still not back. My mind used to be sharp, clear. I was quick with making decisions, founding solutions to problems, coming up with ideas, planning … I never had to write anything to remember, I used to remember names of my clients . Now, I cannot even remember and recognize the person I met last week. It is very embarrassing , especially at work. I was always punctual, never had an appointments book. Now I never can make on time. I am always late everywhere , even to work. I used to be good with details and had perfect picture memory. It is also gone. When there was a problem, to me was a challenge. Thinking, idea, solution, action, Now, I feel helpless. Now, even grocery shopping is a challenge . I go to the store and …I feel so confused about what I need, what I want. Me, always organized, now complete mess in every area of my life. I changed and not sure if I ever gonna be the same person as I used to be. I was strong, now I am weak. I was helping people. now I do not know how to help myself. I wore a mask as soon as I leave the house. Last week someone asked me hoe do I do this that I am always smiling, always happy…Hmm…. If he only knows whats really going on with me. I feel broken, empty, lost, death inside, numb…
I know what you mean; I have tried for months to go grocery shopping, and always end up stuck in an aisle, confused, just grabbing what I think I need (which never is ) and leaving the store in tears. Its as if I can recall every single minute up to my Mom’s passing that Valentines Day ,but cant remember where I parked the car….
My mother was due to move to the USA at the beginning of May. I found her an apartment within walking distance to our house and we were all super excited. In February she tripped and hit her head. She remained in a coma for a month and then died. I am battling to work, read, sleep or just be sociable but I have to. My husband was supportive for the first month, but he seems to think I should be getting over it and coping much better! It is three months tomorrow. Just need people to talk to who can understand the feeling of being so lonely, lost and alone after losing someone close to you.
Hi Lillian. I also lost my brother , my soul mate , unexpectedly … 11/2 years ago . Still wake up almost every morning with waves of grief – missing him so much . I am not married / no children and only 1 real friend . I’ll be moving soon – your post made me realize I need to be I. The city around people . I hope you’re doing better , Susan
I lost my dad a year ago. The 4 months following were a nightmare. I spiraled out of control, made poor relationship choices and barely got my life back together afterward. Then the anniversary of his death hit, thought I was fine…seemed okay but then everyday things I couldn’t remember. Sometimes I just feel upset, edgy and depressed. Each day is a battle to pretend I’m okay and continue growing as an individual. He was my hero, mentor and best friend. I feel so tired inside.
What a relief to read your words! I really thought that I was losing it.
I lost my husband 5 months ago and my brain is still not working right. I really have to concentrate to get things done, as it seems I can’t focus. I am sure now that it will get better.
Dearest Margo
Time alone each week to cry and talk to your husband where no one else can intrude has helped me to ” keep it together” for the rest of the week. I lost my sweetheart of 42 yr of marriage 6 months ago and my heart weeps with you dear one. Some days it is my faith alone that sustains my wounded heart. Peace I pray for you.
This has helped me so much to finally realize I am not alone or going crazy. I have always been focused and on top of everything. Now I can’t remember to pay bills on time, lose things and can’t stay focused.
I lost my dad to cancer in May. He had been in remission and was staying that way until his wife cancellednhis appointments for almost a year. By the time we got him back on it was too late. He tried everything and maybe that is why it’s so hard to accept.
I feel encouraged though and that will keep me going.
Omg this helped me I lost my 27 year old son my baby boy in an accident 8 months ago and I truly thought I was losing my mind can’t remember anything , my husband the other day said you act like you are in another world I am I said ! I feel like I’m walking around in a fog it sucks but this has helped me a lot to know it is a normal process
My son was murdered on 4th of July last year. I spent a month out of work but I still had to take care of my then 5year old daughter who was starting kindengarden 3 weeks after his death. Can’t remember how to spell things, get confused driving places. I just am embarrassed cause I know sometimes ppl just think I’m a air head. Now I know I’m not going crazy.
I lost my son, 31, on the 10/7/2017, my boy my best friend, in a car accident – he died instantly. It’s been over a year and my memory and concentration are worse than ever, work colleagues really don’t understand and I am constantly scrutinised for making errors and my confidence is shattered. Just as above I can’t remember how to spell and forget where I driving too, and the joy of cooking (my son I loved cooking too) has become an effort. I am now 52 and I feel 102 with everyday living and breathing is such an effort.
So glad I found this site. I thought I was going mad or developing Dementia. Lost my 35 year old son 16 months ago to suicide and it’s a nightmare. I Am forgetting names, dates and numbers and in a job that demands me to be high functioning. People think I am ditsy, and I feel that they think I should be over it by now. Work does keep me from thinking too much. And then when not at work I have to be going something. My intolerance of people and things that don’t matter is profound
The fear of not getting through this grief is always there. Iam doing counselling, energy healing, group meetings, and anything that will stop the pain
I feel for you! I lost my 28 year old daughter in a car accident last year as well as my baby brother 2 months before my daughter and older brother 2 months after my daughter. I don’t know why one family has to endure so much pain. My poor parents and family. I don’t know how to live anymore! I don’t know how to get through this I can only pretend I am strong for my other 2 daughters and parents but sometimes it gets unbearable!
My loss of memory, concentration, the lack of ability to try new things…this is me.
My much loved husband of 41 years died 18 months ago. I thought I was ok, but I’m not. I’m 70 and physically unwell, but it’s the mental part that scares me.
I don’t mind being alone so much but I feel as if I’m looking through a clouded screen. The memories are there, but just out of reach. Talk about a’ glass darkly’.
I’m happy to sleep all time if I could.
My boyfriend suicided two years ago, this month. This fall I lost my job, and my father’s dementia has gotten a lot worse. I have fallen into a deep depression, and I feel like my brain is not working right. I feel like there’s too much pain inside me I can’t get it out. I also have a lot of mental fog, fatigue, and sudden emotional pain. I’m glad I found this blog and all of the comments from people before me, so I know I’m not alone in feeling so awful.
Holy cow! This has helped so much, I truly thought I was loosing my mind.
My dad died from cancer almost 4 months ago. I held his hand as he took his last breath and have felt as if I have been walking in a dream like state ever since.
Thank you so much for this! You’re right, it does validate the concentration/memory issues I’ve been having since losing my fiancé to pancreatic cancer a month after he was diagnosed. That validation, and knowing I’m not really losing my mind is priceless right now.
Does it get better? Seriously, I can’t live this mentally scattered!
This is so me right now. Lost my brother to cancer suddenly six months ago and am stuck by circumstance in the house where it happened. Traumatized and in a fog all the time. Like a waking nightmare.
Al of these comments are truly helpful to me. I lost my husband to cancer 16 months ago. He was sick for 18 months with a grueling surgery, chemo and radiation . Two months after he died my Father passed away. The two most important men in my life. I too have been criticized for who I have been since he died. I’m 63 and I have been told that I need to see a gereatic doctor and be tested for my loss of memory, cognitive thinking etc. I recently sold the home we lived in for the past 20 years and feel lost. Not myself. Try not to impose my grief on others which makes me appear zombie like as I am trying to hold it all together. So much has happened in the past year. I am struggling to keep my head above water,
I lost my son on Dec 6, 2016 from
An accidental overdose. He was my 3rd child and my only son.
He was born legally blind so I always
Did more for him than the girls.
For 35 years I drove him Wherever
He needed to go when he needed me.
He struggled with his disability and
Always tried to fit in , even as am adult.
Unfortunately the friends he chose were not the right ones and it led to his dearh.
I am devastated to say the least!
I feel like I have been kicked in the
Stomach followed by nausea everytime I think of him being gone.
It hurts so bad sometimes I don’t
Think I can handle the pain.
People tell me it will get easier but
I am not sure how to deal with this until then.
It was good to read that I am not losing my mind ,because I cannot
Concentrate or remember things.
A friend suggested I read a book
Titled “The Shack” . It is about the
Loss of a child. I bought it a few days ago. I read a few chapters that first night then yesterday I picked it back up but could not remember anything I read the day before. I had to start over. That is not like me !
I hope and pray God gives the strength to get through this !
I just lost my beautiful daughter at age 33 from a pedestrian error in another state. She was a vibrant young lady with substance abuse and depression issues and an unrequited love affair. She was struggling with sobriety after repeated attempts to stay clean. The last two rehabs were successful until she found herself yearning for a return to her friends and lifestyle. She become agitated and was starting to have delusions of persecution. She was putting herself in harms way. Being physically abused no matter how much I encouraged her artistic talents and mental health/substance abuse rehabilitation once again. She was planning on returning to California ASAP, trying to escape someone or something when I stopped hearing from her for a couple of days. I told her about 30 day notice and was dreading the vicious cycle of finding refuge with me and friends before hitting rock bottom again when I got the most awful news imaginable: she got hit by a car crossing the street late at night in dark clothing. The Detective on the case reported to me today (a month later) my child was still conscious with her beautiful doe eyes still open and a pulse. She was rushed to a nearby hospital only to die. She died on me…She would always cry telling me she was so sorry, she sought to make me proud, that I was her idol and not to worry about her she would be fine. I am in agony thinking of her being in that street all alone being rendered CPR. If only I had been there to pull her out of the way, get in front of that car, answered her calls days prior to her death. I was busy making deadline sales to help support her with rent and for WHAT?!!! I have a spouse (not her dad. Her dad is an addict that introduced her to drugs and is devastated, a broken man since this tragedy) but I feel empty and alone without her. Naked, vulnerable. I don’t want to return to work. I am strong as far as the vigil and funeral went, keep a controlled appearance, but night time comes and I have palpitations and panic in breathing. I forced myself to see her in her casket, dressed her as she would have wanted) yet seeing her brulote my spirit. I am glad for the closure yet devastated at her gorgeous face and body so different and distorted from the embalming. I would not have done it but she had to be flown back to me across state lines.
I had a closed casket ceremony to honor her as she was paranoid about people staring at her. Only her grandparents and four closest friends got to see her.
I have been praying but am so scared and traumatized by her painful death I am afraid of her being lost, though I have received signs that I interpret as holy.
How can I be so strong amongst people yet break apart alone in spurts???
I lost my 14 yr old daughter to complications from chemo treatment 14 months ago. I don’t want to live without her. I can’t remember what I did 5 minutes ago most of the time . I feel lost . I can’t find any order to my days at all . I have extreme anxiety and panic when I think that she is gone . I want to run I have to find her. I feel I have gone insane . I only cook TV dinners because I forget I’m cooking and I could burn the house down . I don’t remember what day it is most days and the time that has gone by since she is gone I have no memory of . It shocks me when I think where and what have I been doing all these months . How am I still alive and why ? she is my heart and soul .i can’t adjust to this hell and I don’t want to.
hello my name is Michaela i lost my daughter 7 months ago, she had lung cancer,she was misdiagnosed and died August 2017,everything that could go wrong has, divorce just before and lost my home now ive lost my daughter she was 32 years old and they just gave her acid reflux drugs but she had rear lung cancer and it was showing on ct scan but they still gave her stomache pills and 10 months later her lungs calapsed and she died 6 weeks later. I couldnt grief in shock . im terrified and im ill before this happened now my life feels devastated, im on my own so afraid and sick and deeply depressed. the hospital owned up to negligence the doctors have left the country and they dont know were they have gone.
We experienced eight deaths in 2016 . It started with our oldest cat in January and ended with my 31 year old stepson in November . I have had little motivation or focus for months now .I am now actively looking for a grief counselor locally and looking to join a gym to get my body moving again.3 of the 8 deaths last year were in my husband’s family (his mom, his brother and his son).One was a long time friend of mine and the others were my sister’s dog , my friend’s dog , and another friend’s cat . Too much for one year …Sharon
I lost my husband of 48 years to lung cancer about nine months ago.I was in denial for almost 6 months and hospitalized for six weeks in a mental facility .In December I realized that I was going thru grief .I am originally from India and migrated to USA in 1971 . So our family here. Is our two daughters .They are my only support and a handful of friends as my husband was a very private person.I am trying to brake the barriers so I can fit as a new me.My husband was seventy five and I just turned seventy.After reading so many related articales I am on my path of healing but do not know how long it will take. I try to be positive as much as possible , focus on my self try to eat healthy and be cheerful .Finally I am so relived that I am not going crazy in my mind .All the above comments have shed a new light on my thinking that there is light at the end of tunnel and I firmly believe that…….
We lost our son April 7, 2016. It’s almost a year. I am finally talking to people who get it. It doesn’t get easier. I miss him so much so do Hospital dad and sisters but I spent lots of time with him. I keep thinking last year at this time Mike arms I were doing this or that. I do cry and it is the weirdest things that get me. Being in the store and seeing the food he would buy, the Cologne section in a store and recognizing one of his scents. Looking at cars and saying, “Mikey would like this one.”
He was two days shy of turning 32. He had cystic fibrosis and had been hospitalized 5 times from November to February. He had a past drug history and was doing very well. We were all very proud of him. Fences that were broken with family had mended and we had a great time with him.
I am finding that while I may not sit around and mope or cry all the time, I think of him all the time. I have noticed memory loss, lack of concentration, etc. Until I read this website I thought for sure I was getting. Alzheimers. What do you do to get better? He wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time. I have used grief coloring books (I really enjoy them). I decorate his niche for every holiday(it helps me to feel like I am still doing something g for him). Anyone else feel like this? Any tips I would appreciate it.
Thanks for listening and prayers for all.of you.
It has almost been 6 months since losing my daughter, something I am absolutely haunted by. I feel very much at fault and struggle mentally with a replay of finding her dead, sometimes without warning. The memory loss was immediate. That morning I couldn’t remember the details of the night before besides bath time with her. Since then it’s forgetting what I’ve done the previous day or night, forgetting if I have eaten or if I have, what, forgetting times, dates, memories..Its scary and embarrassing, to the outside world I can appear air-headed, confused, drugged. At times I’ve gone into deep concern of early onset Alzheimer’s or dementia, even at the age of 24. I struggle to concentrate, put thought to word, and have gone through change of mood, speech, physical ability. After having periodic episodes of self harm, where I have hit or bumped my head too, I can imagine it has only made things more worse or permanent. Besides that I’ve lost my semi-sound state of mind, my sanity out the door most days, as I’m doing and saying things I don’t mean and ruining relationships over much of this. One of the most important things I’m realizing is that I’ve completely lost myself and that in itself has created another form of grieving within me. Everyone is starting to lose patience with me, especially those who I love and cherish the most; that hurts a lot but what they don’t realize is how much I’ve lost patience with myself and understand their feelings and actions towards me similarly.
Hi dear Marcy,
I lost my 18yr old son in a motorcycle accident July of 2017 and feel guilt a lot. I want to talk with you because a lot of what you’d written sounds the most like my situation as well but I’d like to know if you still read or comment here first. Please let me know if you’re still here?
Thank you 🙏 Natalie.
I’m an art student studying illustration online at the graduate level. The semester began, as usual. Within a week of the start of the semester, my brother departed. We are close in age (I said “are”. I meant “were”) within days apart. In fact, we’d be twins every year for three days. He was my “Irish Twin” as some call it. We were in the same grade, graduated in the same class, and had all of our birthday ice cream and cakes together. Never once was it any other way. We were raised like twins. When I got the news in February, I couldn’t think. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t sleep, eat, etc. Eventually, I was able to sleep and eat to some degree. But I noticed immediately that my ability to focus on producing art, to draw, to do anything creative like that was completely gone. I have not been able to produce anything worth anything this entire semester, and my instructor is “fussing” at me for not producing. I wasn’t sure why this was happening and began to wonder if it’s a part of the grieving process even though I don’t always feel like I’m grieving. Just asking the usual questions. But as I’m finding out, as this is the first significant loss I’ve experienced, that no matter what, your body is going to go through the grieving process, no matter how much you try and block it out. Reading this writing has reassured me that what I’m experiencing, the inability to focus on anything, including art making, is a normal thing and will eventually go away.
Thank you for the article I thought I lost my mind. I just lost my adult daughter and only child. I am just heart broken. This is exactly me.
It’s been a bad year I lost my mother in January I lost my son he was murdered. And my nephew on the same day… in December. And now I’m facing a trial… and my daughter wants to get married. This has put a lot of stress on me. She wants to get married in July and the trial it’s in August… she just doesn’t get it! Or maybe it’s me I’m checking out.
I so needed to read this. My brother died 10 months ago and I feel as though I have lost my mind a hundred times over. He drowned while scuba diving. I think he committed suicide. He tried twice before this. We were best friends, Irish twins only 13 months apart. I miss him so much and not knowing for sure what happened to him kills me over and over. I lose everything keys, phone, papers. It’s horrible. I will wake up from taking a nap and don’t even know what day it is. Sibling loss is a very unique loss I think.i have been with this person for 55 years. How do you survive this pain and confusion? My heart is broken. Hard for people around you to understand.
I came into this nightmare without warning, without a plan, far away from home and hysterically trying to get back. I walked through the first bit like a zombie. I loved passionately and was passionately loved back by my husband of 42 years. There is not any aspect of my life that didn’t involve Don. From 19 yrs old on he held my hand and we talked our way through life and its difficulties. Together always together eat, sleep,laugh,love, live always together. Besides the deep pit of anguish within me I am finding I have no idea who I am without him. Most days I do things because I always have yet other times I’m at a loss as to wether I even liked things or just did them because I loved his response. Either way my struggle is looking in the mirror and wondering who the heck is looking back and me. People are short with me and say I must just “get on with it” . What a completely stupid, cruel thing to expect. I find that if someone doesn’t have something nice or encouraging to say I just walk away or hang up. The lack of discomfort the other person is in makes me feel frustrated and sad because I believe I am well worth their consideration. I am deeply wounded and wonder why everyone is so quick to dismiss my feelings. My husband never would have! And I think that’s the crux of it I miss him terribly and need to talk to him about everything going on in and around me and I Can’t and that makes me very sad and lonely.
I’m glad I read this. I’ve been worrying that I may have early dementia, but this has quietened my fears a little. I lost my mother in 2o14. She was my closest friend and ally. I often say to people that I literally felt something snap in my mind and since then I’ve felt like all of my filing cabinets in my head have been disorganised or wiped completely. My memory hadn’t been right ever since and I now have to live by calendar alerts on my phone to make sure I don’t forget things. It’s actually terrifying as I’m in my 30s. I don’t know if my cognitive ability will ever be restored and my concentration for books is lost despite having been an avid reader.
Thank you everyone for your story’s.
My dad died 8 months ago at 94 and yes it was a good age,as people say,but I still miss him so much,
My mum died when I was 7 and my sister was 5 from Hodgkinsons Disease and was in and out of hospital for much of my life,so dad became mum and dad and did a great job.
Lately I’ve started to feel like the crazy cat lady and I don’t have animals.and thought I was losing my mind as I’m 63, or starting to mentally disintergrate,but now I understand it’s part of grief,depression,just part of the cycle and I have’t told anyone else only you.
My love to you all.
I lost my husband last December 15, 2016 and my only child on April 26, 2017. I feel like I will never be whole again. I feel like the whole in my heart will never close. I was caregiver for both of them as they were both at home in hospice. If I didn’t have my job to go to everyday I would be in a looney bin/rubber room. I can’t remember where I put things, don’t eat the way I should and find no joy in the things I used to enjoy doing. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t cry. You expect to lose a spouse at some point, but losing a child is just wrong, no matter what age (0-90).
Hello Debbie,
I am sorry for the loss of your dear Husband and Son. I too have lost my dear son and only child in 1989 and last year on July 22/17 I lost my dear husband. I am now alone
as I have no family except for some cousins who don’t live near me and who I seldom hear from. Take care of yourself . I am thinking of you and others on this web-site who are experiencing the losses of loved ones.
This article was amazing. I lost my husband of 30 years a year ago. I was reading books,managing his care and meds. Now I am trying to go back to school so I can support myself and kids and I can’t read a sentence in my text book. I have to reread it and the info still doesn’t stick. Not sure if this is a waste of time. I can’t remember anything. It’s very frustrating.
On February 21, 2013 I lost my wife due to complications of a brain stem stroke she was 32 years old. That year I had turned 41 years old. We were two peas in a pod. We knew what each other was thinking and how we felt without asking. We were sole mates who loved each other more than life itself.
After her passing I went from provider to servivor. Something clicked in me. My daughter and have have been scrapping to get by. Although we never made lots of money we as a family were secure and stable. I worked 50 plus hours a week. We went on family vacations. My wife kept a clean and organized life and house for us. All that stopped. Now I can’t seem to find a job that satisfies me. I work part time at most. Just enough to pay the bills and put food on the table. I have the thought to do more for us but I can’t seem to make thing happen. I’m not lazy I just feel so lost.
One year ago tomorrow I lost my younger brother, Chris, to suicide. I just don’t have the energy to think about things, make decisions, or be around people. I used to read voraciously, and now I can’t focus for more than a few minutes at a time. I loved to cook and be a housewife, and also babysat my grandkids. I feel like when Chris killed himself that he broke something inside me that will never heal.
This article and all these comments are amazing. My father, husband and both my children were murdered 3 weeks ago. I am trying to talk to people who can understand but no one does. Everyone keeps telling me how I should be feeling and now I don’t even know how I’m still functioning. Totally lost.
Oh Leanne, my heart aches for you. How could anyone tell you how you should be feeling and more than likely you are in shock or at least you were at the time you wrote this. I believe that was how I got through the first 3 weeks after losing my daughter to cancer. I pray God gives you peace and comfort to help you through this most difficult journey and that you are able to find someone to speak with who does understand.
….All that is written is me…It’s 3 yrs in March since I lost my husband…I thought time healed…I seem to be getting worse, miss him more as time is going by…I don’t want to cope on my own…I felt better when he first died, I was on Auto Pilot, my thinking was clearer…Now nearly 3 yrs in and I’m becoming a mess…my brain feels mashed…Every time I go driving, I nearly have an accident..My driving is fine, it’s my judgement…It’s like half my brain has died….he’s always there in the back of my mind..I try hard to concentrate, but least little thing and my mind is off…I’m just praying things change before long because I need to drive where I live…and I want to drive…it’s freedom for me and independence….Reading this post has been a massive help to me, I’m so glad I found it….Good luck to us all…x
I repeat what all the others have said – it is such a relief to know that what I’m experiencing is ‘normal’. As a strong, independent woman who just 10 days ago lost her husband of over 30 years, I though I was coping well, but I’m realising that I do need to take time to come to terms, I can’t just throw myself back into work, I can’t organise everything that needs to be done without help. People around me have to realise that they can’t at the moment rely on me to be like I was. I’m going to learn to accept help, to let someone else hold my hand now that his hand isn’t there.
Hi,
I am so thankful to have come across this blog because of the same issue I am having but I couldn’t find an answer. So glad I am not alone.
My Dad passed (at 89) in April 2017 and my Mom followed (at 92) in August 2017, 4 months to be exact. We are a very closed knit family and I am the youngest. It was so devastating.
I have noticed that I am no longer as sharp as I used to after my parents passing. It seems like I lost my mind and my emotional intelligence. I know I am not dumb but there are situations that I could have handled pretty well but I only realized afterwards that I was different.
I am still moving forward (I think slowly). I got back to my old routine but it’s just my brain that doesn’t function well.
You said something that struck a nerve with me. Emotional intelligence. My wife died almost 3 years ago. I’ll leave our connection at that. But, I’ve described it to friends and family as my emotional state has been reset to something I don’t understand. I’ll leave it at this as I don’t want to type for 10 minutes to no one. If you receive this and would like to chat please respond.
ET
Hey Mike,
I lost my husband to suicide in May of 2017. I came home to find him hanging in our garage. I have a stack of partially read books because I have what I’m calling “grief induced ADD”. My concentration has gotten a tiny bit better but I still find it very hard to sit with anything for longer than 15 minutes. All of my hobbies vanished when Steve died and I can’t drudge up the motivation to do anything anymore. It’s frustrating, infuriating, agonizing, depressing…. You’re not alone by any stretch!
Hi Eric,
I lost my husband in May of 2017. I’ve made a lot on progress in that time…like learning to be okay living by myself or learning to trust making decisions. I began to feel like “hey, I can do this!” And then blammo, out of nowhere I’m now scrutinizing every little thing I do in case I’m making a horrendous mistake. I beat myself up because I want to stay in bed and be cozy instead of getting up to pee in the middle of the night (!?!). My inner dialog is really off and sometimes disturbing. I get it. I’m right there with you.
When I lost my Mum March of 2013 I was 33. It was Easter Sunday. Being that it was sudden and so unexpected, I didn’t have a clue how tough things would actually be. I felt like I had lost a huge part of myself. Like I had a hole in my heart. I knew I’d never be the same happy girl I always used to be. But, I was there for my Dad, as he was devastated over this and that’s what I felt was right. I had to be his strength. Three years went by and I will tell you it was extremely difficult. I had a hard time grieving for myself as he was my priority. Until Mother’s Day May 2016, I found my dad had died in his chair of a massive stoke. The events that unfolded that day, are a constant in my head. At that point I remember almost nothing for weeks after. All I see is black when I try to remember anything after that day. I was never the same, I as a person was a multi tasked, strong willed, with an I can do anything attitude. All gone. As I was trying to cope and raise my children, about a year and a half later I felt that things were starting to come back, I was healing. On Nov 2017 I got the next dreaded call that my sister had just died, that was the end of my healing and progress. I am 38 now and I am left with a sense of loss and grief that I do not know how to get over and don’t really see the light. I have no idea how to go on… I am grief stricken and hurting with no sense or normality anymore.
I lost my son to suicide Oct 3 2016. He suffered from depression and mental illness. He was my purpose for living. He was 31 when he died but he was and will always be my baby. On January 21 of 5his yr I lost my husband to complications of the flu. The other day while at the store I couldn’t remember my pin for my debit card, I was so embarrassed and I was afraid that the people behind me were thinking that i was senile. Losing my husband brought back all the emotions and feelings that i went through during the loss of my son on top of having to deal with the loss of my husband.
I lost my husband of 47 years Jan.2 from cancer. I love him so much and always will. It was hard to see him suffer and hard to care for him. But I would do anything for him.
I feel so lost. I do not have a support system other then my son and his wife who are suffering from it so much. People have disappeared. One said to me,”You know a lot of people don’t get 47 years like you did ”. Like that was supposed to make me feel better? I wanted 47 more. My heart hurts fom losing him. I think of the things we used to do, the places we would go, the talks we had. I go by places we used to go and my eyes fill with tears knowing we will never have those precious times together again. No helping each other through health scares, no helping me walk as I have trouble walking. His strong hand helping me up, watching for things that could make me trip.
Now, I have trouble with our 40 year old son who feels he must run my life. He means well but he argues with me over EVERYTHING. I know he is just being protective but I am capable and of sound mind. He sleeps all day and is up all night, can’t keep a job but has never ever stolen from me.
All this is adding to my stress. He loved his Father so much. It was just devastating to lose him.
I feel like I’m losing my mind. I wanted to be the one to go first. I think my husband could have handled my death better I am handling his. He and my son would have been so supportive of each other. They were best friends too.
I have God and Jesus. I have a nice bereavement counselor from the hospice but he can only see family members every two weeks.
I’m jus so sad.
I lost my sister 1 year ago last Valentines Day, she was only 36. She was the youngest of 5 and full of life. It was tragic and sudden. I remember that morning so clearly when I got the phone call and every morning as I get into my car, I think of her, I think of that morning when I walked into the her ICU room and saw her, I feel the dagger piercing my heart, over and over, every morning. Her brain hemorrhaged for no reason according to the autopsy. I still don’t understand. I miss her like crazy. My mind has been in a state of fog, I can’t seem to shake it off and I’m tired of feeling this way and I AM SCARED!
Oh bella Im the same…lost my beautiful younger sister 37 in a sudden tragic accident just a couple of months ago. She was mother to a georgous 4 and 2 year old…. our hearts are just so broken. Im a mess….. !! She was my soul mate and best friend. How can a beautiful 4year old and 2 year old be left without their mother!! xxx
“Memory loss, confusion, an inability to concentrate or focus – these things are all normal inside grief. They do tend to be temporary, but they last a lot longer than you would think.” – These two sentences have become my middle name. It interesting that this article was posted about the same time I lost my wife to stage IV breast cancer. For two years before that I struggled with the knowledge that I was going to lose her within two years. Im devastated, totally wiped out, and, so hurt that no one seems to understand my suffering. Writing. Keeping a journal has been the one thing that has helped me keep a bit of my sanity. I write about everything that crosses my mind, and everything that crosses my mind has to do with my wife and God.
Steve
Truly sorry to hear about the loss of your wife to cancer.
I lost my sweetheart my husband of 28 years last July and I feel like I can’t breathe. I hate every day that I wake up. I still can’t function normally. I can’t remember the day of the week or month of the year. I get lost driving to the grocery store. I hate the grocery store by the way. I see everything that I would buy for my husband.
I feel like a zombie. The only way I’m able to get through a day is by having a daily routine. My routine for the most part is the same every day. I work like a robot. I have no emotion or enthusiasm for anything. I no longer think about the future. I don’t even think about the current day. I’ve been to counselors and group counseling, however, I don’t believe anyone could actually understand our feelings. I was still deeply in love with my husband when I lost him and he was still very much in love with me. I was blessed to be married to such a wonderful man. Now life seems to have no purpose. I have opted out of life. All I know is I need to get thru everyday until the good Lord sees fit to take me. Prior to my husband becoming ill, I was a master planner and I managed two manufacturing facilities. I was a workaholic. Now I can barely manage to tie my own shoes. I can’t remember anything and everything is a blur. When we were told about my husband’s cancer, I left my job.
I was not about to miss even one second. I knew I would be traumatized, but I had no clue as to the extent. The love of my life passed away in my arms at 10:00 AM July 11. I remember all of the pain and all the suffering he endured and I relive it on a regular basis.
This keeps me in constant stress and anxiety. So, the thought of ever having a job that actually pays the bills, seems impossible. I struggle to be around people. I have even shut out my own family. My family and friends cannot understand my pain. They have nothing to compare it to and they just want to see that I’m OK again. So that’s what I show them when I need to which is very seldom. What I have noticed is, people have a difficult time being around someone who is sad or heartbroken or grieving. Losing my husband and caring for him at home has changed me in such a profound way. I know longer know who I am or what I’m doing. I feel like I have lost all sense of reality. I have lost myself when I lost the love of my life.
I have traded in my business suits for sweatpants and sneakers. I worry about keeping a roof over my head but even that isn’t enough to motivate me to do whatever I need to do. Everything feels so complicated now or exhausting. Even the simplest task of sorting through my mail.
I still scream and I have broken just about everything in our home. I had no idea that pain like this existed.
God is my strength and the only reason I manage to get out of bed.
God bless all of you. You are not alone and you are not crazy. You are suffering the loss of someone you loved deeply.
*Pray a lot. God is listening and he is with you.
*keep toxic people out of your life
*Be patient and kind to yourself.
*cry a lot. Put on your sneakers and go for a run.
*Buy a bottle or a few of your favorite wine. It helps with sleep.
I lost the love of my life- my husband, 2 months back. He died tragically in a car accident & i went to the spot to see him but couldn’t believe it..I still cannot. It took me a whole day to just shed a drop of tear. Ever since..I feel very empty..im unable to recall anything about him..I feel very guilty then..after having lived with him for 13 loving years I can’t even recall his voice. Its like something is preventing me from thinking about him. Im going mad feeling like this.
I think this is going on with me. I had excellent memory and now it feels like I am trying to overload everything. I love my mom in 2008<-I found her. I honestly haven't felt the same. Sometimes I feel like ending it…just leaving this damn world. I am trying to be strong but it still stings. When my mother died, I feel like half my soul was pulled out of my chest. I miss her voice, her smile and her being. It cannot be replaced. And the thought of losing my wonderful grandparents causes my heart to pause. I probably won't survive that one…
I lost my 26 yr old daughter suddenly in 2012. I had other tragic losses at the same time and here it is 2018 and I still think it was Just last year. Time passes fast, memory suffers (short term moreso), loss of self worth, and so alone. Most family don’t understand what I feel every day and their attitudes hurt but to read this helps me know although I’ve lost everything since her death, much of what I feel inside is normal and I should not give up on life. Thanks.
I lost my husband of 37 years 9 months ago. I found a Griefshare group at a local church that has been my only lifeline stepping through each day. I googled “can grief cause you to loose your memory”? and this link came up. This loss has been the most devastating thing to ever happen to me. I am still having random days where I just cant deal with the day and stay in bed, when the tears are endless- the loneliness so deeply painful… If not for the new friends I have made who are all walking the same path – I can’t imagine how I would be doing. I am learning there is no timeline for grief. I would certainly like for my memory to come back for a visit more often haha. It does make me feel like I am going crazy when I cannot remember the smallest things and life seems too much to bare. I suppose if we had not loved so deeply we would not be so wounded. Blessings to all of you on this journey.
This year will be the 10 year anniversary of my husbands death in a horrifying motorcycle accident. He was only 36. I am 13 years older than he. I am still in what feels like ‘only yesterdays’ grief. I went back to work 2 months after he died but eventually I had to quit my job (I was teaching and came to a point where I could not remember students names, questions asked, assignments given, even the theories I studied in school), I had to sell our sweet house (too many memories, needed the money) am now on disability, have been to years and years of counseling, medications (I have severe depression and anxiety), can’t read a book, etc. etc..
I have no one to talk to who has any understanding. My family can not handle my grief anymore and I find they are angry with me. It’s too much.
How grateful I am to have stumbled onto this site. All things mentioned is the ‘me’ I’ve become – and I don’t even know her, nor do I like her. My dear husband ‘went on ahead’ Way Too Early on New Year’s Day 2017. It was a new year for sure, but we had hoped it would be a better year. A rare disease (sarcoidosis) took him. As fibrosis in his lung gradually hardened, I basically watched him slowly suffocate within a few months’ time. The secure and loved ‘we’ became ‘me.’ Can anyone relate to the question, “Did you ever think your future is behind you?” Scared, sad, lonely, unsure. The confidence, drive and direction I had vanished. I couldn’t claw my way from the abyss of what I thought was self-pity. Who wants to be with me like that? I didn’t want to be with me either! Gradually, I would have some better and then ‘good’ days – only to have sadness, tears, hopelessness, etc suddenly ambush and take me down. I thought it was early dementia. I couldn’t remember Anything! I should be fit the number of times I ran back upstairs for what I forgot (if I remembered I forgot something). Or, I would be headed somewhere for something majorly important, and couldn’t find keys or paperwork. I should buy stock in Post-Its! They sometimes helped. Many thanks to all that shared, and to the writer for revealing griefs’ toll on body, mind and spirit and not on the ‘stages of grief’ which isn’t helpful at all. Thank you.
I lost my Dad a year and a little over a half ago. For me it’s not real! I don’t like to go to my parents, because the chair he sat in, all shriveled and weak is there. The blanket he used to keep him warm is on the chair. I found myself getting upset when one of my kids left it a mess. His passing was UGLY, it was brutal! I leave hateful messages on the website of the hospital, because I believe they are at fault. When I hear a helicopter I feel the anxiety start to grow, and I want to vomit. So with all this I know my pain, I know how I feel because he is gone, but what adds to this is watching my Mom. Although she is doing what she can, and has learned how to do those things he had done for her, she is not the same! There is no light left in her eyes, she fakes it, in my opinion. My youngest son spend 99%of his time at her house which helps her go on to the next day, keeps her mind occupied. I read all these posts, and feel like being more mad. Ones loss is no more deapee than another, a loss is a loss. I’ve lost babies, a best friend, grandparents, and now a parent and life just feel empty and pointless. I hate seeing my Mom suffer, I hate seeing her doubt herself, I hate seeing her sit alone to eat, I hate seeing her,,,,, ALONE, so when you loose someone, you don’t just loose them you loose a ton of things. In a sense you loose their spouse, my Mom, you loose faith, companionship, love, loyalty,,,, and pieces of yourself. It won’t get better. It just becomes another day. The stages of grieving become expected, “ what stage will I be in today?” God only knows. Then with all this, as the baby of the family, you wonder am I even allowed to have such intense grief? I only had him 47 years, my Mom had him almost 57 years. So I can’t even fathom her pain, her emptiness, her confusion, her despair, her anger, her heartbreak! The only thing I can do is listen.
After losing the one person who loved me UNCONDITIONALLY, I was unable to function. As a private caregiver, I was told that I was committing emotional elder abuse. I was threatened legally, and by family members who were estranged, to say the least.
As a result, I was barred with a restraining order and couldn’t fulfill my promise to be with him at the end. The distant family members snd lawyer and fiduciary trustee made arrangements at the end. None of which followed the wishes he dictated to me.
I became nonfunctional, not able to forgive myself for having the balls to tell his legal team to F- off!…
eventually living in my car. I was able to talk my way into seeing a homeless counselor, who diagnosed me as having Complicated Greif. The most helpful thing she said was: Sometimes you never get over it.
I still talk to him every day. I dream of him regularly. I pray and meditate but you know, I am only partially here.
It’s recently occurred to me that I need to become a different person. SUICIDE, yes, but not in killing the body but in becoming someone different and new. Killing that self that was me when I was with him. Recreating myself. Someone who has coping mechanisms for dealing with this kind of loss. He wanted me to love again and called me a free spirit.
It’s been two years now and I can hear a faint voice calling from far away, to come back.
I lost my husband of 42 years of a massive heart attack on Father’s Day 2018. I went to get my clothes for work and there he was lying in the floor already gone. I can’t think straight or remember anything I think all the prayers have worked and I’m making it and then the next thing I know I’m having a hard time again. Also does anyone else feel like me. I feel like it didn’t happen like it’s not real
my husband died june 11 2018 from a massive heartattack.One min he was with me.Next he was gone.I am so sorry about your loss.AND EVERYONES HERE.I understand this pain. Everyone thinks you need to be whole again. But when you love someone and their gone its hard. I no longer smile anymore.Their really isnt nothing to smile about. Oh yes you push forward.But it never brings your love back. I tell people if i want to cry.Iam going to cry. Their not the ones never hearing a phone call again. are hearing i love you.So if i want to cry im going to cry. Unless someone goes throw this pain.They dont understand. I am trying so hard to get threw this. One day i was a wife animal rescuer had a home.Ad in a few weeks everything is gone. I feel like i am in a dream.The pain is so sad. Everyone takes time to grief.And we go threw it on our time. I cant even tell you when i went to get some food.I went to get him something.Then went to pick something up for my animals .I stood in store.Then it really hit me. They were all gone.And they were not
comeing back.No matter what i did.Talk about pain. In a matter off minutes your world gets turn from you. You want to give up. But you need to keep trying.But its heartbreaking. And if someone tells you different .Tell them to walk in my shoes.This is not something that just goes away.This is something that takes time. But you will never forgrt
Absolutely, I feel the same way! My son Larry, jr. passed suddenly on Jan. 6th, 2018
It is the most aweful feeling in the whole world. I feel like it’s not real and that one day I will wake up and it will be a bad dream! My daughter and her husband just had a baby girls almost 3 weeks ago. But Larry had a heart of gold! Always wanting to help others! He would give you the shirt off his back! He was only 34 years old! Feel free to stay in touch with me!
(june@nanradio.com) or (thorntonjuen46@yahoo.com)
my parents died 5 months and 7 days apart. just 2 years ago.
it was completely, absolutely unexpected. I’m an only child in my 40’s
i can’t take the pain and heartache.
numb,crazy, lost, memory, speech, hearing etc all in a blocked daze….. it’s created sickness in my body…
why alone.
why no help.
my parents gave and gave and gave to others but not one soul has reached out to me….
hurts
I care, I loss my son on January 6th, 2018 all of a sudden, he was 34 years young. His name is Larry, Jr. I know how it feels to lose someone you love so much that you would give your own life to bring them back! It’s the worst feeling in the world! I hate it so much. My heart is so broken that I had to go to the emergency room because my heart was literally aching! The Dr. told me I was suffering from a broken heart syndrome! Feel free to e-mail me anytime so that we can support one another!
(june@nanradio.com) or (thorntonjune46@yahoo.com) I’m June, in Maryland
Grief comes for many reasons so I have found out. I lost myself when I was 5 yrs old and the sexual abuse started. I muddled through, trying too hard to be normal all the while feeling like a failure. At 35 I finely broke and stayed in a mental health facility for a long weekend while allowing my family to digest the news of why I was there. I would think most people in my situation have the option to hate their offender, I didn’t. My family , without saying so, looked to me to put this aside so we could remain a “normal family”. So once again, everyone’s happiness hinged on me. 13 yrs ago, my youngest daughter became a crack cocaine addict which forced me to raise my grandson. She stole every piece of jewelry I ever owned and lied to me for years. She is now a recovering addict. 5 yrs ago my oldest daughter wrote me out of her life because she decided I wasn’t a good enough mother to her when she was young. She has now alienated the entire family and we all believe she has a severe personality disorder but refuses help. My marriage will never recover, to many harsh words, to much stress. My boss leaves me to run an office alone that should be run by 3 people. I can never say no to anyone or put myself first due to the guild it brings me. I feel like my mind is shutting down, no matter how hard I’ve tried to make everyone else’s life better, mine remains a nightmare.
My mother recently passed away. The funeral was a week ago. My sister and I both have problems keeping the days straight. I feel like I’m drowning in time. The only thing I can do consistently is cry. Thanks for this post. We don’t talk about or allow room for all the manifestations of grief. While I am sorry for the commenters pain, I’m glad so many have shared their experiences.
I’ve had this article bookmarked for a year now, and come back to it when I need it the most. One of my best friends killed himself in October of 2016. Before his death, I was a sharp student, I was quicker with words, my spelling was perfect, my vocabulary was wider. It was easy to answer “How are you” without a struggle. Since he died, my memory loss has been a source of shame for me. I’m in college now, and one of my fears has been feeling everyday that feeling “I used to know this” or “I would’ve been able to understand this before.” I’ve even joked about it with friends before explaining to them the reason for my forgetfulness, but it’s nothing to laugh about. Its caused a lot of pain for me.
It will be 9 months tomoro that my step dad passed away unexpectedly.. After his passing I chose to become this pushy descion maker and probably damaged how my closest of family members view me… after the funeral I became somewhat robotic… I woke up, went to work, left, and then laid in the dark on the couch until the next day… This past year is like a complete blur… I feel like I lost a part of my soul the day he died… I just don’t feel the same menatally anymore. I got married 3 months after he passed and what would it should’ve been the most special time in my life wasn’t.. The normal things brides do before their wedding and the excitement they feel wasn’t there… it sucks to have felt this way… my mom has taken this the worst and instead of being sweet and supportive I’ve been mad towards her and mean… I don’t know why I have been like this. I feel like my family dynamic has fallen apart and last week my nephew had his first bday at my mom and step dads and it was painful being there knowing he wasn’t walking out to greet me or there being his funny self.. no more hugs, no more rooting me on, no more talks.. I find myself talking to him nightly mentally thinking he may respond… only he doesn’t and won’t! No one in my circle of people gets it either.. so was allowed 2 weeks to feel sad and now it’s over kill! I can’t even remember the first 2 months after he died. I hate not having him around. He was my best friend and he raised me. I love him so much and wish I didn’t join this club who lost someone this dynamic to the heart..this year sucked a big one. I’m not sure I will ever be the same
My name is June Thornton, my sons funeral was January 6th, 2018! I initially thought I was having a heart attack. My heart literally ached for weeks during the planning of his funeral. Then I felt like I wanted and wished that I could go with my son! I didn’t want to commit suicide or anything but I just rather be with him. I am usually a happy up beat person! I am a former Flight Attendant and fitness expert. I am a baby boomer age group but I love to work out! Now I only work my full time job which in in radio and I have wonderful granddaughters and a new baby granddaughter -2 weeks old by the daughter and her husband! This year 2018 has been the most difficult year for me ever in my entire life!!! I hope to hear from other people you have loss someone close to them and let them know that I am here for them and it is important for us to talk with one another and keep each other lifted up!
Please e-mail me at either (june@nanradio.com) or thorntonjune46@yahoo.com
Let’s help each other during this difficult journey that we are goin through. We never get over it – we just learn to deal with it a little better each day! Luv, June in Maryland.
Five years ago just a few months before I got married my Dad died after three years of medical problems and dementia. I was one of his caretakers. I moved from Texas where I had lived my entire life to Idaho to marry and become a stepmom. In the past five years I’ve lost my Aunt Nancy ( she was more like my grandma. I adored her and felt so adrift when she died.) I have also lost my mom’s sister Sarah. When she passed away that left my mom as the only one left in her family. My dad’s sister Sarah ( confusing I know ) also passed away leaving me with only my Uncle Marvin who is not doing well on my Dad’s side. My husband’s grandpa who I was really close to died last year. His grandma three years ago. I have been pregnant six times in five years with two surviving kids. 2014 I had my daughter and then my first miscarriage ( it started on Thanks giving). My son was born in 2015 and I had a hypertensive crisis that nearly took my life and heavily contributed to horrible post partum depression and anxiety. My second miscarriage was July 2016 ,a missed miscarriage found via ultrasound at 9 weeks. We then tried to conceive for 10 months. We saw a healthy heartbeat with that baby at six weeks but went in at 11 weeks and found the baby had died. We found out through testing that it was a little boy with trisomy 15, a random chromosomal issue incompatible with life. I was struggling with PTSD from abuse earlier in my life and didn’t want to try for another baby because emotionally I knew I couldn’t handle another loss. Last month I found out I was eight weeks pregnant with a surprise pregnancy and had just started wrapping my mind around it when I started vomiting and having uncontrollable pain. I ended up nearly dying because it was an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and I had a great deal of internal bleeding.
This last loss I am experiencing memory loss and confusion. I feel like I’m walking through thick fog all the time. I feel pressured to function because of my bio and bonus kids but am just paralyzed by my grief. I have had a lot of pressure from family and friends to “get over” these miscarriages and my grief for my family. I know now I have just been trying to ignore and push down my grief and it has just exploded,all of it.
I am so saddened to hear all your painful stories of loss and yet grateful that you have all shared. I lost my father March 10th, 2018 and my sister on August 18th. My father was 83 years old. My sister died of breast cancer at 52 years. We were very close, speaking or messaging each other almost every day, at least on the days she had enough energy to respond. The grief process and symptoms turned out differently after my sister died. More severe and more symptoms. I feel like nothing is enjoyable anymore. I cannot appreciate the beauty of much or feel excited about anything. I’ve had some ‘good’ days where I can muster a smile here and there but I feel like I am getting worse. I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I have bad anxiety and panic attacks. I literally feel like I am going insane or a nervous breakdown is imminent. My other family members seem to be going through this as well and we are all in our separate corners trying to cope. May our hearts heal and our minds accept and adjust to our new realities. As excruciating as it is, I truly believe our loved ones want us to find peace and live out our lives with some enjoyment. It is easy for me to say and harder to do but I think we owe it to them to live, to really live since they no longer can. Before she died, my sister told me not to stay sad for too long and to cherish every day I have. Thank you all again for sharing your stories. I am grateful to be able to share with you. I feel less alone.
My sister died on the 3rd of sep 18.
I feel like I’m going mad. I stopped functioning for the first 2 weeks and later on the settee.
I tried to kill my self but obviously it didn’t work.
My relationship is disintegrating as I’m so unpredictable. I’m different every day. I feel like a shell. I look like me but all my inside has changed. I don’t feel like me anymore
I lost my son to suicide March 2018 and still have memory loss and bad confusion. I was afraid that I was getting Dementia because I am 72 years old. The grief still comes in big waves but not as often, I feel that I may be doing better but did not realize how hard this would be. Hope I am normal because I really do feel crazy.
I miss my dear friend, I love him and I don’t know how my life will continue without him. 10 weeks ago we were texting, we’d hugged goodbye earlier in the day, and then he died. He was so young and I cannot accept it. When I lost my dad I went through a process and now I can remember him with warmth and love. My friend was too young, he was the sunshine in my life, he was unconditionally kind. My grief is like a guilty, heavy and painful cape that I wear all the time. I can’t smile, I only feel dread and fear and regrets. I feel comfort from imagining crawling in with him and burning. I can’t believe he’s ash.
I’m going to echo the overwhelming sentiment here which is I am SO grateful to have read this wonderfully lengthy and oh so important blog! I’m a year and a half out from my husband’s suicide, the details being I came home to find him hanging my our garage.
I did really well for the first year, realizing now that I was in shock all that time. A month past his death-iversary, I nearly severed off the tip of my finger, both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain died by hanging, and I began to imagine that my house was burning down when I left the house. In other words, I cracked. I got back into therapy and belong to a support group for widows. Earlier this month, I realized that things have somewhat returned to “normal” meaning that I’ve adjusted to going out alone. I don’t feel weird or enormously out of place if I’m with another couple. Things are not only less foreign, my life doesn’t feel foreign anymore. Hey, I’m doing this!!!
Yeah right. Out of nowhere, my attention span took another very noticeable hit. Like others, I thought I was having dementia. My already short attention span got even shorter and has really freaked me out. My inner dialog has turned dark and almost cruel towards myself. I thought that I had going through the worst of it, but the grief and the PTSD just keeps popping up like a freaking Whack-A Mole game. I am so grateful that I was directed to this website and found this particular thread!! We are all very wounded people who are trying to make sense of something that took our breath away and threw us into a horrible alternate reality. I think the most helped theme that I’ve read here is that grieving has no timeline.
Hi everyone, my name is Zack Dias, Im 24 and my 56 y/o mother passed away suddenly on April 11, 2018…
She meant the world to me, I was a “momma’s boy”. She stopped working after me and my sister were born so that she could raise us Herself. She was the kindest person I ever knew and always knew what to say to make me feel better. She was disabled so she was always home, and was always there for me to talk to her.
I have chronic migraines which stole my life away at 19… So it was great to always have someone to talk to, she always made me feel better.
When she died I lost my mind for a while… I drank everyday for a few weeks, as the heartache was too much and I didn’t want to believe what had happened. During that time I ruined my career, and lost alot of my friends. Once I stopped drinking I was still out of control, spending money I didnt have, and ruining all the relationships I had. It wasn’t until August when all my money was gone that I got “in control” and stopped “being wild”. Also, my grandma died in June so that didn’t help anything…
So now it’s January of 2019 and all I’ve managed to accomplish since my mother’s death is taking 2 courses last semester…
I was on track to take two more courses but I got a fancy car I couldn’t afford in June and attracted unwanted attention and might be losing my license due to my (newly) bad driving record. And I totalled that car in December…
Im really messed up, and wish I could get out of this hole I’m in… I feel like I’ll never get out of it.
I have been doing the absolute bare minimum with everything in my life lately… I haven’t been feeding myself correctly, barely at all, I’ve been sleeping 12hrs a day, avoiding everyone… I’m so depressed and I can barely fight it…
Everything I had worked for including $10,000 in equity in a car, $10,000 in my trading account, (Im a trader, or was at least), a good credit score, and a lot of friends are all gone.
And yes they were all mostly good friends, I just was really terrible to them for too long… I suppose some of them should have forgiven me though :/. Now I just dont even try to socialize or go out…
I’m so miserable it’s disgusting, i think slower, im getting weaker, i cant remember words, i can barely hold a conversation, it’s like part of my brain has completely turned off…
I honestly don’t want to live this life anymore, Ive lost all hope, but I know I have to keep on going.
I just dont even feel like me anymore, i used to be smarter, faster, more ambitious, and more hopeful about the future… Now I can’t see myself accomplishing anything.
I dont feel like myself anymore, I feel like part of me has died…
My father is disabled and in chronic pain and Im not sure how much time he has left either… It breaks my heart
Ive been staying at home going to college and helping them out for years, and then this happened and wrecked my world…
I wish I could be whole again, I miss the man that I used to be, he had so much more life and vigor.
I’m sorry for such a long post venting, but I guess I just needed to get it out to people who understand…
And I am so sorry to everyone here who has lost someone close to them… It’s the worst pain imaginable and I wouldn’t wish it upon anybody
I recently bought It’s Okay that You’re Not Okay. I am about halfway through the book. This is not my first purchase of a book on grieving as this is not my first journey down that rough, bumpy, lonely road. My only sibling, my sister, died suddenly & unexpectedly in December/2005. My father died in September/2008 after two different operations & the start of dialysis. A dear friend I had known for 32 yrs. died in May/2015. My 102 yr. old Grandma died in August/2017. My Mom died in September/2017 after a diagnosis of Acute Myeloid Leukemia in March/2017. I do know it’s okay to not be okay. I can relate to much of what is in the book. All of my losses are similar in some ways & different in others because they have been different people & each one was their own special relationship. I miss all of my loved ones VERY much. My Mom’s death is very fresh yet (& Grandma’s) & difficult due to the memories of watching her fight & suffer & disappear in front of me. Time went by SO fast & she was so strong, but she did not have a chance. It is AGONIZING to watch a loved one suffer & die & there was nothing I could do to change it. I would not wish that experience on anyone. We all will face death in one way or another, though, as that is a part of life. I attended a grief workshop before the holidays. I am not a ‘joiner’ or one to attend things. I like to be on my own & I am used to that. It was good, however, to be w/people who listened & did not judge & did not try to compare ‘sorrows’. My children & husband rarely mention my Mom even though she was loved by each. I think about her all the time. One does/can feel as though they are losing their mind due to the severe shock of the death (& the frustration of – even though you know better – wishing you could have fixed it or changed it or done something more) & the continued day by day recognition that nothing will EVER be the same. You have many emotions to deal w/as you navigate trying to find a new ‘normal’. Life does not slow down & the world does not stop for our grief though we wish it would sometimes because our loss & our person deserves to be recognized. They were here & they were dearly loved & they were ours. I appreciated in the book the author saying I am sorry – sorry you need this book – sorry you are here. Even though I do not know her I appreciated that. I am so sorry for her grief as well. I also agree w/acknowledgement being important. We ALL loved. We ALL lost. It is devastating. Acknowledgement of what we are facing/going through is really a gift. I read somewhere once & do not remember who to acknowledge for it is that isn’t it funny how emptiness can feel SO heavy? I hope for those of us who grieve to be able one day to find a place where we have some peace of mind.
I just came across this site and article today, and it has really helped me feel some level of comfort in the discomfort I have experienced since dealing with the grief after losing my grandma on New Year’s Eve. Most days, I think I am okay, but my judgment has been off, I’ve been extremely forgetful, frustrated, distracted and angry at people (reasonably and unreasonably). There are people I expected to be there and respond to my pain who have been selfishly wrapped up in their own lives – honestly I don’t know what they’ve been doing, and I don’t have the energy to discern what / why they do what they do. It just makes me angry, sad and sometimes despondent. Reading this article also let me know that these feelings are common, real and I am not alone in my grief.
This is some really good information about grief counseling. It is good to know that you should think about how your grief is affecting your body. That does seem like a good thing to be aware of when you are experiencing the loss of a loved one.
I lost my brother on jan 16,2019.. I just don’t know what I am going through. I don’t like or love anyone anymore, not even my kids and husband. I just want to go to my brother. I just want to be with him. He was 30 and was gone all of a sudden. I talked to him 10 min before he left. I just want him. please help me find a way to talk to him. There is so much going on in my mind.
So sorry to hear of losing your brother who was so young. That’s really dreadful. It’s so recent too. I lost my dad a couple of months ago and he was my everything, my whole world. I know how u feel… I felt exactly like u do. I have found that self care and filling your life with distractions have somewhat helped. I lost my best friend 2 weeks before my dad died & never expected that at all. Sorry for all the pain u have now.
Glad to have found this forum since my dad passed away around this past Christmas & he was my best friend & soul mate. I’m not close to anyone in my family especially my mom & feel like I’ve not just lost my father but my whole family as well. I’m married but don’t have any kids & find what’s the point really…. since my social support is so limited but I just continue to go through the motions pretending that everything will be okay cause hope is all you’ve got.
Sorry for all the pain your loved ones have caused in the hearts of everyone on this forum. I guess if we can connect with each other here, it’s a blessing & hope that with time, it will get better.
I find that if I distract myself with passions of mine, my mind goes less to those awful places of emptiness without the support of my beautiful father.
Lost my sweetheart/husband almost 5 years ago, also had terrible accident breaking
12 bones and puncturing a lung a couple of months before his death. Have slowly
been crawling out of the deep pit. Sleeplessness, memory difficulties, lack of focus,
depression, as well as physical limitations have kept me in a mess without much hope. He insisted I continue physical therapy even while he was hospitalized.
He was my rock. For a long time year or more just getting out of bed was nearly
impossible. I began studying music and a new instrument which gave me something to look forward to doing. Everything was challenging but this seemed
to lift me up and help me forget my misery if only briefly. I have finally after 5 years begun
to enjoy losing myself in a good book again. My main difficulty now is keeping up
with daily chores. Tend to put off doing simple things and therefore things pile up.
Once I get started and complete a small task I feel much better, but getting started
seems overwhelming. How to trick myself into starting constant chores like laundry, dusting, dishes, etc. without struggling with motivation is my main battle now. Any suggestions appreciated.
I ‘ve lost my cousin to cancer, my beloved Chihuahua and now my best friend has terminal cancer. This happen these past six months. This grief is more than i can bare, no sleep, no joy, no memory, no concentrating, feel like a zombie.
March 28, 2019 my brother died tragically. 2 weeks later, April 11, 2019 my mother died of a broken heart.
I’m lost, dont feel well, and I have no ideas of anything. I’m numb.
I’m not into medication, so I’m just sinking into the abyss.
I try to fake it, but it feels so odd.
I feel for each one of you. There’s nothing on earth that can prepare anyone of a spouse/parent/child or sibling passing away. I don’t much care for the phrase “I’m sorry for your loss”, I didn’t loose my husband, I know where he is, he died from leukemia. He was 66, diagnosed in Sept, 2017 and died Feb. 28,2018. One year and 10 months after I found my daddy deceased. I do feel blessed that we had that time to make the plans that he wanted us to carry out after his death. We have a 42 year old son and were married for 44 years, he was my earthly everything. I am totally lost, I can’t think, I can’t remember, I do and say ridiculous things. So, now what????????? I am trying to pick up my pieces of my life but am not doing such a swift job of it. See what I mean, I’m rambling.
My wife died of cancer on April 5, 2019. We were together for 55 years and I’m devastated. We learned of her cancer on Feb 28 and in a few short weeks she was gone. After several hospital stays it became clear there was little that could be done to help her. It was her wish to be at home so our three adult children and I did everything in our power to make her comfortable. We had the help of an excellent hospice team. She was transported home on a Monday and by Thursday even wirh the help of hospice we decided to transport her to a hospice center where the staff had more pain relief options. Within 24 hours she died. Our 3 children and I were with her when she took her last breath. This evening I can’t get that out of my mind. That one moment in our time together is all I can focus on.
I did the math and we had just shy of 29 million seconds together, but its just this one that plays in an endless loop.
I know I should recall all the better times but this one has the greatest impact of any in my entire life.
It’s been 21 days of hell and in that time I’ve read hundreds personal stories and countless pages of advice. Right this moment I can’t see a future without my love and that consumes me.
Just looking to get to the next moment , a moment where my head stop spinning and the whole in my heart and soul stops hemroaging would be welcomed.
I know I’m not alone and not the first or last to feel this way but shelfleshly that doesn’t help.
The words to descibe my sadness are yet to be coined. The sounds of silience, the feeling of loneliness and despair are more than I could ever have imagined. The thought that I’ll never see, hear or touch her is beyounf comprehension.became
The moment I move I feel the overwhelming feeling of unfamiliarity. Something I am deeply longing for, something I know will never be the same. How to go on now in a world that feels so foreign, so alien and yet somehow I manage just barely. I look out my front door to the garden and see how I used to be filled with so much enthusiasm, joy, being out in the sun thinking about what to cook for dinner. Involved in every moment of my life with my dearest one and those close to me, feeling whole and content. Then just like that, all gone. x
It’s now just shy of seven months and with the help of a prescription and a therapist I believe I’m a bit better.
Not sure if time has helped the healing or I’m getting number to the reality. everyday is a challenge – getting out of bed is a victory, going out into the world is a major accomplishment.
We were together for 55 years and had a memorable life together, I wish the ride would have never ended but she was diagnosed with cancer and in 30 days she died.
I selflessly wish she was still her, not her sick self but the girl that gave me her life and love. I know how ill she was and how helpless it was to watch cancer steal what was so beautiful .
I’m a lucky man to heave know her, she made me better that I was.
I go through moments of deep sadness and despair which takes me to some pretty dark thoughts. Staying away from the blackhole is a challenge but it seems I get closer to the edge all to often.
The only way I stay sane is to allow myself to cry and shed the accompanying
tears.
The house is not a home, the walls are deafly silent. I long for love and life. Hope I can find a future that offers some of what the spirit needs to once again thrive.
I miss Mary Jane Quigley every day or to me and those who knew her MJ.
Love you dear.
My sister lost her son on father’s day this year. All she wants to do is talk about him. If anyone changes the subject she is gone. It’s hard because she acts like she don’t want you at her house and if we call or text she never ever responds. And if she does it’s one word. She was like this before. It’s very hard on my family because she has pushed us away but yet we feel horrible she suffers.
I lost my mother 9 months ago, in middle of my masters program. I can definitely say that I have to study a lot more than before to maintain same level. I have no memory at all! I forget what I did previous day. I feel like my IQ point dropped to two digits.
This gave me some comfort, I was just getting over the loss of a friend from two years ago when I found out that another friend had died suddenly when I found out my function tanked. I started having problems at work because I’m making mistakes and forgetting things and my employer is aware and coworkers are aware but they don’t seem to understand I’m just getting frustrated with me. Its like I am in a dream and I can’t remember things. It’s so hard to be at work I even took couple days off but it’s not like you can fix it in a couple of days.
Husband died 2 months ago. I want to burn everything. On fire. Real fire. It’s all I can think about. Rage and Fire. I need a dragon.
RH, I have experienced similar desires and sensations with grief. And sometimes I act on this need for violence, like throwing a pair of prescription glasses (that are not mine) against another glass with a violent force. I need to be pulled over because I take my anger and protest out on my accelerator. I kick my door until the doorknob loosens.
A note: I feel rage and anger almost daily (and I am so sorry for your horrific loss). Anger, rage, fire, the need for a dragon — they are all stored inside your body — sometimes trapped. Doing Yin (a form of yoga) helps us to get inside of the tissue that holds grief. Many forms of yoga address places in our body (our organs, our tissues) that need releasing — particularly anger and grief.
It doesn’t get rid of it — it just helps us cry over it for a little bit.
I hope you will consider yoga, but if not…
Do you mind if I suggest some “other” things? Get a punching bag or join a rigorous class that involves physical exertion. YOUR BODY NEEDS TO GET IT OUT. Please understand: RAGE is a normal response. Physically ousting your rage will give your body and mind a release and some relief. Just working out will not get your body deeply into the tissue that is holding your grief and anger, but it will release some endorphines and generate higher levels of dopamine so that you can punch past your pain (or rage) for a while.
You may need to do something seemingly ridiculous, but maybe you will be smarter than I was:
At the overpowering sudden radiating sensation of rage, I darted outside and did round off back hand springs in the yard without warming up, without having attempted them in 15 years!!!!!! I kept doing them over and over, trying to get the rage out of me, regardless of how “stupid” it looked to others. I even did a round off back flip until I fell on my head.
But I don’t want you to get hurt. (I had back spasms a week later)
Most importantly know: I GET IT! Rage, rage, rage, fire, dragons! It is all REAL and VALID.
I lost my younger brother in 2016. Bad cancer death. My husband had cancer, thought we beat it, then it came back and killed him in the summer of 2018. Three weeks later, his dad died of a head injury after a fall. Two weeks later my big sister died in her sleep from heart failure. There, I am the last one standing. I look around and there is nobody left to cling to and cry with. I have adult children, but they are in shock and don’t know how to cope. Then my son’s best friend dies from pneumonia after the turn of the year, at the age of 29. We must go to work, pay the bills, take care of the little ones. Not go crazy at the same time. That was the pledge my husband and I lived by. Only one of us could “go crazy” at a time. The other would stand by and keep rowing the boat. When I am alone, I cry. In the car, in the shower, in the night. Going on 10 months now. Can’t take the anti-depressants, they make me dull, dizzy, and nauseated. I have to interact with the public, my co-workers, the cashiers and neighbors. I am walking crazy among them all and sometimes they see a glimpse and ask if I am alright. They do not really want an answer.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two groups of people. Those who have suffered the death of a loved one and those that have yet to.
I rather not be a member of the club but those that are know what and how to offer condolences. Those who have yet to experiece persoanl losss don’t have a clue what it’s like to try to go to work try to go out of the house try to get up in the morning or generally just try to get to the next minute.
Those that have an understanding would never wish others to know what it feels like. As the cost of love is the pain that grief extracts from us. Unfortunatley payment is expected in full.
Do what ever you have to the cure is long and complicated process but worth the effort. Find a way to take small step beck- if you need medication be sure you seek the advice of a Doctor – check local hopice or hospitals for help. My advice is doing nothing will equall a prolonged sadness – there are people that are willing, training and reday to help you. People who will not judge you or diminish you as you begin to find a way to cope with the new normall. The words aare not meant to hurt but create a place that defines reality.
Tomorrow is the sixth month since my husband of 50 years and one week died of Stage 4 lung cancer after being diagnosed and dying in 7 weeks. I still feel as if he just passed away in front of me. I feel as if I have no purpose in my life even though I have two grown children and four young grandchildren. Some days I do feel as if I will go crazy as I miss my husband so badly and cannot cope with never seeing him again. I miss him at bedtime the worst after sleeping together for over 50 years.
How are we supposed to go on in this situation? I don’t care if I eat, drink, see people, I just think about joining my husband!! My brain feels as if it is made of cotton batting and I cry at the drop of whatever! I know I will never get over this horrible event in my life and just wish I would go as sometimes happens with couples who have been together a long time.
Any pearls of wisdom would be greatly appreciated as I keep losing weight and am shrinking less each day. Thank you for reading this and if you are suffering through something as traumatic as me I am very sorry for you. I keep having suicidal thoughts but I can’t do that to my family.
Louise sadly our stories parallel each other. My wife and I were togehter 55 years and like you the battle was lost before it even began. I’ve read alot of personal stories and I’m gglad my wife didn’t have to suffer for years like so many did.
I often think that I’d like to have had more time even while she was goimg through her worse times.
Loving a terminally ill spouse is complicated. We know that when their pain ends ours becomes more intense so we try to prolong the inevable. We hope that there will be a reverseal or tommrow will be a beeter day.
We need to find the courage to tell our spouse that we love them and we’ll be OK but its time for yoiu to let go and end you pain. If your lucky you’ll hve the time and strenght to do this. My wife knew she was dying and there was nothing that would change the outcome.
We had some time to talk anout our wonderful past and how we prepared our kids for the futue. We did our work and now its time to pass our dreams to our children.
As you I hurt, I’m lonely and I despair that is I’ve given up hope for the future, what’s the point.
Idon’t have any magic potion or words that will change the past but I know that i nad all that feel the dephts of grief must find a way to cope with the lost of the one person who was that specail person who was our world.
Things will never be the same, only diffeerent. Maybe this was your one and only change at a loving relationship. Maybe time helps to heal.
We now have to be someone we’re not, but learn how to think and act like someone we once were.
Its a scary prospect as we now have to face the future without the one who helped us make decisions, the one we counted on to complete us.
I’ve told myself I can get busy living or go on dying. Dying is an option but you then add to the grief of otheres. Why would you do that, istnt there enoiugh unhappness in the world no reason to add more.
Getting over this is unrealistic, Learning to cope with it is possible. Set small attainable goals and make a real effort to achieve them. This is not easy stuff.
Don’t get disaappointed if you have troubloe achieving even the smallest talsk Work harder the next day.
One day at a time, do things that make you feel OK -avoid things that make you sad.
Stay away from the raabbit hole and don’t walk to cloose to the edge. The deeper you go the futher it is to ck=ome back from.
I allow my self time to cry and be unhappy, you must grieve, before you can begain to cope.
I’ve been told some day the sun will ahine and ther’ll be a reason to smile – look toward that day, Pessimistic approach never solved anything.
You have to want to get better befor you can. You’re not crazy your life has changed and it ell never be what it was. Your sigular mission is to make it better that it is.
You can do this.
Me and my wife were together for 14 years and married for 12. We had trouble having kids and so went through numerous surgeries to try and rectify issues with Ovarian Cysts. We then went through IVF and were so blessed we got pregnant with twins One boy and one girl.
She died 6 weeks ago with the twins on board on a day when I was working at a conference. By the time I arrived at the hospital they were trying to resuscitate her. She was already gone as were our children. My soul feels broken and I can’t focus at all. I am 42 and she was only 33.
I hope with time this can mend but I honestly feel broken beyond repair.
I lost my 92 year old mom and dad 2 years ago. We unusually close, as I never married or had kids and lived with them for the past 12 years as a caregiver, as mom had a stroke and daddy got Alzheimer’s. They died just three months apart. I keep trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps, but I’m just getting so tired as nothing ever changes. I feel dead inside and wonder why God doesn’t take me. I used to do good to help others and have dreams for the future, now I just don’t care. I’d never get out of bed, but I have two small dogs that need attention and walks. No one loves me like mom and dad did or would really care if I died. They were my world. I just have a mean, selfish uncle I have to take care of, or I would move away and out of this house to escape the memories, but then I worry I won’t know who I am and will have a real nervous breakdown. Besides this horrible uncle is 93 and the doctor says due to good health he could live another 10 years! Ugh! I feel like I am trapped in a living nightmare. My sweet parents are gone and I’m left with a monster. I pray often I won’t wake up in the morning, but I’d worry about the dogs. thanks for listening and caring. May God bless you all.
My husband died of a sudden heart attack 4 weeks ago. The pain I feel overwhelms me. I miss him so much it hurts every part of my body and if I think about it too much I know I will lose my mind. I am still not eating or sleeping properly and I don’t care. We have 2 children 17 and 15 years old. They seem to be coping well, a lot better than I am anyway. Family and friends have moved on with their lives and in some ways we have to. I have had to return to work and everyone expects me to be back on the ball and pumping but I can’t focus on anything for too long. I carry his photo with me everywhere and I’m sure they think I am already crazy. I sleep with his photo and kiss it good night and good morning. I talk to his photo and it helps me get through every second of the day. Since he has been gone I have sometimes desired death just so that I can be buried with him. The only thing keeping me going are our children. I lost my Dad 4 years ago suddenly to heart attack and then my Mum 6 months ago to terminal cancer. My husband was my rock at these times because I was extremely close to my parents. Now I feel so alone. My sister has been there for me and the kids, but she lives 2 hours away and has her own family to take care of. I have a really good friend who checks on me regularly and she and her husband were close to my husband as well. I have always been a strong person but this has really knocked me hard and I have been searching for a site such as this to let my inner thoughts out.
I know this is a late response to when this was released, but I was wondering, is it normal for the brain to try and erase fun past memories of a loved one?
I lost my partner back in feb 2016 to suicide. I honestly thought I was going crazy. I could not remember words that were so simple, I even questioned whether I was getting early onset Alzheimer’s (I’m only 31). I would feel like I just needed to scream to let all the pain out. I would talk to ‘him’ like he was there because I still had so much to say. Nobody is crazy after the loss of a love one. We are all just hurting so much our brains aren’t quite sure how to process it all. Still 3.5 years later and my memory still isn’t quite with it yet. I have panic attacks still, I still don’t sleep very well, but for anyone out there that is at that stage where you feel like it’s never going to get better and you are feeling a little crazy, hold on, be strong, because it does get better:) For me now my life is wonderful, still miss him, still have sad moments, still can’t remember things as well as i used to, but you learn to adapt because we are strong and make the best life you can with the situation that you have.
My dad died suddenly in front of me when I was 15, I’ve suffered with anxiety most of my life, I’m now 48 and my mum died to lung cancer last year after 3 years battling, while caring for my mum I did ok, as if on autopilot, this year I feel my life has fallen apart, I haven’t worked for 3 months, and really hit rock bottom, I went back on antidepressents and hopefully things will improve, I had therapy after my mums passing and it opened a lot of wounds from childhood and made things worse, it made me confused about my whole childhood, I have 3 kids, and they are my world, And I keep going for them, one thing I really learnt isolating is the worst thing you can do.
My wife lost her battle to Ovarian Cancer and related over the last 6 years in last few months. I’m only 48 and we have a 15 yr old at home.
I did palliative care at home up to the last few days we are numbed to what our life was with a healthy mommy and in my case a wife at all after so many years.
The memory loss affects day to day functions so I rely on sticky notes and iphone reminders. I’m a IT professional and used to be a smart guy but I feel so much more limited now. Thought I was losing my mind so happy to know its normal since I have to see my son to several finish lines before this mind and heart can give out. He has seen too much for sick parents over the years.
The memory loss I have the most problem with and not sure if it is palliative care or the death is it is like the whole last 22 years never existed. I see the pictures and even when i’m in them it is like it never happened. I can deal with memory loss but having no connection to a loved one makes a person feel so lost.
So we dog paddle in this big blue ocean because if our loved ones were still here they would be doing exactly that.
Be kind to yourself. We have a gift to still be here, no matter how lost we are right now.
Hi, I lost my partner of 47 years on New Years Day 2019…we met I was 18 and he was 28…I cannot begin to feel so much for everyone here it breaks my heart as we are all in the same boat trying to float…and IT HURTS…the idea of it taking 6 years to feel better destroys me…as it is now so painful after 6 months…but I MUST say any bereavement groups, counseling , therapy …ANY OR ALL ARE A MUST……saving my life now, I hope …because I am still broken, useless and totally lost….we were in the ER ALL the time …poor guy…on his birthday weekend …after Thanksgiving, right after Christmas which he came he for and then felt weaker the next day and again another ambulance after midnight and back in the ER… Channukah in rehab …all set to come out and the hemoglobin dropped …we were transferred to the hospital and another blood transfusion…(So Many of them…..I AM NOW USED TO ALL HORRORS IN HOSPITALS WHICH i COULD NOT HANDLE before…BUT now …A WALK IN THE PART…sorry for all caps there) it was and still is awful…I hate going forward as it is without him..we lived and worked together side by side and it was beautiful, loving and caring…he was a gem …I do not know how to live alone…after groups and all I am in Therapy, one on one …only once a week but could use it everyday…can’t really go on any more with this pity party …but my heart goes out to one and all…I KNOW only too well how we all feel and you all know how much more is not written here….all too much for anyone too handle…please excuse poor English , typing, typos…not really paying attention or re reading this…please seek any help you can get…can you imagine, she, my therapist, who is an angel….tells me that if we are still in this same state in 5-10 years we will have to worry and then it will be a problem..WHOA!
….broken hearted forever, Sincerely Neal
PS>>>I have a candle lit and have since I lost him everyday and all the time I am at home or here trying to work…not during sleep or out of the house, etc….(which doesn’t happen as much as it should at the moment)…But it is a great feeling to have it there in front of his photo …..there is something so wonderful about it…he loved his candles so I am also carrying on his tradition…sometimes it breaks me and still hurts but the other part supersedes that…..also we never thought, ever, that this was to be the end result …this reaching the point of no return was not on our list at all or ever present in our minds.
We truly thought we were going to make it and fought SO hard…therefore it was actually a shock….I am happy, I believe, he really did not ever have to know the truth…
it all started on the 2nd anniversary of our new apt, Oct 2018—Jan. 1st 2019
We thank you all here and for this page!
Rose colored glasses is only way to describe it. If we can take those glasses without people having to go through our pain the world would be a better place.
No longer take anything for granted and love every time I wake up to feed my son and puppy. It’s painful, but I’d like to think we all can become a better version of ourselves and find those little things to make our day and someone else’s.
It really is all those little things. God bless on your journey.
My mom died on mothers day may 12th 2019. I am a wreck.It’s been almost 10 weeks and I am not better. If I am awake I am consumed with pain and sadness and if I do sleep I only go down for 1 hour if I am lucky. She was my only parent and i am deeply hurting inside and I find myself pulling away from everyone i know. I can’t cope with a life without her. I am a mom and I am not doing what my kids need from me. I can’t think, feel , i either eat too much or too little. I keep reliving her final moments. I watched her do active death for 41 hours. I cannot believe she is gone. I can’t even deal with anything that causes me to feel the reality of her passing. I don’t know what to do.
I lost my son almost three weeks ago 5 days before his 20th birthday. He was battling depression,anxiety and drugs. He died all alone in a wooded area not far from my house and that just breaks my heart. A friend of his found him and came to my house to tell me. It appears that it was an accidental overdose as he was also diabetic and had glucose tablets in his mouth. Wouldn’t make sense to try to raise a low blood sugar if you are trying to kill yourself. My husband and I have been going through hell for 6 years with his depression, suicide attempts and drug use causing trouble with school, law enforcement and being able to hold a job. Because he required so much of my attention I don’t know what to do with myself now. We tried numerous rehabs and counseling but nothing helped. His psychiatrist would give him any drug he asked for so that just made it worse. He moved on from pharmaceuticals to heroine. He had just come home from another rehab about 2 weeks before he died and I thought he was doing good. He even messaged friends that are in recovery about going to NA meetings but he went right back to using. We finally decided to do the tough love thing and told him he had to choose drugs or a roof over his head. He chose drugs and was dead 2 days later so I question our decision and feel guilty. I regret my last words to him were not kind. He was a twin and I’ve always been the mother of twins. Now I don’t know who I am. I feel like I have lost my identity. The lack of focus while grieving is real. Forgot a vet appointment this morning. I don’t have any desire to do anything. Even though I have a daughter that I love dearly, she has become very independent since we were so focused on her brother and we aren’t very close. I feel like all my hope is gone. I’ll never get to tell him I love him again, I’ll never get to go on a trip with him or see him have a family of his own. Although he had a lot of struggles he and I were close and it’s like I had a limb cut off and I can’t get my balance. I miss him most at night when we used to watch tv together. I can’t sleep because when I close my eyes I see him. I read that the grief of losing a child lasts for years. I don’t know if I can survive that. Even with all the problems we had to deal with I would do it all again for one more chance to see him and maybe find a way to help him. People keep telling me he is at peace now but selfishly I just want him back.
I as a Mother know this life. I’m just so sorry that you have to know it too. It’s horrifying to see your child running straight for a speeding train and your hands are tied to save him. I tried too, I did all I knew how to do. I fought for him, I would have died for him if it meant he would live but even that would not have been possible. Drugs are a Demon that has more power than any Human can have….Only God is stronger and has the power needed to fight this type of battle but even though we try, it’s not our battle to fight. Only an addict can take that power and turn their lives around. Our battle is how to live knowing they may/will die, and follow with the battle of going on without them. I still cry every day without my precious God given beautiful precious Son..He was just so beautiful, but broken and I couldn’t fix him. I hate that as his Mother I couldn’t fix him and feel tremendous guilt, pain, and agony. I long to see him, to hug him, just touch him, hear his laugh and feel his love, and to know that it’s impossible for even one of those things just kills me a little more each day. My hope is gone, my life is now just an existence and my heart is shattered. Im Not sure how it even functions properly but if it decided to stop, I would be in a much better place. Drugs take away so much more that the person you love and miss.
I feel apart of me died December 18,2019 when my dad died. Ive become mean and hateful very short with everyone. I used to be fun out going and people wanted to be around me. Now i feel more alone than ever. I need this to change. Ive even started depression meds .
I too feel that I have lost my mind. My husband died 2 years ago this 06 September with brain cancer, and it all feels fresh and raw to this day. I have tried all kinds of “therapies” but none have worked for me. I know that this will sound crazy but we did not expect his death. We had flown 3 times to South Korea for his brain surgeries, and he always came back perfectly. NO deficits at all. His father is also a doctor. So even with a husband that was a Psychiatrist and his father a Medical Doctor, was of no avail. His mother had died just less than 2 years before we met with brain cancer. This second year is even harder than the first. I wish that someone, anyone, had a magic pill.
My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. We’ve been through a lot emotionally together. There were several HUGE fights and painful situations in our marriage, but we always seemed to come out stronger on the other side. Out of the blue my husband just sprung the divorce talk on me, I was totally depressed until I found Lord Ojoka website online and i ordered for a Love spell. You won’t believe my husband called me at the exact time this spell caster finished his spell work in 24hours. I was totally amazed! He is wonderful and his spells work so fast. You could also reach out to him if you are having problems with your marriage or relationship. Email: dr.ojokaspelltemple @gmail . com or whatsapp him +2348144172934
Thanks for the tip to set reminders for yourself when dealing with grief. My wife recently lost her mom in a car accident, and it’s been pretty hard for her. She has been forgetting to do small things around the home, and yesterday she forgot to pick up our kids from school because of her grief. Along with setting reminders, I think grief support would really help my wife out during this hard time.
Hi like your self and others I have forgotten and forget spelling. names . Most every day and simple Thing’s. My son died two years ago and at first all was fine but gradually in time my mind is lost.
I get it, I also don’t at the same time. I feel as though this problem is destroying my life. The biggest part that I can’t keep from cycling in my mind every day all day, is the injustice of my loss, and how the person who did it gets away with it and gets to keep my kids, and keep them from me. They get further and further away every minute it feels like. I know how this is destroying my mind, and I can’t imagine what it’s doing to the minds of my children who were not protected at all. I’ve lost all 48 years of my life. My home, my dog passed, he took my kids illegally , my best friend/roommate passed away, and my family including my son don’t talk to me now very much, because they don’t know how to handle my emotional crying spells, and my dooms day repeating itself. I get it, and I understand why they don’t want to be around me, but all it does it confirm that no one can be trusted with loving you, because they can abandon ship so easily. But of course none of them were there for me when I battled in court alone without Councl because my attorney was snowballing me (probably for money), so I try not to worry about there’s opinions. I am hurt, alone, afraid and just miserable with life period (that’s what his intent was) and the system helped him. People say to move on, well how does a good parent move on from there kids?? It’s impossible as long as I’m living, and NO parent should have to do that! I was a good mom, a good wife, and I was a good coparenter as well, and I absolutely didn’t deserve to be treated like a nothing and lose my whole life for it. I had no help because he had the money, the status of a solder, and I was the stay at home mom who cashed out her retirerment to get him a truck, allowed him to destroy my credit, and I was painted out to the judge as to be worthless. And I’ve felt that way every since. Anyways, i don’t know why I ramble on here God bless
My 24 yr old son and only child, was shot and killed by his best friend almost 3 years ago. I’m nothing of the person I was. I quit my job and I’ve isolated myself at home with my dogs. My husband works and continues his life. I cook and clean but find it a chore to go outside or anywhere. My thoughts are of my son, my best friend. I don’t ever see myself getting over this or even through it. I just want to be with my son.
We lost our son to suicide in February 2018. My husband had been fighting cancer for 6 years. He gave up after this and just wanted to be with our son – he joined our son in June 2018. In November 2018 I lost my brother, also to cancer. I miss them all so very much.
We have been lucky enough to be a very close family and have had a wonderful life together. If we hadn’t been so close we wouldn’t be feeling like this, would we?
Just going out of the house to the supermarket can take 3 days and its very rarely I can manage to do more than one thing if I go out of the house – carry on to another shop for example. I only feel safe at home at the moment, even after 19 months.
However, losing someone to suicide is a very different thing to someone dying from an illness or accident etc. You know why it’s happened if it’s illness or accident. You don’t understand suicide. The only person who can explain this is the person who has decided to leave us. The way forward is not signposted and you feel lost and bewildered. You will never know exactly what happened, why it happened, or why you didn’t realize how depressed your own son was getting. We texted each other several times a day – I so miss that contact, my phone is so quiet now. We knew he was struggling and were all trying to help. (I could write a book on this, there is so much to say), but we all missed the depth of despair he was in. We didn’t understand. No-one talks about suicide. We made no secret of it. There were so many people at his funeral. So many people who loved him, who are also still struggling to make sense of it. So many people who would have done anything to help him, if only they knew how desperate he was.
I have read so many books on survivors of suicide – those left here. It does help but doesn’t change things. We are all left in a different place – one we don’t want to be in.
Suicide seems to have been in the news a lot this last year. It happens too, too often and we don’t understand why. We miss the signs. This is never going to get any better, but we have to find a way to carry on somehow.
They would want us to ……………..
I am so sorry for ALL of your losses here. I hope you find your way.
I lost my 22 year old son to suicide this past feb 19th, 2019. We never would have imagined him leaving us like that….I do everything I can to cope so I can be present for my 4 other children, 13-25. I lost my husband to a heart attack at age 35 in 2011(something my son carried with him) and and a full term son in 2004. So, my older sons loss feels like 3 losses all at the same time. But his loss has me in a fog of exhaustion every single day. I went back to work a month ago because I felt obligated by my now husband and my company who has been very good to me but in all honestly I just feel even more drained and the moments I finally sit, it all sinks in once again. I feel like the more I try to be ok for everyone else, the more I feel like giving up. I would never do that to my other children, but I carry so much pain some days that I just want to run away from it all, but there’s no where to run. I don’t know where I’m going with this except to say I agree, suicide survivors pain carries so much weight and I agree with you. I don’t sleep well even on medications and the nightmares and dreams of him just keep coming. Sending you hugs…
Hello, I lost my mother who raised me and I am still devastated and miss her so much and now I have lost my aunt and now I was told this week I am losing my job. My job was all I had left and now I am losing that. I don’t know what to do. I am looking for a new job but it is not easy so since I don’t have any family left should I try relocating to a new city to start over. I have no idea what to do. I would have to sell the house and probably pay for my own relocation which would be expensive. What if I don’t find a new job will I lose my house. I worry so much now. I don’t know how much more I can take. Any advice would be an appreciated.
I lost my 21 yo son a year and 8 months ago to fentanyl and carfentinil. I try to keep insanely busy so I don’t lose my mind. I try to “fake it till I make it”. It’s exhausting but I don’t even want to guess what the alternative would be.
I lost my mother when I was 7, my father when I was 12, and my brother about 15 years ago. Absolutely nothing even comes close to the horror of losing my son though.
Nothing compares. Absolutely nothing. I’m so sorry and I understand. My son died from fentynyl as well. One of many thousands and thousands. It’s a hurt and pain like no other. 😭
I am not writing about the physical loss of a loved one. There are horrible stories of trauma here and my heart really goes out to all of you.
My loss was my wife and kids and my home. I admit it is less serious than the death of a loved one but I also can’t get over the loss. I make good money and was a very loving and doting father. My wife and I had a pretty good relationship. She was not a very loving person and for some reason was not very respectful. We are not together now and I miss my family so much that I could endure some disrespect and lack of love to be with my family. Everyone around me says what a good catch I am and I have dated but I just feel like not being around sometimes if I can’t be with my family. I never cried before but the last two years I cry just for a moment or two in private practically everyday.
Thank You for this, i truly did think i was losing my mind, but this makes sense.
I lost my father 6 months ago. Reading these comments helps this very moment. Today I got so angry I physically hit my husband. This is not like me! This has never happened before. Naturally he got so upset he wants a divorce because this is too much. I can understand that. I’m not the same. We got married one month before my father died so we haven’t had a chance to really grow together. I prayed for every single person on here. Please pray for me if you have the time.
God bless you.
I’m 43. Ive never had these feelings of grief before. I was in a relationship with a girl I thought at first I wanted to marry, for just over 3 years. After finding out she wasn’t divorced from her ex, was into hard drugs and alcohol, went m.i.a. for 2-3 days at a time, lied, cheated, stole…I don’t know why, but I decided to see if I could help her pull out of that lifestyle. When we first met at work, she was sober…because she had to get a job. 2 weeks into it, she was flirting around…but said she was sorry and just wanted me. She said so many times we were going to get married. All the attention she gave me was more than I’d ever gotten before…a little too much my red alerts were telling me. But I didn’t listen. After 6 months she was attending church every week with me…granted she wasn’t really changing her behavior but I figured God’s working in her and things take time. Fast forward 3 years and many many many many many lies later…and she finally said to my face “FUCK YOU! I never want to see you again!” and slammed my truck door shut. That was the moment. That was what I needed to hear to finally break free from her. But now I’m in this weird state of mind where everything seems…boring. When she was in between the real shitty part of her depression drinking cycle, we would hang out and have fun together. Hiking all over the place, watching movies snuggled up together, going to the park with her kids 8 and 10 years old (her ex had custody). But something always came up to trigger her to drink more and more after a few weeks. At that point, she’d lie about not drinking and going out after I’d leave…to the point I’d get sick of it and say goodbye…to which she would sober up, beg me to forgive her and promise me she’d fight harder to quit drinking. The thing is, she was telling the truth. She’d broken down bawling to me many times about how incredibly rough her childhood was (raped, beaten, foster parent horror). And that all she wanted to do was stop the constant pain. I thought loving her no matter what was what she needed. Maybe it was…maybe it wasnt. I honestly don’t know. We spent almost every day together. I saved her 10 year old son from drowning in the Tuolome River. I watched her daughter many many school plays with her. There’s so many good memories…but so so so many hurts she’s caused me, lying to me. She is a depressed person…but I never knew the extent. She sabatoges herself. And then cuts herself after. She’ll quit her job, break her phone, start drinking and just give up. Ive helped her get back on the right track at least 25 times. So yesterday was the last time I saw her. And last night, it felt like I was going insane just sitting down watching tv. Like What th hell is going on? I do not feel normal at all!!! Started thinking about EVERYTHING. Is she going to be okay? Why do i care so much about someone who doesn’t care about me? She doesn’t care about herself…she doesn’t care. Period. She’s said that very phrase so many times, it makes me sick to think about it. She’s about to completely lose visitation to her kids because she isn’t holding it together. On Mothers Day weekend, Friday night, her 9 year old daughter was on the way over to spend the usual Friday & Saturday nights with her mom. 5 days prior, I’d caught her in a lie and couldn’t take anymore. I broke up with her. Friday evening comes and what does she do? She overdoses on prescription anti depressants chugging them down with beer. Kailey gets dropped off, opens the door, sees her mom unconscious on her bed, not responding to her screams to wake up. Ex husband calls 911. She gets taken to hospital where they pump her stomach. Gets sent to psych ward for 7 days. After day 4, she calls me, and sounds like she’s finally talking like herself again…crying and apologizing, swearing she needs help and wants to get better. And it’s back to the beginning of the cycle…but you can never tell it’s the beginning of a destructive cycle because she’s sober at the time. It took a trigger to get her to make the choice to start drinking again…KNOWING what it does to her. Even after being threatened by her ex to move kids out of state with him and his new wife, she still doesnt stop drinking.
So here we are…and the grief I feel is overwhelming.
I’m 49 in great shape(was)my wife had a severe stroke 1 month ago and I cant even function I feel guilty if I do anything I hardly ever know what the date or time is constantly looking for my keys usually they are in my hand or pocket insurance will not cover her stay in rehab for more than 30 or 40 days she eats through a peg tube she cant walk or talk and leaving her in a nursing is a sure death for me and her to more than likely and she is mentally there that’s my story
I’m so sorry for you and hope you can pull through this and your wife, too. I know how hard it is. My husband became ill in June 2019 and died in September. His illness was exacerbated by an infection he picked up in the hospital. I had to glove and gown up when I visited him, couldn’t even sit on his bed when I visited. I thought he would be with us longer but found him dead one morning in the assisted living home where he was staying. So never really got to say goodbye. Please take care of yourself. Watch what you eat, take walks, and try to find a little joy in just the smallest things, like hearing a bird sing, saying hello to a stranger. I am going through my own grief. It seems to come in waves. I keep telling myself that my life is going in a different direction now.
I’m not sure if anyone will read this but I just need to get some help from the ones who understand the most. My husbands father died two years ago, 3 months after the birth of our first son. It was a hard time he had been sick for a year prior and we watched him slowly decline. We even saw him on his last days and it was very hard. Two years later and my husband is worse than ever. I’ve tried to be there, tried to be his strength, tries to be positive, encouraging, help him to start maybe accepting it and nothing works. Every argument or distraction is a “ I lost my dad ok I’m not in a good place!” It has come to a point where I can’t understand anymore. I’ve been neglected my feelings my emotions it has been hard being the only strength in the marriage for myself my husband our teen daughter and toddler son. I’m breaking down and just need some advice on what to do. I’ve pleaded with him to go get help to no avail. I’m suffering now bc I feel like I’ve lost myself. If someone can give me advice I’d love some. I feel horrible that I’m angry about the way he’s handling my father n laws death it’s like everything he uses the excuse. 🙁 I just want us to get to a better level than this. I’m drained.
I recently lost my mum to a cardiac arrest. She was only 47 and it was very unexpected. Her main artery from her heart to her brain was completely blocked. We lost my uncle at 37 to ascemic heart disease also and my nanny has it but is medicated. Cant help but she was failes and palmed off by the doctors who consistently told her it was due to menopause, although none of her symptoms were matched to any others on a menopause page! Im still in a state of shock i think but we was so close. I feel so numb and it constantly creeps up on me but whats getting to me at the moment is the dreams. I keep having dreams about her but in my dreams she’s brain damaged 😏 She was resuscitated and in hosp for 4 days before switching the machine off. Because she was starved of oxygen for 45 minutes her brain was too damaged. I dont know what these dreams mean but i cant help but think shes trying to come through and thats how she is now. Or maybe im just being silly. I dont know but my heart is broken and its so unbearable to think im not going to see her ever again. 😒
My Mom and Step-Dad passed away as a result of a MVC.
It’s been hard just trying to stay focused on things; I was wondering if it was just me, or if this could be part of the grieving process.
I stumbled across this article in my search! Thank you for your insights.
Connie
I lost my first born grown son of 46 years, fought for his life for twenty years, as he was being killed by his pain management and counsel doctors. I literally fought for him for by busting doctors, pleading with lawyers to please put him in jail so he could get help instead of letting him out on the streets again. All those stories you read about out there, that’s me and him. He lost absolutely everything, and he was a hugely successful Colorado amateur golf representative, owned two businesses, was a professional musician of all original music, married, two homes and had a huge heart of gold. Tall dark and handsome, I watched him shrivel into a 6’5 140 pound bald with no teeth left 46 year old, dying of heart failure finally from the fentanyl. I get offended by people comparing the loss of their dog to this tragedy. It’s almost two years now, and I’m just able to pick through all his music recording equipment to donate to a Teen Challenge music department. I am a totally broken changed person, and so alone, everyone bails including my husband. I would prefer to leave this world, I at least could join him there.
Hormones dumped while grieving — adrenaline, cortisol etc — thin the hippocampus and pre-frontal cortex, and thicken the amygdala…which make you forgetful, addled and anxious respectively. After my dear sweet son died, I check all three.
My husband died after his cancer returned. Next month (March2020) will be a year. I have had so much to take care of , but after doing Social Security never ending stuff, learning what tires to buy, on and on…I have so much I can’t remember. I am 76 and my kids are in their 50’s , but they aren’t happy to have me forgetting to do things,or how to do things , or when.
We were married 44 years. It has changed my life so much. I am so glad I found this site. I don’t feel as bad as I did now that I know it happens , and how long is different for everyone. A way to go yet, but I try to accept that new stuff feels even newer when there is a life changing event.
Hang in there ladies and guys. I send a hug to you all!!
Sorry, I just needed to repeat my loss….I will shut up
I am very sorry to read everyone’s stories of losses. My dear dad died 10 months ago after a cruel, chronic and agonising disease that made us suffer as a whole family (COPD) for almost 2 years. Two years of severe trauma, shock and denial for me. He was my idol, the person I followed and had as a role model since I was a baby; the person I am smiling at in a photograph when he was carrying me in his arms when I was a month of age… He and hence us suffered a great deal with his decline. So many surgeries, invasive, “heroic” procedures, countless hospitalisations, numerous resuscitations, etc but no guidance as a family whatsoever. No social worker or thanatologist came to talk to us as a family for possible hospice care; some of his various doctors giving him false hopes of him being able to travel to the beach after “this recovery” when we all knew (maybe except for him) that he was never going to eat again (he was then fed by a cannula in his stomach), walk again (tied to a wheelchair and then just a hospital bed; developed osteoporosis and secondary multiple vertebral fractures from it plus severe muscle atrophy in his legs and back muscles). It is not fair. Modern medicine is cruel. I am a veterinarian myself. We don’t let animals suffer without hope and I get that in human medicine you have legal and sociocultural factors that complicate decisions, but no one came to talk to us, to him. The doctors, which are amazingly competent, updated us with a bunch of info that proved absolutely useless. We needed clarity, honesty and guidance in this situation. It is not fair. He spent months in ICU, isolated from all of us and his siblings and friends. For you who have spent time in icu you know there is no answer and you literally live hour by hour as patients often crash… my mum made the hospital’s couch her home for 5 months. My poor mum. She was there all the time; running like crazy to let the dog out, find stuff that doctors at times needed, feed herself and go to every (very limited) visit. No privacy, no comodities. It was a private hospital. They should have beds for families of icu patients. A room to cry. Something! Not fair.
I am angry. I am devastated. I not just lost the person I loved the most but I saw his suffering for a while; unable to do anything about it. Wishing he would find rest because his body was no more. Feeling guilty, impotent, frustrated and in severe despair. I was working in Canada the months prior to his death. I travelled 5 times in 10 months because we thought that was it. I am grateful I was able to say goodbye in my way several times. I lost my dear dad at a young age. The person I admired and loved the most. I wanted to kill myself so many times before and after his death, for months. I seeked death when I resigned from my previous job and drove from Canada to La Paz, Baja, as nothing made sense. The pain has been excruciating. The isolation is vast. I not just lost him but also lost people I considered “friends” as they chose to either ignore me or pretend “I sounded fine over the phone”. My mum and sister and 2 friends always stayed by me. And I am forever grateful for I know that you understand who your real friends are in bad situations. And because even though grief is absolutely isolating, we are not alone. Still, I used to have a perfect memory but now I can barely focus on work, I forget stupid stuff that I didn’t use to forget, I can’t read past than a paragraph sometimes, I hear but do not comprehend sometimes, I cry a lot especially with music that reminds me of him (60’s rock and roll as he loved dancing this with mum), I lost my creativity, interest for life, motivation, and even part of my identity it seems . I used to be very driven especially growing my career as a large animal internist. Now nothing makes sense and even though I love animals and medicine I am not sure I want to continue this career or any other anymore. I feel destroyed, shattered, I try so hard every day but feels I constantly have to fight for something or fight against myself. And even though I am not acting suicidal anymore, I still wish I was received by him wherever he has gone. I moved to this new city 2 months ago and on top of all this, there is no appealing landscape to even try to pursue any of my hobbies to balance my life. It is all a mess and I don’t even know if I will ever recover my ability to perform well in life, to like life, to genuinely smile, to feel something else than pain (although within the pain I recognise a lot of love too), and if I will even be brave enough to live again. It’s not fair. It’s wrong. There is nothing good about him being gone and no, I am not grateful this has made me “grow as a person “ for those who say this. Thank you for reading me .
Hi I lost my 9m old daughter in September and I am still having very extreme emotions at times. I think it is related to my cycle also where I am more emotional. The first 2 months were very challenging when every hour was different. Now I can have some good days and some not so good days but I am still emotional each day usually for a certain amount of time. I am concerned I have complicated grief symptoms but not sure as I would need to see a dr. again. I do alot of supportive work..I have a grief counsellor that comes to our home weekly and biweekly, I went to 6 weeks of Griefshare at my church, I went to 4 weeks of a grief group for wives who lost their husbands, because for me, a group with parents who had lost children. was too soon and too sensitive.
I read books on the subject given to me by a social worker at the hospital where my daughter passed. I also read whatever grief literature that people give me that I find helpful. My husband and I offered masses at church for our daughter all December which helped alot necause she was born and due on Christmas. I hope to continue that as the months go along. I reach out to prayerful friends at my church and accept prayer from good friends. I try my best not to isolate.
March 1st 2020 marked the 4 year anniversary if you will of the death of my father who outside of my brother an children was my only living relative an we had grown to be very close again,A week prior to that I had to have a total hysterectomy that my father had loaned me the money for, The last time I saw him was the last day in February for a brief moment to repay him what I owed,it was a short visit due to me still recovering and him having a Doctor’s appointment at the V.A the next more;The next day I gave plenty of time for him to see the doctor an return home then I tried to call him and see how he was an what the doctor had to say but he did not answer,me assuming he was tired an taking a nap I carried on with my day knowing he would call me back
That evening I was talking to my son who just flown in to be with me due to a very serious hospitalization of my youngest son an my phone started to ring but it was my dad’s girlfriend so we ignored it but as soon as it stopped ringing she was calling back when my son answered with a joke as always she started yelling its Dad its Dad we lost him but the paramedics got him back meet us at the hospital now,We jumped in our cars an raced to the hospital to discover that we beat them there some how as I’m standing outside trying to listen for the sirens of the ambulance I had a very heavy feeling of maybe we were at the wrong hospital until I see head lights that turned out to be them with no emergency lights or sirens and driving oddly slow for an emergency, I knew in that moment it was bad;They put us in a private room an told us they were working on him but after what just seemed minutes the Chaplin came in to “talk to us” My father was pronounced dead an in that instant its like my brain stopped all together, I couldn’t speak,think or even cry all I remember is other people screaming an flailing on the floor but all I could do was shake my head NO in shock an disbelief a million things started happening an people trying to talk to me but it was like I lost my voice,ability to say a word or even look at something an have a thought at all,we went in to say goodbye but still I couldn’t do anything but stand by the door shaking my head no it was like a complete out of body experience. Somehow out of all of that an everybody I was the one chosen to handle every detail an every arrangement for him an his body from that very moment on;I’m not sure how but I pulled myself together,sucked up every emotion I had or should have had an took care of everything just to be blind sided by his girlfriend after my father’s very indeapth Military memorial and then told that she had lied to us from the very first phone call (My dad pasted away fighting to talk but when the paramedics forced a shot of oxygen to his face it was in that moment that he passed away an never was revived at all) Not only was it a complicated to understand why he passed away just hours after see a handful of doctors but to know that we were filled with the words of hope that he was revived,breathing an on his way to the hospital just to find out we had been lied to from the beginning was beyond my comprehension of how someone could be so cruel) After his service she took everything from the folder flags,him remains an every ounce of his personal belongings including all the money he had from his bank account and credit cards but she sold everything she thought was valuable out from under us an behind our backs. From that first horrific night at the hospital I have never been the same,I can’t think straight more than half the time,I can’t concentrate on anything,you could tell me something in one minute an it’s gone in a instant, I’m way more emotional now an sometimes I’ll start to cry just talking or listening to music, everything makes me cry most of the time and half of it has nothing to do with him or his memory,I space out very easily weather I’m super busy or someone is talking to me it doesn’t matter I just stare off an not hear a single word,remember what I was doing or even how long I’ve been zoned out (this includes when I’m driving as well) I’m instantly thrown back to the night at the hospital and once again it seems like a out of body experience, I just turned 41 with 4 kids,my youngest is in his senior year of high school an even have 2 grandsons now but most times i feel like I’m 65 with a bad case of altimerzes and fading fast. Finally for once i can’t handle anymore an feel i need help,What happened to me? Where did my once very sharp mind go? Am i still working with a full brain or did 90% of it die? My day to day life is a extreme struggle but very few if anyone knows how bad it really is but I’m scared I’m going to wake up one day soon an that be it,i won’t know or remember much if anything at all..please please help me!
Thank you for taking the time and giving me the respect to read my story an hopefully help or give me insight before I don’t have a chance to find out what’s wrong an if I can fix it for myself, my kids an my new grandbabies!
Tessa
Wow! 2 years after this post is the day we buried my beloved father may god bless him and have abundant mercy on his beautiful and powerful soul, he died of old age on April 9th 2020 at 4:31am , upon hearing the news of the passing of my father, I was in such shock I went numb. As I’m writing this now, the grief is so strong and keep crying and it’s killing me inside. Due to the hospital rules for coronavirus, my family and I could not be by his side. He was in the hospital for the last 3 weeks and 4 days by himself. The pain is real, the struggle is real, but I hope he will look out for us from above and I hope he visits us all in my family’s dreams. For all of you that lost a loved one for whatever reason, may god bless you all and give you all strength and patience in this difficult time. Love you all and please stay safe.
I lost my husband 9 weeks ago to cancer. This happened very fast less than 3 weeks.
I have 2 teens that keep an eye on me. I was having problems prior, but this has really made it worse. I can not concentrate enough to read or understand simple tasks. I have to write a list of things to do each day, then I forget to write it down. It seems to get a little better, I can watch a movie but I will get distracted or loose interest. My mind wonders continuously.
Acknowledgement is the first thing that you need to do to cope with grief and loss. Oftentimes, many people find it difficult to deal with the pain caused by the loss of their loved ones because they refuse to acknowledge the fact that such pain exists to begin with.
Regards
Gerald
My parents were both gifted MFCCs, with a shared practice. In 2017, I lost my dad, March 8, after a fall at his office caused brain swelling and he ended up in the ER and then rehab. I helped my mom with him through a 7-week rehab, & night before we were to bring him home, he fell again in the rehab building, off to ER then ICU, then surgery (craniectomy to place drains in skull to reduce fluid on the brain, 7 days we tried to get improved neurological response, buteach day less and less… then brain death…😢 I was then responsible for the details and the two memorial services, 3/17 and 4/7 and interment. Got it all completed with my mom (they were married 62 years!) then I collapsed at my home, 80 miles away, exhausted and in shock. Mom seemed exhausted, but physically okay, and preferred to be alone/independent in her condo while deciding what she wanted next- stay there, or sell condo and move up close to me. I checked in with her each day by phone as did my brother and her grandkids… she had a safety alert device in case she fell. During the next few weeks, she threw out almost everything related to dad. 😳 Late April, she said she was having trouble eating/pain when eating. I took her to her gastroenterologist, who heard her symptoms and scheduled her for GI scope for June 16, and put her on one pill that reduced depression, increased appetite, helped with sleep, reduced pain. She said it seemed to be helping. 2 weeks later, I visited her Mother’s Day weekend, and she seemed to be weaker and in more discomfort. 😳
She was scheduled for a blood draw next day, got her there, then she was too weak to get back to the car. Got her to ER, doctors admitted her, and within 24 hrs we got diagnosis of Stage 4 pancreatic cancer metastasized to the liver, estimated up to 6 months to live, no cure possible. I called all family to come visit, and I focused on getting hospice set up in her home because she had letters she wanted to write/stuff to finalize…. she never got to come home, passed away 2 weeks from diagnosis. 😢😞 Then I read their Trust and found I was responsible to settle all of their affairs… I got the service and interment details taken care of, Ironically, her service was June 16, the day she was supposed to have her GI procedure…😳😣I then set about clearing out their home and office and my brother helped prep their home for sale. It took two years to fully settle everything, get taxes done, books closed on practice, sell the home…
Tremendous grief over loss of my mom… thought I would have time to spend with her after dad passed…at one point alone I screamed and anguished… felt completely abandoned and just crazy… broke a few dishes… not my normal approach to life…
my memory very disrupted now and unreliable…
3 years later, grief had reduced, but could easily be triggered- mainly for loss of my mom… then my mom in Love, my husband’s mom, was feeling poorly, long term Congestive Heart Failure and slow moving multiple myeloma conspired against her, so hospice was begun. Now I had such great relationship with her, nothing left unsaid or undone, so my sense was the grief process would be less impactful… she passed away a week ago today… and the focus has been on details and well deserved kind words and remembrances. Service is intwo weeks…
But today, like a freak thunderstorm, my emotions broke down and I was sobbing so much it felt crazy…
It wasn’t tell I bumped into this Blog, that it hit me of the HUGE LOSS this was. That I truly was completely MOTHERLESS now.
Geez… I can’t believe I had that much to get out… sorry 😐 to take up so much space… but thank you for this forum, for a place to dump it out and be heard and understood…may God help each of us in ways that are meaningful to our situations to figure out how to meep moving, keep living, when normal has been demolished.
My husband of 39 years passed away 6 weeks ago. It occurred as we were preparing to spend the holidays & winter with close family. It happened 1 day before we were supposed to leave. I am now with the same family members and will be residing here as long as I wish. I have noticed memory loss and acts of being scatter brained. I have always been very organized and had an excellent memory. It gives me hope reading the letters above. I still have so many responsibilities to take care of and was wondering if I am capable of it. I am now hopeful that it is temporary. We are just now having a memorial for my husband the first week of the new year. Perhaps that will also help to clear my mind a little. I am widowed and feeling bewildered.
After reading a few comments I realised I’m having the same “symptoms”, but no one died in my family, I just didn’t ever feel like I have a family and now it seams I never will. My parents had a lot of heated discussions thrueout my childhood so I learned how to not be seen so well, that they don’t remember I was at home back than when I ask them and I really wonder if I ever am somewhere. I got really depresed when I heard from colleagues at my work, how they treat their children and caught myself wishing they were my parents. I am seven years in relationship that helped me a lot but recently I realised we might never have kids and it really crushed me. I was always forgeting a few times I lost myself in anger and I usually can’t focus well. I’m on medication and I try to rationalize a lot but I feel so heavy and tired. Always pushing myself to smile as if nothing is hurting me and do stuff even though I just want my body to stop breathing to finally have some peace.
I didn’t find any support groups in my country and recently I am ammassing reasons why not to kill my self and it’s not easy. I don’t understand why they had me born, when I was such a burden to begin with. I never had a childhood, and I’ll never be able to give it to someone whom I’d love. Is there any reason to stay? Does it ever get better? I survived for so long and I still haven’t find any possible solutions for living to stop hurting… I’m never good enough, no matter how much I try. Zuzana (31)
It’s going on the first year after my 21 year old twin son was murdered. Orchestrated by a lady I had a affair with 11 years prior. And was the only encounter with her ever. She had her family and friends carry it out on the night of April 25 2020 as he drove down the block and past her house her nieces boyfriend was already waiting in a suv for him to go past and when he did the boyfriends nephew came out her home and jumped in the passenger side and they started chasing my son down the block and down a alley. When they cam out the alley they starting shooting at my son in his car through the back window. He stopped to look for cars thats when they came up on his back side and shoot jom on the back of the head he then rolled out in the intersection and they went down the block and turned back around and came back for my sons friend and girlfriend but someone comeing down the street he stopped for starting honking there horn so they took off. One was cought 3 days later the other about 3 weeks later. Both are sitting in jail awaiting trial. They found the gun at the boyfriends home along with the suv. Only one still out is the one who started it all and still harassing my family. Which she messed up mentally so bad I myself am so confused because she was able to do this and still be here to raise her kids and teach them what you do when you can’t have what you want. And how to make it so the other person can’t either. As a father and one who had the ome night stand with her the guilt kills me and eats me away. I can’t socialize and having a hard time im public. Stress jumpy depression anxiety anger frustration. I can’t work because of brake downs and i can’t get myself to go to a doctor because i dont want to hear or believe what they have to say. I’m ready to give up.
Oh God. Bless you in your suffering. You are walking through the fire. It isn’t easy. May you find peace, and transformation, and meaning in this life. We are all of us walking through the valley of the shadow of death ( life). Me too. I lost both parents during this past year. And pandemic restrictions meant I could not be with them. I watched my beloved mother die on Zoom. Surely there is meaning in all of this suffering. We need to find it. Wishing you peace. Blessings to you my friend.
On October 20 2019 my 19 year old son was found dead at a park. I dropped him off that morning at a friends house and that is where he was killed I hate myself for dropping him off . A year and four days later on October 24 2020 the love of my life (my 13 yr old daughters dad) had a heart attack and passed away suddenly. He was the one that literally saved my life a dozen times since my son died and now he is also gone . And then on December 30 2020 my mom passed away . I can’t even function anymore I just can’t get out of this stare of mind I’m in and need help I don’t know what to do
I lost both parents this past year. And I wasn’t able to be with them because of Covid restrictions. I was allowed to watch my Mom die on Zoom. My family is also separated; siblings are apart and except for phone calls, or email, grief is being experienced alone. I am so lost. I am struggling. I started drinking about 2 drinks most nights. I know it’s too much. But I don’t know what to do. I can’t make sense of anything. I’m obsessed with wanting to know where my parents ARE. I am, frankly, obsessed with death. What is this life? My mom really suffered before the end. That kills me the most. Why so much suffering? Such a loving, kind, humble person, and yet, all this suffering on her before death; and worst of all, I couldn’t be with her to bring her comfort, or ease her. All we had was the phone. W3 talked at least 8 times a day. But it was still just the phone. I am suffering. I’m trying to find meaning in this. Bu5 I’m certainly floundering. Will this pass? How?
Hi if someone can help me with something. Im truly worried about my cousin. She recently lost her mother grandmother in a horrible accident a drunk driver driving on the wrong side of the freeway collided with them and killed them both. These two women she loved with every ounce of her being. Then a month after this happened her dad was admitted to the hospital with some weird illness and he died. Since all this she acts like she is crazy makes up things in her mind. We are all the enemy. I understand why. I love my cousin and am really worried can somebody give me the right words to say to her. Please….
yes – and i haven’t really found it yet. it’s just different… not better by any means… you just keep going.
Reading about all this sadness breaks my heart. Sometimes I feel so alone in my grief but now see that I’m not. We all must know that even though there are no answers, there is hope. And love. It’s all we have.
It has taken me 2 years and 7 months to finally find you all. I have read other articles and blogs ,but none that have ever appealed to me like this.
July of 2018 my husband had a massive heart attack 2 days after his 47th birthday. I was with him when it happened. I had to administer CPR which was my worst nightmare. Although I went to counseling, I never really addressed the PTSD I still suffer from to this day. Two months later my mother died from cancer. Although we knew she would not survive, it was in my opinion was slightly easier for me to process. We had time to say goodbye. My husbands death was very sudden and very traumatic for me to deal with. The 3 year anniversary of his death is this month. After almost three years, I felt my memory was starting to improve somewhat.
On May 26th, 2021 my beloved nephew was shot and killed in a mass shooting at his job. He was 29 and left a wife and 2 1/2 year old son behind. The day of the shooting I was by his wife’s side until we received the awful news that he was one of the 9 victims. His wife has been staying at my home since the shooting. I have to admit its like loosing my husband all over again. To see this young 28 year become a widow as I did at 46, kills me.
Recently my boss pulled me into his office. I had just asked a question and walked straight back to my computer and emailed him asking the same question. I had forgotten what I has just asked two minutes before. My mind went blank. He ask if I was ok. My reply was yes I am fine, I guess I am just loosing my mind.
From that day I realized I am not fine. All the grief I have been pushing down so I can be strong for my nephews wife had come full circle. My memory is worse than ever. I am not able to concentrate. I lose keys, glasses almost on a daily. It feels like I lost my husband all over again. In the past few days worry started to set in. I am going crazy? Do I have Alzheimer’s? I feel like I am completely losing it. Today, I reached out to my therapist.
I feel comfort in knowing I am not losing my mind. This is my grief process and I am not alone. Hugs to everyone going though grief. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
In 2016 my marriage of 11 years fell apart when my husband told he he had a cocaine addiction. The trauma of that was crushing me inside but on the outside I held it together for my two babies. They were just 3 and 4. In 2017 my Grandma (aka my Mum figure who raised me) was diagnosed with cancer. In March 2018, I lost my great Grandma to old age. But watching my very poorly Grandma say bye to her Mum knowing she would soon be joining her was heartbreaking. In the September 2018 my Grandma gained her Angel wings. (I was completely broken inside) Then on 1st January 2019 my only Brother and 3 years younger than my was killed, knocked off his motorbike on NYE. The shock sent me to completely shut down. Nearly two years on and I am trying hard to rebuild myself and my life. Part of me has died with him, I carry on for my two boys, my family and my friends. Each day I say thank you for helping me make it through the day. I am forgetful, I have blank moments where my thoughts run away with me. I feel guilty for not seeing my brother before his death. I feel guilty for living. And I feel robbed. And then the unknown questions, will I see ever see them again. Will I be able to hold my brother tightly in my arms. Dealing with the trauma of death is unbelievably hard. I just try to be kind to myself whilst I heal.
I lost my husband of 49 years on May 14th, 2021. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in April 2020. We spent 5 months going back and forth to chemo treatments. Whipple surgery was done in September. He never recovered from that surgery, he couldn’t eat more than a few bites of anything, could not eat meat or bread, said we didn’t understand, the food just wouldn’t go down. It took him another 8 1/2 months to literally starve to death lying here in our bed. He finally agreed to let me get him to the hospital and the cancer had spread to his lungs. He passed 10 days later. I don’t remember much of that 10 days, other than hospice being here and me giving him morphine every hour to ease his emotional pain. I was with him when he passed. My world will never be the same. I want to feel love and comfort again. My two children are grieving as well. The grief is not the same for them as it is for me. I want to and need to move on with my life. I don’t want to feel this way forever. My kids lost their father. I lost my husband. I pray for everyone going through this grief, we all have to do it our own way and in our own time.
I’ve been thinking I was getting Alzheimer’s just like my dad but I’ve come to the conclusion that it is grief! I feel like I’ve been in a constant state of grief for a year!!
March 2020 I was laid off due to covid. I became very depressed and out of sorts watching all my hard work unravel before my eyes.
September 2020 my grandson was kidnapped by his biological father. Took 10 days to get home back. Longest 10 days of our lives. I grieved as though he had died. We couldn’t have any contact with him due to the protection from abuse order against his father.
November 2020 my mother-in-law died from a stroke. We were not able to see her due to the covid shutdown. She was unconscious when we were finally able to get in to her nursing home. She died that same day.
December my uncle got covid from a nurse in his nursing home and died a week before Christmas. No family was able to see him until he was unconscious, and then died.
Two weeks later, January 6 2021, my father died after 11 years of battling Alzheimers. We could only visit him outside his first floor window nearly a year. we were robbed of his last days. He didn’t understand why my mom wouldn’t come inside to him. He didn’t know me anymore.
February 2021 my daughter miscarried. She had to go into the hospital alone due to covid. She had surgery the next day. I couldn’t be there for her.
April 2021 I got covid. Mild case but did experience the brain fog and fatigue. Which lasted a couple of weeks. Perhaps the brain fog has lasted longer than I think??
May 2021 my twin sister and her husband got covid. Seemed like a mild case. Except her husband was already dealing with Kidney Disease. He got double covid pneumonia. He was admitted in their local hospital May 19 and then transferred to a University hospital on May 28 where he still at today. (Aug. 19) He was told one week ago that his lungs will not heal and he will die. My sister has to pick a day to turn off the life support. I have been grieving for weeks!!
I barely get through one situation before another blindsides me! I am so forgetful. Misplace things constantly. Ask the same questions because I can’t remember what the answer was the first time. I feel like a complete idiot at work. Forgetting details about the work I do etc.
I just want my brain back!!!! And I want my heart to stop aching!
Lost my best friend Jan 2010 – car wreck. My mentally ill sister shot to death by police Aug 2012. My son’s father died of ALS Dec 2015. Had to put down my 15yo cat Jan 2016. My favorite aunt died March 2016. My mother died Aug 2016. My 45 yo nephew Glenn died of sepsis Jan 2017. My mother in law died March 2017. Had to put down my 20 yo cat Aug 2017. Had to put down 17 yo cat March 2018. My uncle Jim died 2019. My 45 yo nephew Brian died April 2020. My uncle Grady died April 2020. My sister Bonnie died of cancer July 2021. I want to die bc everyone I cared for has died. I tell people they don’t want to get close to me. I feel cursed. I can’t stop grieving. I’m in perpetual grief. Sometimes I can’t breathe.
I lost my mom 20 years ago and she was such a loving and caring person to everybody and she was a doctor and she was diagnosed with cancer she was 30 years old and I felt like my heart dropped and my life was going uphill when my mom was here and know it’s going downhill and I lost my dad he jumped off a highway and he was only 45 I miss both of them very very much and they were great I mean great parents and my mom’s name was Brenda and my dad’s name was Camron.
It’s been 5 months now my mother passed away from lung cancer. And such a long year an a half ! I’m the next to the youngest of 4 children. We found out she had cancer in 2009. She sat us all down to discuss when it came the time who is to make the decisions. She also explained to each child why she wasn’t chosing them to play that part. I was chosen as her power of attorney for medical, and all the rest. Looking back at that discussion we thought of having to make a decision to take her off of a machine. Until last February. I was living in Ohio for awhile and things weren’t going well as well as my mom was getting sick alot more as well as got diagnosed with early dementia. I came back to Indy and we moved in together. Within a few months I had patched up things with an old boyfriend to then watch him be sentenced to prison. Dealing with a young adult on drugs trying to save him. Then walking in on my mother the first time without her memory. It lasted a day. Then a month later it happened again. She had fell out of bed and blacked her eye. That day will always haunt me! It hurt .. We never from that day left her alone. This was march 2020. My oldest son moved in with me and he helped sit with her while I worked or ran errands. He was a godsend. Within 3 months dealing with everything trying to cope I tried committing suicide twice . When I realized it wasn’t my time I shared my suicide letter with my children and family hoping to let them see I needed their help. I know it hurt my children an it devastated my mother. She sat me down with tears coming down her cheek and asked me to promise I’d never do it again. I promised!! I truly believe that promise I made is why I’m able to write this story. I never would lie or break a promise to my mother. I’m thankful that was instilled in me. I am the strong one out of my mother’s children. I now know it is something”us” strong ones are both with. I can see in my mother’s body language as well as her glassy eyes when something was wrong. She didn’t want to tell any of us fr fear of being admitted in the hospital while the coronavirus was now allowing visitors. I would always talk her into letting the paramedics at least have a listen. They had a way of talking her into going each time. My mother always knew I’d do the right thing even if I knew it hurt her. For Her… My baby sister and my oldest only brother were babies lol. She could always make them feel guilty and wouldn’t have to go. I didn’t fall for it. Our other sister lives in Texas. The siblings living here was in denial and my mom always had me chasing them around town looking for them. Until I got in my last argument with them over honestly nothing an I went off myself got into therapy an on depression medicine. The whole month of Sept I didn’t talk to anyone except my daughter. I was a mess and just wanted to get better. Then the first week of October my sister messaged that mom was put on hospice. Given 6 months or less to live. For a week at least I drove over to help out an always was there all day. One day she called and needed help and couldn’t get my sister to wake after hollaring her name alot. I drove over and my mom was so confused. Some of her meds were open and knocked over with pills missing. So we sat down an I said how bout we take turns. I stayed with her one night then we would all 3 switch. Couple days later we decided for her to move in with me. I’d been seeing someone I’d known a long time and he didn’t mind at all. Within a month I realized I was going to be doing this with mom alone without help from my 2 siblings living in town. My boyfriend an I had to take shifts alot due to her dementia. As she tried walking outta the house. I admit I was mentally, emotionally drained. By December I couldn’t deal with having a relationship. But had to live there due to how sick she was. Family was in an out. Judgemental, criticism and so much more I heard . My sister in Texas called the police to my house and told them my mother wasn’t being cared for right. I was accused of being on drugs, pills . I admit I lost my mind from the craziness and that’s not even including what I went through caring for my mother 24 hours a day. Never leaving an if I did never that long . Early this year she got bad and hospice give her less than 24 hours. Her blood pressure was under 80 . The next day mothers vitals were normal ! This happened 2 more times an I finally told them she’ll go when she’s ready. I couldn’t handle hearing a time frame again. We’re in March now an I didn’t realize how bad everything was affecting me . Until I chugged a bottle of Xanax and barely remembered anything after. Including an argument between me and my oldest son. That hurt him so bad he didn’t come back for a few days. I didn’t try to kill myself. I now know I was just trying to escape everything I was being put through that surrounded my mother’s care. I didn’t have to , I told myself many times , I’m doing this for mom. I’m a good hearted person. Of course always had a very bad temper. Anyone who understands this knows that getting upset like that someone has to bring it out of you. I read alot while caring for mom. I learned every detail about the end of life stages. I had fun with mom on her good days. I always found a way to find fun in it. I always tried getting family together to do little things together. Like we painted little rocks together in her bedroom floor. I was proud of myself for actually getting everyone together for her last Thanksgiving! We celebrated her last birthday! Middle of February. After that she was pretty much bed ridden. The beginning of April it was around the clock medicine. Every 2 hours. At this te my stepmom and brother was helping alot .. She was weaker. She didn’t eat anything anymore and didn’t drink much. It was very hard to watch and very hard to cope with everything I was dealing with all at once. My daughter was pregnant with her first child. My youngest son just lost to twins .. my oldest son had lost his father a couple years earlier and was coping with the loss . I missed my grandchildren that lived an hour away . I had put my life on hold but felt guilty from all the criticism and judgement I delt with. But one thing I can say is even though I dealt with all that pain and hurt , I was patient with my mom, I kept her clean and warm . I talked to her about things even when it didn’t make since . As well as helped her ask God for forgiveness when she didn’t think she was going to heaven and was scared. We didn’t grow up in church. I always believed in God . My mother never really talked about the subject so it was never brought up until her last days. An as the months now go by and my memory is getting a little better I think about her last days an I realized I’m the one who got my mom ready for heaven. I realized I did a lot of my grieving while she was alive. I also realized that not everyone is strong willed like me ! Sometimes when I think about it I honestly can’t believe I made it through the painful last days with my mother without ending up in a mental hospital. I’m so thankful I was blessed to share my mom’s last days with her! I’m proud of myself for getting through it alone and now knowing I don’t need to hear what a great job I did because I know in my heart I did something great ! I also know now that grief is different for every person on our planet. At the beginning I judged. Now I just continue to use the heart that was given to me. I’m learning slowly how to live without mom here and go on with my life.. My 2 siblings aren’t doing well with her death. My little sister said she wants to be with my mom. She has totally given up on life. I broke down crying yesterday and told her mom doesn’t want her there yet! She wants you to smile an enjoy life. Enjoy your son and grandchildren the way she did. I believe mom had a hard time leaving us because our parents need to know and hear from us we will be okay if they go. My mom knew my baby sister and my brother wasn’t going to be ok. She ended up passing the end of May , 5 days after my granddaughter was born. My mother also got to meet her great granddaughter. She died 2 days later. An I found her .. I always knew I was a pretty strong person! But, never in a million years would I ever think I could make it through everything. I almost didn’t!! An I’m not angry at my family anymore as we all were grieving and dealing with our first loss of family. I also just won’t tolerate anything of that nature again. I did it for my mother. And now almost 6 months later I’m doing great! I’m still grieving her death, probably will forever. But I know in my heart that I grieved mom while she was here and mom got me through a lot of it while I was helping her get ready for heaven!! I love you mom.. Sherry
It’s been 1/5 years since my 2 sisters passed. I have kept any pics of them out of sight … not wanting to experience the overwhelming grief … because the first day, I fell on the floor crying, was WAY too overwhelmed, had to stop and “get a grip”.
Since then, it’s been a crazy loss of memory, a brain that barely works cognitively and no doctor can figure it out. I had many tests for dementia but passed each of them. Eventually I stopped eating (just couldn’t do it, wasn’t hungry) and lost 42 pounds. Positive note … didn’t need pills for cholesterol or high blood pressure anymore. Laugh, just need new clothes that fit.
Now that I’ve read about Grief & Losing Your Mind ….. where do I begin ??? How do I start grieving, if that’s what I need to do. Or maybe just start with displaying their pictures again in my suite ???
meant to say 1.5 years … NOT 1/5
Thank you for the article!
My story not as worst as other people here, but weeks after breakup from 7 years relationship, my brain feel weird, its like I forgot how to function, example thinking to get then blank. its happen for whole day, and I feel urge to sleep till even 12 hours
seem all your word above is explained what happen to me, the sad and anger part already gone, but the memory loss problem is new to me, just hope it gone soon
In 2020, I lost my best friend to suicide. A month later my dad passed away from cancer. In November 2021, I lost my baby brother in a horrific car accident. He was like a son to me.
I’m doing therapy and trying to do everything right but the days are getting harder and harder. I feel like I’m losing everyone. I’m waiting for the call saying this family member is gone too. Or will it be me? I’m scared, I don’t feel safe and I miss my baby brother so much.
Watching my mom go through the same thing is heartbreaking. I truly am losing my mind. This website is something I always come back to. Megan’s book grief journal is amazing but I can’t even get myself to write in it. I feel like I’m stuck and don’t know where to go next.
I am approaching the year anniversary of my husband’s death. We were together for 38 years. The final 6 years of his life he suffered from Alzheimer’s disease, a chronic infection, and end stage renal disease. I retired early, sold our house, moved closer to our son and took care of my husband for 6 years.
When his hip broke there was nothing they could do with his rapidly failing health. Tuesday, May 24 is the year anniversary. I feel like I am right back at the beginning of his loss. I’m so tired of crying all the time. Everyone irritates me. I feel like every one is tired of my grieving. I want only to be alone. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I keep just going through it a day at a time. But I am getting tired of the pain of loss.
I am approaching the year anniversary of my husband’s death. We were together for 38 years. The final 6 years of his life he suffered from Alzheimer’s disease, a chronic infection, and end stage renal disease. I retired early, sold our house, moved closer to our son and took care of my husband for 6 years.
When his hip broke there was nothing they could do with his rapidly failing health. Tuesday, May 24 is the year anniversary. I feel like I am right back at the beginning of his loss. I’m so tired of crying all the time. Everyone irritates me. I feel like every one is tired of my grieving. I want only to be alone. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I keep just going through it a day at a time. But I am getting tired of the pain of loss.
I’ve experienced a grief overload. In three years, the losses have not stopped. And none were related to Covid. I suffered from severe clinical depression when I was young, and survived it. I haven’t been able to pull myself out of this one, and losses keep piling on. I’m actively searching for grief overload. Is there a label for that?
I was living with my mum when she died 5 years ago. I was evicted from her home but my girlfriend invited me to live with her while I looked for somewhere to buy. We looked at a few properties but didn’t like them. I made some lame excuse not to view another.
A few months later, I received my inheritance and I was in a great financial position. I also found out that it was likely (but not certain) that my job may move in a couple of years from 25 miles away to nearer to my girlfriend’s (and other friends and church). I looked online at some lovely properties near my current work and near my girlfriend’s, but didn’t view them as I didn’t want a long commute. I thought I should wait until I knew where my job would be based. I continued to save but couldn’t work out why the houses seemed to be getting less affordable, so saved even harder. Eventually, my girlfriend dumped me, making me homeless. I’m priced out of the market now.
To this day, I really cannot understand how I didn’t realise that when I received my inheritance was the ‘right’ time to buy. There were so many reasons to buy a house near my girlfriend’s, but not many to buy one near where I was working. I can’t understand why I didn’t think about inflation. I may have been overwhelmed with what I could suddenly afford and just lost any rationality. I am a qualified accountant, yet my skills and knowledge in Finance eluded me. I have gone from the chance of having a bright future to being a homeless, depressed wreck.
first I want to thank each and everyone of y’all for sharing your most horrific and traumatic experience of loss.I know all to well how the empty ness takes over …I lost my youngest child in 2008 he was murdered (over a girl ) shot in the chest with a 12 gauge see my babys dad was very abusive and held my son away from me using him like I could only see my boy if I would mess round with him telling my son stuff like I didn’t love him and way deeper things than I wana say of course my son STEVIE would always sneak and see me after he got old enough to really see the truth Stevie turned 18 the 29th of January in 2008 this was a Friday and for the first time since he was 5 he was coming to Dallas to live with me I can remember how excited I was only to get woke up round 2am on mother’s day May the 10th to my daughter having to tell me Stevie was dead (I’m sure I died at that moment) and I can honestly tell you I don’t remember much of the next 2 months didn’t even get out of bed till my other 2 children daught that was 2 years older than Stevie and my oldest son which was 3 years older come set on my bed and said “Momma please get up we are still alive and need you” so I did and I at the time considered myself to be coping as well as anyone could going threw that but within another 6 months 9 in total from Stevies death my mom which was my rock trying to cope with loosing my child all sudden got a knot on her head and turned out it was a brain tumor they did brain surgery twice but within 3 months of finding the tumor she was dead I think my body or brain must have went into complete shock and shut down …my last words to my mother were “please tell my baby I miss him” and then 10 months later my only other rock “MY MAMAW” passed away …all I can say that I honestly fully know is I’m not the ME I use to be but at the same time I can’t remember me before all this …my life has been like so not the way I was …I can’t have long term relationship I don’t have ANY friends alot by choice I’m still so angry and don’t do anything don’t go anywhere and most the time I want to be alone but on the other hand I feel like all this screwed me up so bad no one likes me I have no future far as in my head I HATE LIVING and honestly knowing how much it hurts loosing your mother is why I’m still here cause I don’t want my daughter to have to feel that …will I ever be right again will I ever be loved again will I ever want to live …. I so relate to the person that wrote about feeling like I’m bothering people if I cry or even talk bout my son …my 2 kids living get so mad at me for worrying bout them so much but if they don’t call or answer the phone and ik they post to at that time or one minute late and my mind automatically jumps to the highest level of anxiety feeling that they are dead like Stevie 😭😟 is there help ? will I ever be right again ? is all my trauma because of me not being able to have a relationship is it me I don’t know but I know I can’t go on like this … a part of me wants my joy back I want to be happy I want to have good days instead of feeling like I’m wrong for having a good day I don’t want to die feeling the way I do but I don’t want to live the way I do feel !!!! I’m sorry I wrote so much and once I got started I didn’t stop if any of you want to chat let me know I’m not sure if I’m allowed to put my phone number on here but my email is l u c y l u g g [email protected] thank you for listening
I have felt like I was going crazy so I’m glad to hear this is normal. I lost my dad in late 2021 to COVID and less than a year later my Grandpa. My family is mostly suffering in silence and hiding it very well. I am exploding inside and I still can’t understand how I’m supposed to live in a “normal” life without my dad. Everything makes me feel either on edge, angry or in darkness. Now I can’t remember anything. I’ll even be talking and forget the words I’m looking for or even what I was talking about at all. I’m consumed with living in grief and my mental illnesses.
Once you lose someone you love so much the depression and anxiety you already have expand so fast.
I hope someday my mind clears a bit and I can pay attention and talk like a normal person again. I feel very alone.
I lost my dad in 2021. I’m 25 yrs old now…ive lost most of my family. grandpa in 2020, grandma in 2022. it’s just my mom and 2 siblings left. Mom was broken when dad died…it was unexpected, and I was traveling. I didn’t hear about it until I landed. I remember my legs giving out under me and I just…don’t remember June of 2021. Now it’s 2023, and I’ve changed. I have less patience, I forget so much…all the time. I feel so unorganized mentally and no matter how hard I try I’m just left behind by my peers. I have bad days, and now they’re not excused anymore. I pretend around friends and family bc my grief is now an annoyance. My memory loss is scaring me and annoying other’s. I can’t talk to anyone. It’s been 2 years almost…no one cares anymore. It’s reassuring to know my memory might correct itself but I really do feel like I’m losing my mind. I keep relationships by just not talking about it…being quiet has helped me pretend to be normal when socializing. sometimes, a friend will open up a safe space to talk about it all, which is nice. My friends have supported me heavily, I’m trying my best to give back by being better for them, even if it’s all an act. I’ve taken to restricting my intake of food to feel some sort of control, I am obsessed with “bettering” myself. I can’t break the cycle…I really just feel left behind and alone.
The love of my life recently transitioned into eternity with Jesus. I say transitioned instead of died, because I know his spirit lives on. But my faith in God doesn’t ease my pain. Sometimes I feel like I’m underwater suffocating and I can’t breath. I miss hugs and kisses. I watch him slip away in a hospital bed and I was helpless and I couldn’t stop it from happening. I am confused, forgetful, can’t make decisions, and can’t seem to process information. When I read I don’t understand what I just read. I forget what I’m talking about in a conversation. I’m not sleeping. How could the man I loved for 40 yrs…just disappear? I thought I had dementia until I read this article. Now I know I’m not alone. I am lost and empty.