When we talk about the skills needed to support a grieving friend, we’re not just talking about grief related to death. These are the kinds of skills we need for all of life’s hardships, from small everyday losses to life altering ones.
It’s so tempting to tell someone to look on the bright side, or suggest they “practice gratitude” or think about happier times. It’s harder – and so much more effective – to let their pain exist.
When you hear pain in the world, what are the sorts of things that jump immediately to your lips? Even with everything I know, my impulse is still something along the lines of “you’ve got this. This is hard, and you’ve got this.” Seems ok on the surface, but really? It’s just another way to dismiss someone’s pain.
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How about you? What are your habitual responses? If you’ve got something you’re using instead – like, “I’m sorry to hear that. Want to tell me about it?” – let us know in the comments!
I remember one time while helping out in my church, a woman I was working with on a project told me that her husband had recently passed away and I remember saying how sorry I was to hear that and I would remember her and her husband in my prayers. END OF STORY. Then years later, in November of last year I lost my husband to covid. People said the same old things people say when someone dies. So sorry for your loss. I will remember you in my prayers. Now that my husband has passed and I’m so sad and depressed, I think back on that day that I told my friend when she lost her husband that I would remember them in my prayers. How in the world could I think that could help in any way. The hurt and the loneliness that comes when you lose your husband or children can’t be helped by saying the words I said to my friend. I’m not sure what I’m looking for when friends acknowledge my husband’s death but it sure isn’t “I’ll remember you in my prayers”. Nothing so far has helped me now that I’ve gone through it. Not sure anything anybody says could help with the loneliness and sadness. I am now a WIDOW and I don’t want to be one.
I lost my husband suddenly in November. I relate to your feelings of loneliness and deep sadness. My therapist once told me that my grief is my walk, my journey. Nothing others say or do will take this pain and devastation away but acknowledging it and just being there helps a little. We can also communicate what helps us so they know what to do if they are receptive to our needs. Healthy human connections could help us heal.
I too have chastised myself with how I have responded to others in the past. I too lost my husband to covid last year. Part of this whole grieving process I have tried to learn to be more empathetic to others loss and I reflect on what helped me last year. Just the simple acknowledgement throughout the year that I was being thought of actually helped. I wasn’t forgotten in just a matter of weeks.
Maybe a reply could be… “I am very sorry, do you want to say anything about it & how you feel?”
I am soo sorry! I too lost my fiancé of 12 years to covid this past December. I was in a coma also with covid and he died in his sleep a month and a half before I woke up. No goodbyes no closure. He was taken from me and I can’t function with the survivors guilt , my ongoing illness and knowing he would want me to function and be here with my kids but I feel like everyday just is a continuation of the worst day of my life. People say the stupidest things. No one can handle the things that come out of me. Everything can trigger my meltdowns. I can not be grateful to be alive when this life I woke up to is soo wrong. Because we were not married His family has basically disregarded me. 12 years we were a family he raised my kids with me and I get nothing ! No respect , no help , no peace. I guess I will get a necklace of ashes and my kids a small stone of ash but how is that enough when we lost our rock and head of our family. my life feels like the end scene of Romeo and Juliet, only I lived . I don’t know how to move forward. I am doing my best but everyone wants you to just move on and I just can’t.
I was struck by your story and am wondering how things are going for you today. As you say, that the 2 of you were not married does not diminish one iota the extent and meaning of your loss.
Grieving is a process of which there is not a timeline or words that can fill an empty space in your heart.
People often do not know what to say so they say they are sorry or they will pray. Saying something is better than not saying or doing anything.
Doing something for them like a caring card or sending a flowers or food at least
says you have not forgotten about their loss.
For some, just a hug or squeeze of your hand says everything.
What you don’t say is “I know how you feel”, no one knows because we all
are different with different feelings!
You hit the nail on the head about “I know how you feel”. I physically cringe when I hear that or see it written. Nobody, absolutely nobody, knows how another person feels. Every relationship is unique. Every loss is unique. None can be generalized to spouse loss or child loss (I can’t begin to imagine 😞) or even loss of an elderly parent.
Thank you for this important point.
A dear friend sat with me in a restaurant and we talked. As my eyes filled with tears and ran down my cheeks she grabbed my hand, held it and didn’t let go. She said, “I can’t imagine how you feel but I am here for you.” Just a few words that made all the difference.
❤️
Take a lunch/supper to them and sit and eat with them! Even if they only eat a bite or two, having some companionship will go a long way.
I lost my husband last Feb. I am crying as I type. I am a ghost. I am lost. I lost two sons, 1994 and 1999. I have walked this path for many a long year, but all joy has fled my life, in this moment of journey. The pain and loss have punctured my soul. My being, my essence, the part me that was once whole cries out silently, most days, for my lost love. He was my rock.
When you loose your husband there is really nothing joyous in life. We walk this walk but with dead souls inside us
Sadly that is a perfect description of how we feel. I’m sorry
That says it perfectly.
I have had my husband die in 2015 and a child die before that in 2004. While my grief is still present, it is not as sharp and right below the surface of everything I think, say, or do. It took me some time to be able to realize this and the only thing I can recommend is be around others who understand who you can listen to and they can listen to you (both with respect and understanding) It doesn’t have to be someone going through identical situations but that can be a start. Several of my friends who helped had gone through life threatening health issues and just get the state I was in. It takes time and effort, reading, thinking. Sometimes helping others is a way to give yourself a break.
Ugh, ‘in my thoughts’. This little video is so very helpful. Mum and eldest sister died within months in 2021. Both expected, thankful even – mum had had mixed dementia for 15 years, sister cancer for 5 and finally a brain tumour – but still I’m badly affected, and subsequently lost a short-lived new job, too. My little family are watching me, not quite knowing what will help, for most I am ‘in thoughts’. But I am OK to be here, grieving. I don’t have to be anything else. I can walk in trees, drink tea, sleep and just be. Thank you.
Each and every one of your comments gave me loving support, knowing I am not alone AND my thoughts are shared with other loving people. The losses are so significant, so on target, so full of passion and of course so full of love lost. Thank you for helping me with your soulful comments. I am truly so very sorry for each and every one of your horrible losses. Megan has been a guiding light and I so appreciate her outstanding contributions at this heavy, heavy time.
The movie Wind River is so good but very difficult to watch. At the end, two parents who have experienced loss are visiting. One asks the other “do you have time to sit with me?” Of course he says yes. That shows how important our presence is for others.