Finding the right therapist is hard in just ordinary life. It’s a weird thing, right? You enter a string of search terms, looking for some stranger who will listen to all the stuff you won’t (or can’t) tell anyone else.
It takes a lot of courage to look for a therapist. But what happens when your life has legit gone sideways – your baby died, or your partner went missing after their usual bike ride, or your perfectly healthy sister died of a fast-moving cancer?
Finding support in your deepest grief is seriously hard. Let talk about things to look for in a good grief therapist.
Broadly speaking, while looking at a therapist’s website I’d avoid terms like: positive psychology, resilience, strengths-based, or anything that speaks of grief in terms of “recovery.” Be extra cautious if someone references “complicated grief.” That’s often code for viewing grief as a disorder. Their approach might be empathetic, but they might believe that grief is a problem to be solved. If you see that term, ask more questions.
If it’s relevant to how your person died, look for the term “trauma informed” in their expertise and training. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) isn’t necessarily bad. If they’re using it as a way to help you interrupt obsessive thought spirals, or change behavior, it’s probably fine. If they’re using it to get you to stop grieving, that’s a flat no.
Once you’ve sorted a handful of websites based on their language, experience, and general vibe, check out their social media channels: what sorts of things do they post? Are they heavy with platitudes? Does their website or social media go heavy with the rainbows and “you are stronger than what’s happened to you!” garbage? Or do they seem thoughtful, aware of trauma and its long reach? Just based on what they post, you can weed out the hard noes and get yourself a short list of maybes.
Once you have a list, this short video goes through a bunch of questions you can ask the person in what should be a free first phone call or email volley. You’ll get super useful info from their answers.:
Be prepared for it to be a bit tedious, and to find a lot of junk before you find a good one. There ARE good people out there. It takes a bit of sleuthing to find them, but they’re out there. Once you have your short short list of people who pass the website, social media, and initial questions tests, try them out.
Remember that you don’t need to have a “good reason” to not like someone. Therapy is FOR YOU. Ask for what you want.
It’s helpful for both parties if you write out a list of what you’re looking for in therapy itself: Do you need help with things like panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, sleep issues, relationship challenges, etc? Are you looking for ways to find, if not joy, then contentment or interest in life alongside your grief? Do you need a place where you can talk openly without working on any “strategy” – not the terrible solve grief strategy, but strategy around improving sleep, decreasing panic, etc. – this might mean you’re looking for validation and listening from your therapist, more than anything else.
Knowing roughly what you want out of therapy helps you know whether someone is a good match at the outset, and also helps you decide whether you’re getting what you need.
You just got up the courage to see a therapist, and as your story unfolds, they look at you like a deer in headlights. Just - no. Finding a great grief therapist is hard. Let's make it easier for you. Click To TweetYou deserve good support, from as many skilled sources as possible. One great place is the Writing Your Grief course. No platitudes, no advice, no cheerleading – just acknowledgement, support, and true community. The next session opens soon. We saved a place for you.
How about you? How’s your search for a great grief therapist going? What do you wish therapists would know about grief? Let us know in the comments. And therapists? Let me know what you wish you knew. We’re building stuff to help you be more awesome.
Grief is really rough. It takes a toll on your mind, your body, your relationships – everything. Feeling like you’d rather not wake up in the morning is very different than thinking about actually harming or killing yourself. Please. If your pain is too great, reach out for help. There are people who have been where you are.
If you are in crisis, call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, a free, 24-hour hotline, at 1.800.273.8255. If your issue is an emergency, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. Additional helplines – including those outside of the US – can be found here. The content and comments sections on Refuge in Grief are not a substitute for compassionate, skilled care in your chosen communities. For more on the limits to the service we provide, please read our safety page, here.
Wonderful, dear Megan. Blessings to you, and thank you ♥
Your book was just delivered! Thank you for your website and your wonderful philosophy!
When you said, “to bear witness to that which cannot be fixed,”…it was like someone finally said something that made sense to ma after three years. Thank you. I am glad that a sister in grief directed me to your blog.
I tried many therapists and finally, in desperation, I consulted an old friend of thirty years who is a psychiatrist. I checked with her first, to see if she felt comfortable with my seeing her, at least for one session. She has a fabulously successful practice and I thought it might be worth a try. She told me to “get a grip,” and that I was being too needy and would only alienate people with my sadness and neediness. She also advised me to compartmentalize and I had no idea what that was supposed to look like. All in all, it felt quite harsh. I thanked her, and left. I finally went back to a wonderful therapist I had when my family and I lived abroad. She is naturally empathic and bright and even fun. I’m still a little stunned by the reaction or recommendation of my psychiatrist friend.
Wow ,
I just had a 20
meeting with a potential new therapist as
mine is unfortunately retiring at end of year.
I asked the questions you mentioned to ask and looked
at her website.
She answered exactly what I would do want her to say.
I mentioned your name and she loves you! She actually looks so much like her.
I am going to give her a try.
Thanks for your help.
Kim
Hilary’s mom💕
that’s AWESOME.
Love your book. I purchased it on audio as I can not read without rereading the same page over and over. I listen over and over as it gives me some peace. My dad died of cancer this past September and out of all of my family including my mom I feel like I am going crazy. Overloaded with such grief my days are in a haze. Thank you for your book.
If you’re facing grief of child loss, infertility, or childlessness, be sure to not only ask if your therapist is pregnant, but also ask how they will handle the situation if they become pregnant during the span of your treatment. I found out the hard way that they won’t always put your needs first to keep a safe space safe.
Thanks for the tip that I should be wary about the usage of the term “complicated grief”. I’m currently looking for a grief an loss therapy expert because my best friend recently lost her mother to cancer. She has become quite a recluse for the past few months and I think closing herself off from the world is not a healthy way of coping.
After my brother was murdered I went to several “grief” therapists but none of them had any experience with traumatic loss. I’ve never found a right fit and feel like I’ve gotten so much more from your book than anything else. Since you’ve been through traumatic loss you understand.
I have been told I have a form of complicated grief due to my daughter’s intellectual disability. She is 19, and I have gone through years of DBT therapy, which has helped to a point. But I’m still really sad. Any suggestions? Thanks.
I found a good grief therapist through the local hospice agency. (He’s read your book and is a fan). In talking with others, appears many hospice agencies offer this. I was not involved with this hospice until I contacted them after my daughter’s death. Support has been really good.
Julie where is your therapist located I just lost my daughter Sept 21… I’m in Arlington tx.
I am one of the lucky ones who already had a wonderful therapist when my beloved husband of 28 years died suddenly and unexpectedly in April 2021. His support has been invaluable and I’m not sure I would have made it through without him. At one point I told him about your wonderful book, and shortly after, I saw it on his desk. His approach to assisting me with grief has evolved and his ability to support me has gotten even stronger. I know he sees other grievers besides me, so I am certain your book is reaching others who need it. Thank you so much. 💗
I really appreciate your words and approach to this unbearable pain—
This cannot be fixed — losing a son.. your person…a lifelong friend– your future — your hope….
So helpful to hear it’s ok that I am not ok
Broken Mama