I’ve been recording a lot of interviews lately (be sure to check out the whole list of podcasts here!). One thing they all seem to have in common: the interviewer asks me about how my work – and my life – relate to Matt’s death. They want to know if I’m…. recovered.
“Recovered” is such a strange word. I mean, I can talk all day about grief, and about why this work matters. And my voice still cracks when I tell his story. Our story. That it’s been several years since his death, that I’ve told the story – his story, our story, mine – a million times, doesn’t matter. It’s not just a story. It still matters. It still hurts.
Even though I am largely “fine,” these years out from Matt’s death, it is still inconceivable to me that that man is dead. DEAD. WTH.
What’s more, I can’t believe I survived. In those early days (months, years), the thought of a good life – any life – was horrifying to me. And yet, here I am. Happy. Despite the gaping hole in my life his death created. Despite missing him, missing our life, missing that person I was back then. Life grew in and around that crater, in ways I could not have imagined (in fact, resented and resisted) in those early days.
It’s a weird reality.
So when I’m asked, in conversation after conversation, about my recovery, this is how I respond: I didn’t die back then, much as I may have wanted to. In the early days, I was horrified – disgusted – with the very idea that I would ever be “okay,” let alone happy. I couldn’t see any way that could happen, and not diminish Matt’s place in my life, in our life.
That it’s happened – of its own accord – still surprises me. I’m so thankful for it, and – it’s still a little strange.
However long it takes, your heart and your mind will carve out a new life amid this weirdly devastated landscape. Little by little, pain and love will find ways to coexist. Click To TweetThe truth is, being happy now does not negate the pain of his death. They don’t cancel each other out. I carry both of them. Those two realities share the same space, side by side. They most likely always will.
If you’re wrestling with the idea (from inside yourself or from others around you) that at some point, you’ll be “okay,” please know that it’s absolutely normal to feel freaked out by the idea.
However long it takes, your heart and your mind will carve out a new life amid this weirdly devastated landscape. Little by little, pain and love will find ways to coexist. It won’t feel wrong or bad to have survived. It will be, simply, a life of your own making: the most beautiful life it can be, given what is yours to live.
Both things will always be true.
We talk lots more about this in my book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief & Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand, in my new grief journal, How to Carry What Can’t be Fixed, and in the almost-monthly Writing Your Grief sessions. Check out both! Finding a beautiful life that doesn’t ignore or gloss up the reality of grief isn’t easy – both of these resources can help you find your way.
How about you? Are you in a place where the thought of having any kind of good life feels – horrible? If you’ve experienced good things since your loss, how do you understand that coexistence of loss and goodness? Let us know in the comments.
Megan,
I just recently found your page. What I appreciate so much is your writing itself. Not only are your words gentle (as I imagine you to be) but they give permission for all and any responses.
Two years after my daughter died (and five years after my fiancé) I was housesitting for two months in Tasmania. A house with floor to ceiling windows and a vista that defied words. It was there that I recall an experience of joy. Joy!
For so long it had seemed an impossibility. In fact, I never even thought about it showing up on my radar again.
Most days I let it find me. Others, I was upended. A thump to the side of the head, as if I’d just heard she’d been killed in a plane crash. No, joy, now she was gone might always be just a hair’s width from what it once was. How could it not? And this. Was this joy, mine alone? Or was it theirs too?
Grief is so complicated. Paradoxically, it was only because of Rachel and Bob that I was there. This debt of guilt tempered my joy. Not a day passed without holding these two opposing feelings.
Wow. I just found this site and have been have been drinking in your posts. I’m relieved to know I’m not alone. (Though I don’t wish this kind of pain on anyone). It is such a relief to find a place that doesn’t offer plastic, easy answers, platitutes, or admonishments.
It has been 4 months since I lost him. I never thought it was possible to feel so much pain. I could never prepare for how a person could be so devastated, in such utter hell, and still survive. If living means a continuation of this pain, I don’t want to be alive. But knowing that one day I might be ok… That one day I might be happy… There is a thread of hope there.
No one understands what grief does to you unless they’ve been there. I’ve been chided and lectured for wallowing more times than I can count. Because its been 4 months and I am still devastated. Yes, I hear what well meaning people say. I am trying to move on. Yes, I want to “Let go and let God.” I’m fucking trying. But the pain really is too much to bear right now. Day and night the grief stabs me without relief, no matter how people tell me to “just put my mind on other things,” I can’t shut it off. The grief is there, endless, relentless. I CAN’T make it go away. I’m trying, but I can’t.
The truth is, I don’t want to be here. But I am still here.
Someday, maybe I will be ok. But today I am not. And like your book says, “It’s ok to not be ok.” That makes me feel a little more human… Not so crazy afterall. Thank you so much.
Hey Annemarie, hang in there. 4 months is early days. To imagine much past getting through a day is huge. And you don’t need to. You don’t need to go anywhere or do anything. You will, if you’re ready. And you won’t if you’re not. I’m sorry you feel chided and lectured. Remember, that wherever you are is wherever you are. No-one can change that. Please remember, this is your journey. Yours.
How you’re feeling is how I’ve feel everyday since I lost my daughter she was 26 years old, I’ve been numb to everything and everyone. I lost both my parents in 2003 3 1/2 months apart mom 52 Dad age 53, in 2006 I lost my cousin who was like a brother to me, losing my parents and my cousin is no comparison to losing my daughter she is my only child. With each passing day brings more hurt to me not having her here with me. This is complete hell to me.
Tracy, I too, lost my only child, a son, 28. It is almost two years ago. This is a kind of loss, that is obliterating. So while I subscribe to this site, and love most of Megan Devine’s advice, I draw a line in the sand with this. Perhaps it will get different over time, but time is against me, as I lost my son at age 70 and now will face health issues. No legacy, no grandchild, just complete emptiness. To say I will find JOY again, is a betrayal. I have been stripped of my title: MOTHER. That title and role will never be fulfilled again, something I could never imagine would bring me 100% satisfaction. To understand this pain, you would have to walk in our shoes, lost an only child. I do not appreciate those who can move on in life, and experience both joy and pain. It is very different for us.
Tracy and Paula –
I honor the depth of your losses.
While my losses are very different (my children never got to be born due to infertility), I just wanted to validate the specific upheaval and devastation rendered by a child loss in any form leading to the loss of the life track of parenthood.
To have an entire life track wiped out at any stage of life – for me it was in my early forties when it seemed most others were humming along in the grooves of their careers and parenthood – well, it’s a whole level unto itself. I see you and I hear you.
Annemarie, I lost my partner 3 1/2 months ago. I know that others mean well, but until you are here, they can’t possibly understand. It really is okay to not be okay. I’m here but most days I don’t want to be. However, there are days when I do smile…. honestly.
I just lost my husband after a 25 year marriage and 2 children.most days I block my thoughts and avoid looking at his pictures because he still looks so much alive and present.I smile and laugh on the outside but inside of me I feel like I’m dying.still trying to find myself since before his death my other half was his and vice versa. I do what is needed of me but ultimately if I could I would lay still for as long as I could and try to process this new life without him and where do I start???
Right there with you been 3 mos since I loss my wife to a tragic fall my days are full of hallo gut renching pain and thoughts of her and sorrow sadness Will this feeling ever go away I don’t know but somehow I managed to go through day by day numb and lost
My husband passed 8 months ago we were married for 35 years and we were soul mates it was a sudden heart attack at home such a said heart wrenching time it has been done days I want to die and be with him this is the worst pain but I have wonderful family and friends that help so much. Grieving is the worst pain I hope it will get a bit easier with time
My husband died of a sudden heart attack 12 weeks ago today. Out granddaughter gor a huge honor in JMROTC, and my husband, the USMC fighter pilot would have been over the moon… i had never thought how happy news was going to be almost more heartbreaking than bad…
We found out Friday. it was a really tough weekend..
I lost my carl on Christmas day ..43 years .I cant function
Oh sweetheart, 4 months is still so soon to expect anything but the pain you feel! It has been 8 months this weekend since I lost my husband of 33 years. At 4 months I still wanted to die everyday. Eventually I realized I wasn’t going to die so I started working on building my new life I never wanted. Now I experience moments of joy and happiness, though I am still powerless to stop the tears when they want to flow. I miss Larry so much and wish he were here and part of the good things in my life now. I suspect I always will. All that to say, grief is a very personal journey and you alone have to go through it in whatever way is right for you. Don’t let anyone…anyone…tell you otherwise! The only thing I will tell you is to keep moving, try to do a little more each day to take care of yourself and those you love. And, when you just can’t, forgive yourself and try again tomorrow. I find myself praying more for others grieving and you will be one of them/us.
I understand completely your feeling that the pain is almost unbearable. That it may not end. There were times, after losing my husband, the love I had waited so long to find, that I thought I could not go on. The fist time ever that I felt that way. It is a struggle to meet every day. You have to cope with people’s unthinking advice on top of everything else. You’ll need to be your own best friend, and consider yourself the only one who knows best what’s right for you. I took the advice: “don’t turn down any invitation.” It was wrong for me & only increased the storm in my psyche. I cried like I never thought possible, held close to memories, took something to help me sleep, had a strong sister’s shoulder to lean on (she’d lost her only daughter) had so sone discussion with a “grief counselor” social worker with limited effectiveness. It will test you like nothing else but you can & will come through. Keep telling yourself that & anything else that comforts, relieves, gets you through the day. I wish peace for you & acceptance as you go forward in this new reality.
My heart is broken. Part of me rationalizes that one broken half is filled with the joy of the memories I have and and the other broken half is filled with pain of losing the only man I ever loved. Almost 40 years together and we let each other know daily the love we felt for one another. I’m eternally grateful for loving and being loved by him. That’s what helps me get through each day.
Wow. I don’t think I could describe how I feel better myself. I’m with you! I feel you! I’m right there with you – all of this! Next week will be one month since the love of my life left suddenly. And people will still tell me that I have to go on and fuss at me for not being able to get out of bed. I’m so thankful for this forum and to be able to see that I’m not alone.
It has been almost 23 years since the woman I adored died after Scleroderma slowly destroyed her body. When she stopped breathing, it was as if someone reached into my chest, grabbed my heart & ripped it out. I ate, worked and played – but there was no joy in anything. I decided that if this persisted for a year, I would drive across Canada visiting every place I lived & every person I liked. Once I got to the Atlantic Ocean – I would swim out as far as I could until I ran out of strength & that would be it.
As I was sitting on shore reminiscing about my life “ready to start swimming” I realized that once I was gone, everything Donna invested in me was also gone; it would be an insult to her Love for me if I killed myself. I had to put myself back together – her life & memory would continue through me.
It took a while longer when I found myself laughing with joy; not often but every now & then. A few more years after that until I accepted that she would want me to be happy & share my life with someone special. I have been with my present wife for 17 years; Jos is a Sweetheart – absolutely perfect for me!
I still miss Donna a lot; the world lost a great one when she died. But I know I honored her well with the life I am living…
Hello Annemarie.
I am now, where you were in April 2017. Trapped in a world of utter pain and despair.
We were married for 37 years, 36 of which were wonderful. That last year he was diagnosed, treated several times and suddenly died. And that last year is the only year in my memory bank. It haunts me day after day after day.
Everyone means well and tries to get me out/ distract me but they don’t realize my mind stays in the same place as always.
My heart is shattered.
This is my 1st visit to this site and I’m grateful to have found it.
My hope is that you’ve found at least a modicum of solace as well.
Oh God………….I just read this. My Significant Other of 25 years died in January, 2018…………metastatic cancer that we were assured would never happen. And, indeed, it happens so rarely the way it happened to him that his chief oncologist said Chuck’s was the third case he’d seen in 30 years of practice. He died within six weeks of the diagnosis, after a year when we thought we’d beaten his underlying cancer. He had a really horrible last month which overlapped our favorite season—-Christmas—-and he died 2 weeks before my 70th birthday, which we’d planned on celebrating big time. Now that entire time of year, once loved, strikes me as terrifying. I can’t begin to imagine ever getting through December, January, February again. It’s now been almost 4 months and I think about him endlessly. I just miss him so much, especially his wit. Nobody makes me laugh anymore. And it feels like, at 70, there isn’t enough time left in my life for me ever to feel any better. It’s so grim. Joyless. Frightening. Sad.
Hi Karen,
I just found this site and read your note and identified with your feelings. My husband died in February 2018 (a sudden heart attack). It is now 10 months and I feel I am getting worse in many ways as the reality of life without him forever becomes more pronounced. Christmas was our favorite time of the year too and I dread this year without him. I also miss his wit so much too — no-one can make me laugh anymore either. I hope we can help each other through this joyless, frightening and sad journey we have been thrust into.
I am 70 and my husband just died in front of me 16 years ago. I felt I still had a purpose as we had two adult children – a family to guide. But that was shattered when my daughter told me this year that I was toxic to her and her children and they are better off without me in their lives. Now again I am grieving for my husband because he would know what to do. Yet still I am making plans to live closer to out of state family and still maintain close contact with my other child. Life has broken my heart time and time again but in memory of my beloved husband I must go on and so you must as well. Best way to honor his memory
My husband died in April 2017 as well, from cancer they assured us would NEVER come back. I keep waiting to turn the corner. I just don’t think I will ever be happy again. Unless you have been through it, you will never understand the pain/grief. I try to keep my feelings inside because I know most people think, “it’s been almost four years, get over it.” I don’t think I ever will.
Am an alumnus of “Write Your Grief”. Am almost finished your book. You alone Megan, have brought a sense of NOW and NEXT to my life. Blessed to have discovered you. ❤️❤️❤️
It’s been one year and five days since I lost my husband, the love of my life. We were married just shy of ten years and his death was sudden. Traumatic. I miss him every day and struggle to get up and get through each day. I have incredibly supportive family and friends who don’t all get that this type of loss changes you. I’ll survive. I know that. But I won’t be the person I was. Thankful to have found this book and have given away many copies and will continue to do so as we expand the circle of people who understand grief.
Hi, My name is Jenn and 8 years ago I lost my son to cancer. He was just 23 years old. I am still as bad today as I was the day he took his last breath. I was okay when I lost my mother and father. They were older and I accepted it. This…..I cannot accept and will never accept. Nothing brings me joy ….I hate everyday, but I go on. I live by myself and started back work a couple of years ago. It’s in a office and is okay, but I can truthfully say I hate each and every day, but I go on. I have had counselling and all that but it does not help. What good is it sitting talking for hours about it – he is not coming back.
Hello
I too am a grieving mother. 17 months ago Josh died. I struggle daily. I feel guilty in those very brief moments I forget he’s gone. I can’t help you but just so you know you’re not alone in this nightmare.
Be gentle on yourself.
That’s good advise I will take myself.
Hi Jenn
I am sorry to hear about your son. You are right about how different it feels when a older relative passes away as opposed to a young son. I totally know how you feel as our middle 24y old son passed away 27th September 2018 after fighting a extremely rare and aggressive non hogkins lymphoma cancer for 3 yrs. He fought so hard and had a stem cell transplant with stem cells from his older brother but it was just too aggressive. He never complained and just got on with it and tried everything that they suggested. He passed away at home with all of us around him but watching him deteriorate and take his last breath, as his mum not been able to do anything to stop that is something that I will never get over and am always going over the situation in my head and if I had done anything different would he have survived but keep getting told I couldn’t have done any more. I have amazing support and go though the motions every day as I have to be there for my two other sons but the thought of living without him for the rest of my life is heartbreaking.
Sending love and hugs to everyone else who is grieving.
I am a few months out from my mother dying after caring for her in hospice, and lost my adopted dad (person I adopted as my dad basically 25 years ago) in November. A driver jumped in front of my car in November and my car was totaled (I am okay but totally shocked). I had to give up my house suddenly a year ago, and work two jobs as a single mom. Oh and menopause hit this year too! I also had a break up in Oct (from the stress of his caring for his mom who was gravely ill). My partner is back and been incredibly supportive and I have my beautiful son, and a new therapist. But no one ever told me of searing pain exhaustion brain fog nausea and panic through the days and nights losing my deepest support pillars of decades, and the PTSD past and present that came up. It’s one day at a time, every day. I have hope but this has been a walk through hell and it’s not over.
You dont deserve it either which is a common themefor all I dont take people for granted and now it seems paradise the other world we lived in some family members dont help the support you expected isnt there except from people here going through the same mental state love and care is needed mornings are bad eveni ngs mealtimes too much to cope we are together in this sympathy when I think for brief mins I can sense het next to mr tt
My soul mate and husband of 24 years died 9 months ago to cancer after almost a 2 year difficult battle. Actually I should say battles as he underwent numerous surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, radioactive iodine and radioactive beads, and the latest in immunotherapy. Meanwhile, we were constantly being told to think positive, stay strong, and don’t give up. He had everything possible done to him that currently exists and the cancer still took him from me in the end. I have been grieving nonstop daily and wonder if I will ever make it back to the surface again as I’ve fallen into this deep dark lonely abyss. The pain continues to persist and often seems unbearable. I have received unwanted and sometimes even cruel advice and comments like “what’s your problem? People die every day” or “you now have so many new possibilities in front of you”? It’s no wonder we distance ourselves from others. I’ve discovered that unless you have experienced such a loss, you have no clue how someone like myself could possibly feel. I am so grateful I discovered this site. Now maybe I can make my way back to the surface again.
I am so sorry. Your story sounds so much like what we went through. Chuck had been perfectly well his whole life, never even bothered with checkups……..what a guy! Was diagnosed out of the blue with esophageal cancer in June 2016. I knew the odds weren’t great, it’s a horrible disease, but I thought, OK, we’re lucky, we have good medical care, we’ll make it. And he had chemo, radiation, surgery, multiple hospital stays, a feeding tube for months……….and we thought, last summer, that he was doing well, clear scans, feeling stronger, could eat again. And I guess we had maybe six good months before he was slammed with a rare form of metastasis that occurs in something like 3% of all esophageal cancer patients. Nothing could be done. He died in six weeks. And he died in a grim, bad, awful way that never should have happened, especially after everything he’d already been through. It’s ruined my life. I used to be interested in a hundred things. Now I really don’t care. My younger sister has lived with us for over a decade, so I have her, but no kids, the rest of my family is thousands of miles away. Before he got sick, we moved to a new town that was supposed to be our retirement home, but he got sick so soon after that we’ve never had a chance to make many friends, so very isolated. And I retired from a career I loved thinking he’d need me……….a week after I retired, he died. So I just feel so lost. It’s truly the worst imaginable way to live. It’s like you hope you can somehow creep to the next hour.
So sorry. I have heard similar story’s since I go to a few groups. We work and get there and we take a hit with health. 2 coworkers died right before they got out the door. Another has stomach cancer a month after retiring. My wife and me was at our retirement home 2 weeks before she was told she had 6 months. I am at a beautiful lake alone and it all means nothing, hell in paradise. I just wish I knew if I will get better.
Your story is so much the same as mine. My husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in 2016, never ever sick. He went through chemo, radiation, surgery, feeding tube for 7 months. The best care in renowned hospitals. He even was in a trial for immunotherapy just for cancer patients who showed no evidence of disease and yet we only had about 6 fair months and then this horrid cancer spread. His death was agonizing and from the scan that showed the cancer had returned he passed away within 8 weeks. I am in disbelief that he is truly gone and my life will never be the same ever again. I am praying that I may have some joy and that this pain will lessen. We had only moved into a new home 2 days before the news of more cancer was delivered. So here I am.
My wife died 4 16 2017 her name was Terry. CJD killed her. Before she shut down she would lecture me about finding another and staying on track with our Lord God. 10 months after Terry dying I met a FB friend widow and fell head over heels for her and her me. Didnt last real long before she pulled away. It seems like it doubled the grief. I thought I was better before we met and my mind seemed to work better. Not now, I have 1/3 of a brain, depressed I am tired of saying fuck this or that and God Dammit. Its hard to move. I just need to believe I will have a life again someday and a brain that is not ate up with depression and self pity. I am still clean and sober 34yrs. PTL
My biggest fear is that I dont put a bullet in my brain now and in 5 yrs I am still in the same place or worse. For now there is 2 dogs and 2 cats to raise and not abandon. At least on line one can let it all hang out and no body freaks out. I have no words of hope. sorry x 100
Hi Greg, I am so, so sorry for your losses. I know how you feel. I was married for 31 years to my HS sweetheart. We had 2 beautiful grown children, a daughter and a son. They were both in college when 9/11 struck. My 19 year old son came home from school one day and said, “Mom, I’m quitting school. I just enlisted in the Marine Corps.” WHAT? NO! OH, HELL NO! I tried to talk him out of it but his dad said it “would make a man out of him”. Once again, WHAT?? My son left for boot camp 1/13/02 and I thought that was the worst day of my life. I knew we were headed to war and couldn’t imagine how I would handle that. My son did three deployments to Iraq. Almost back to back; 9 or 10 months in the sandbox, home for 2 or 3 and then right back over there. When our son was on his second deployment, my husband left me. I came home from work, found him sitting at the kitchen table. He wouldn’t look at me. Said to sit down, he had something he needed to tell me. I fell to my knees. I just knew something had happened to our son. He told me he had been having an affair with a coworker for the past year and he was leaving me. He wanted a divorce. Got up from the table, got a suit case that he had packed and walked out the door. I thought I was having a heart attack…or was in the worst nightmare anyone could ever imagine. It was truly a nasty divorce. It took almost a year to get it finalized and really I just gave up fighting with him and needed to concentrate on my son. He was in Fallujah for his third tour. His dad emailed him that he “wouldn’t be home when he was discharged but would catch up with him.” Again…. WHAT? My son endured horrendous casualties to his unit and was involved in a horrible blast that left him with a TBI. When he got back home, I knew something was horribly wrong. The VA diagnosed him with PTSD and TBI, which they did nothing for. PTSD, fill ’em full of pills. TBI, rest, you’ll get better eventually. My son lived with me and I saw every single day and night how horrible he struggled. The VA just kept doing the same thing…take more pills. He started drinking very heavily and that turned into a catastrophe…I worried he would have a car accident and hurt himself or someone else. About 3 years of this, he finally got a job at Dayton National Cemetery in Dayton, OH. He seemed to do a 360 turn around for the better. I didn’t think a job there was good for him after all he had been through but he worked with all young Veterans and he considered it an “honor to lay his fallen brethren to rest in such a beautiful, serene place.” He met a girl who had a little 3 year old son. He bought a house and was fixing it up. But still the demons would creep in from time to time and he would go in the deep, dark hole and I worried about him. He lived an hour away. Many nights I would drive up there at midnight and later to check on him. He would call and was so drunk I couldn’t understand a word he was saying. I tried to get his dad on board to help but he had “a new life” then and didn’t want to be bothered. On the morning of 1/3/12 my son sent a text that he just couldn’t imagine living to be an old man with all he had endured: the war, the divorce of his parents, the loneliness of no one understanding, the SHAME he felt because he wasn’t the man he was raised to be. I jumped in the car and literally flew to Dayton. When I turned on to his street, the first thing I saw was the coroner’s van in his drive way. Please God, this can’t be happening. But it was….and it did. He shot himself in the chest with the shot gun we had gotten him for his 16th birthday (he was an avid deer hunter). It was over. My life as I knew it was over. And seven and a half years later, I can’t get my shit together. I retired after I lost my son. Bad decision. I have way too much time on my hands to think….I’ve gotten little part time jobs here and there but it was all so meaningless. And my anxiety and depression creeps up on me when I least expect it. So….here I sit in the house day after day trying to find a way out of his debilitating despair….I have a beautiful daughter that I love more than life itself. She can’t have children so I will never be a grandma….and at 62 the chances of ever meeting another mate seem ridiculously low. I am like you Greg….would it be so terrible to leave a world where all you know is sadness and loneliness? Where your friend and family have given up on you because they “can’t stand to see you so sad”. I’ve tried everything I can think of to help, meds (WRONG way to go), therapy, grief seminars and workshops. You name it. If I had the $$ I would like to find a grief retreat where I could go for 2 or 3 months to get myself back into a routine, learn to socialize again and try to have some kind of life before I kick the bucket….but my underlying thought every day is, “I want to be with my son. I want this pain and misery to end”. But I can’t do that to my daughter. She lost her brother so now she is an only child. Her dad abandoned her after the divorce. And while she still has me I will admit I’m not much of a mom to her. And I’m ashamed of that…Stuck in the darkness and don’t know how to get out….
Never did I believe I could hurt this much! There is a piece of my heart that will never mend and I don’t see how I can learn to integrate love and grief (like Megan says in her book) as I try to be here for my husband Curtis and 14 year old son Ian. It has been nearly 6 weeks since our 12 year old son, Sulley, died and I feel like I hurt more today than I did several weeks ago (like more of my heart is gone). I cannot even take life day-by-day yet, but rather moment-by-moment and breath-by-breath. My husband and son need me here for them as much as I need them here for me, but sometimes it is hard to be ‘present’.
Sulley’s death completely blind-sided us and has devastated my family–the night he died, Curtis had the strength to say that we would get through this together and not let it tear our family apart. I knew then that we would get through, but I didn’t know how and I’m still not sure, but one thing I know is that we cry together and are not ashamed of our grief, hurt and sadness. Laughing, joy and/or happiness right now doesn’t happen very often, YET. We are adjusting because Curtis and Ian and I need each other here and now.
It is impossible for me to imagine our lives without Sulley being physically here, but he is constantly in my mind and heart. I can hear his voice and I look for him wherever I am. He knew my favorite smell was that of ‘a clean boy’, so he let me smell his hair every time he showered, and I can still smell him today. I do not ever want to live my life without these reminders even though it makes my heart hurt that much more.
My wife Barbara died almost a year ago. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in October 2016 and died a short ten months later. Never did I think she was going to die until the last four days of her life. That October we also started building our new house. She was at least able to live there for six months. Now I sit in a large house on the Hill with a beautiful view of the Mississippi with out my love of 46 years. She was my best friend, my wife, my confidant. Always played to my ego and was non judgmental.
So glad I found “it’s ok that your not ok”. Wish all my friends and relatives could read this book . Then they would know just how I feel.
I feel like I’m living in a surreal word. Like I’m living in a fog. I feel alone even in a crowd. I feel conflicted. I feel sad. I’ve generally felt like s… for a year.
I do want to move on but my mind keeps taking me back to the last four days of her life. Will I ever experience happiness again? Will I ever have fun again? I know it’s ok that I’m not ok…..but will I ever be ok? I know happiness is inside me…but it just won’t come out.
Does grief last forever? God, I miss you Barb.
My beautiful wife passed away from cancer at 49 on May 1 2018, so I am just over 2 months into this journey. We had a beautiful union, and one of the cards said “if she had not witnessed our relationship, she would not even think it was possible.” So I feel like I’m dealing with 2 losses – her and “us”. My grief counselor recommended the book so I will get it on my kindle this weekend. I feel like I am in a fog that will never lift. The blog had asked if we’ve experienced good things since the loss – not many, but I did feel absolute brief joy when I discovered a Johnny Nash song I had never heard before – it’s called Halfway to Paradise. What a beautiful and sweet voice. I wish it was a replicable experience because for 3 minutes I could think of nothing else – it made my soul feel better
It will be a year at the end of this month since my darling love and soulmate passed away. It was a blessing that he didn’t have to struggle any longer. He was my best friend, ever! I miss his companionship, his sense of humor, his common sense, his smile, his warmth, his goodness, his affirmation, his understanding, compassion, integrity, and support. Most of all I miss his wonderful way of loving and appreciating me. We liked to plan and look forward to adventurous travel together. We were very affectionate and always expressed our love verbally and non-verbally to one another. He was the love of my life. I am so grateful we shared this kind of deep, amazing love.
We both enjoyed sports- both playing and being spectators. He was an awesome golfer and taught me all I know of playing golf. We loved the ocean and spend countless hours there hunting agates. The redwoods were also a favorite destination and we both thought of them as being in “our church.” The grief I have experienced has been gut-wrenching and I feel so isolated and desperately alone.
At first it was like I was in a dense fog and I never thought about doing self-care. My mind and heart were so consumed with this devastating loss. It will be a year on the 29th of this month and the grief often still consumes me. I still make pots and pots of tear soup! I am grateful for the loving kindness shown to me. It takes so much personal strength and courage to make it through each day. Blessings of comfort to each of you. I have really appreciated reading each one of your tributes to your dearly loved one. I appreciate the term “tending” to my grief – not making it go away and it being OK to not be OK.
My darling wife passed away dec 2017 from ALS. I’m so devistated I still don’t know how to feel. I’m angry with people who I know have good intentions but Jesus if I here another it’s gonna get better I’m going to scream.
So glad I found this site, I feel a bit less crazy. This is so damn hard it’s just soul crushing most days .
My husband passed away April 11, 2018 from ALS. It’s such an awful, awful disease. I’m so sorry for your heartache and loss.
Four years since the sudden and unexpected loss of my husband of 25 years. My world was torn apart. Here I sit still in a dark hole of depression. Rather than getting better, it seems to be worse. After one year of great support from friends and family, many of “our” friends have pulled away from me. Either because we were only friends “as a couple” or because they are tired of my low spirits. I miss him every day, have no motivation or energy to do anything. Spend many of my days reading- disappearing into books. I’m getting frightened for myself. Keep thinking something has to happen to pull me out of this deep hole. But it never does. But this site is good as it makes me realise I’m not alone in my feelings.
I read every single comment and shed more than a few tears. I lost my 47yo husband unexpectedly in July 2017. I’m still overwhelmed with grief, but I’m better able to function now than I was this time last year. I’ve struggled with severe memory problems since his death, which just complicates everything. Just know that this ‘journey’ is your own and you are allowed to grieve as long as you need to, but don’t get paralyzed with grief. Your loved one wouldn’t want the end of their life to cause you to grieve for the rest of your life. Eventually it will lessen its hold on you and you’ll notice a shift. I can’t tell you when because, like I said, everyone’s grief is different. You have to walk your own path and find the strength to smile again and laugh and enjoy activities you once loved. I don’t remember where I read it to give credit, but someone said something about grief being a stop-over, not a place to remain permanently.
Megan this post resonates with what I have started calling my “Bittersweet “ moments/life. Learning to live in bittersweet is a hard thing to do. We lost our 16 year old son, Connor, to a very unexpected tragic brain aneurism on July 31,2016. Then 6 months later, shy of one day when Connor died, my father died of a sudden heart attack . I can understand so many of the comments that have been posted here. Social media can be such a blessing and a curse as you try to navigate this space you are in. There have been many moments since Connor died that have come up where you want or feel like you should be happy, mainly for others like his classmates graduating, but it hurts so much to even try. One of my biggest bittersweet moments was when my daughter, his older sister, got engaged. This is supposed to be such a happy time for a family and for a mother and daughter to share and plan, but all I could think about was who would be missing and how she pleaded with her brother in the hospital to wake up because he had to be in her wedding one day. Bittersweet…figuring out how to have joy/sweet in the terrible pain/bitterness.
Stephanie
My dad died suddenly two years ago, and my mom died five days before Christmas 2018…I’m in utter disbelief that my life will ever contain joy again. Just when I thought I was acclimating to my dad’s death, my mom died. I get some brief solace through mindfulness meditation, but other than that my days are full of pain.
Tomorrow is 3 months since our 27 year old son Morgan died from DSRCT, a rare pediatric sarcoma (cancer). DSRCT is a cruel disease that mostly takes young men in their teens and 20s. We were able to access all the best care for Morgan, which bought him time (over 4 years after diagnosis), but despite all the efforts, he is gone now.
I cannot even really believe that he is gone forever. I’m 57, and I figure I have about 23 more years to live through before I can go at age 80 or so. I am pretty sure I will never be happy again. I am working with a grief counselor, and I am aiming to some day have a contented life. But there seems to be no “getting over” losing my handsome, smart, athletic, strong son before he really was able to experience life. He would have done so much good in the world; indeed, he did, with the time he had. It’s so unfair, and there are no answers for me. The book “It’s OK that you are not OK” is the best book on grief that I have ever read.
Megan. Thank you for making this time normal. It’s nearly 2 years since I lost my Grandad, my rock. I find myself constantly justifying the amazing relationship I had with him in order to try and help others understand the depth of my grief. It hurts, not as often as it did initially but still the feelings of sadness are overwhelming. I can’t believe I’ll never see him smile, that naughty twinkle in his eye, or hear his laughter. All of that hurts. I know I was lucky to have him for so long, but I miss him everyday!
Reading other people’s versions of loss helps me get through the harder days. I do experience joy and laughter too. I’m beginning to find a sense of balance.
A fabulous post, thank you. Everything you say I completely agree with. I lost my DH of 45 years almost 2 years ago. It took ages before I even felt I had a right to smile let alone feel joy or anything approaching happiness. Someone told me I had to make a new ‘normal’, this made so much sense as my old ‘normal’ has completely gone and I can do nothing about it. I am slowly building that new ‘normal’ but my Don is there, always guiding me. I even heard his voice the first time I attempted parallel parking (something that always filled me with dread) now it’s easy peasy! He was with me the biggest part of my life and is still there in the background but I am getting there. Thank you again. Wendy
I lost my husband/soulmate and best friend November 5 2016. He had a fatal heart attack in front of me and I couldn’t save him.. we were married one month short of 42 years, high school sweethearts and had been neighbours since we were 9 & 10. I knew him and he knew me like no other. It will be three years this November and I have at times made good strides and there are still the odd thing or days I can still fall to my knees sobbing. My heart is still shattered… I still refer to us and ours in conversations. Pretty sure everyone is tired of my discontent with my life… I also wished I could have died with him… since I still only feel partial compared to what I felt before this horrifying event. I have read many self help books hoping to somehow feel okay.. not a one has had that effect on me yet. It’s a very lonely sad existence I am living at this time.. I can’t wait for each day to be over so I can lay my weary body down to escape my realty only to wake up and start over again, I no longer wake excited to jump out of bed to see what this new day has to offer. No offer of something new and exciting….trying hard to stay optimistic most days but the reality keeps sneaking back in.
My husband died ten months ago after having a pain under his shoulder which was diagnosed as symptom of rare bile duct cancer. From diagnosis he had 6 weeks. He was 66. A vibrant full of life person well liked for his integrity helpfulness and commitment to helping others. He was the love of my life. We have four grown up daughters two have families , four grandchildren between them. They all adored him.
It would have been his birthday yesterday. One he shared with our youngest daughter.
I read It’s ok to not be ok not long after he died n read it again recently. I found different things to relate to each time. Like others it helps to know I’m not alone – though I too would not wish this life on anyone
I used to joke I’d have to find a job to retire from as I’ve been voluntary or 30 years since we helped found an organisation to support people labelled as having learning disabilities to live lives with real choice in their own homes.
I stood down as Chair n took up employment taking over some of his responsibilities on my 65 th Birthday two months after he died
In February this year we had Inspection by the regulating body ( we’ve previously been rated Outstanding)
We again got an outstanding report. But they took the rating down to Good as we didn’t have a Registered Manager in place at time of Inspection. !!! My husband had been it
They decided 5 months was ample time to replace him
No words !!
I hear him say – we’re not in it for awards. N were not. I’m just glad to have our girls and our lifelong work to continue. Even though it still doesn’t fill the gaping hole of grief
I know he’d want me to continue. But it’s so hard without him
Sorry fir the overlong post Thanks to you all for sharing x
What such sad heartfelt experiences, my position is I’m grieving for my brother who is totally hurting , describes it as being horrible since he lost his wife of almost 40 years, they met when she was 16 and he 20… Ally died 23rd August 2019, like many I have read, diagnosis to her death was only a matter of weeks, we all expected her to receive chemo or rad, and worst scenario was the possibility of losing her arm, she had been treated for a long time for a frozen shoulder and to discover she has a sarcoma ,was just devastating , I cry continually knowing my brother is grieving and misses her so much, they very much did everything together , I am so glad to have found this site and will purchase you book ASAP, I know it won’t rid him of his pain but hope it might bring some solace….. I pray for everyone , I hate that we have to suffer in life , god bless you all,
I lost my husband 19 years ago and can’t find a reason to go on and be happy. I would never end my life, but I feel I am being punished by living. I can’t find any comfort or happiness, and I don’t know anyone that will understand. I hate to think I am wasting my life away, but I know that I am and I don’t care.
I lost my son who suffered from PTSD. He died a year ago and I’m…nowhere. I’m nowhere and I guess I want to be here. Nothing is fun anymore, there’s no motivation, the world is black and white. I’m seeing a pscyriatrist and on antidepressants. I guess they worked a little at first but I felt that guilt over them working. This COVID-19 virus has no affect on my life. I’ve been inside away from people and now I can blame the virus. After he died, some people didn’t say anything, like they were avoiding me. Say something! Even it comes out wrong, say something! My son and I were so close and I couldn’t save him. Mom’s always make things better. I was supposed to fix it. I’m a totally different person if I’m a person at all. I’m really just taking up space. Don’t even know why I’m writing this. He and I both always wrote our thoughts down.
Leigh, I have the same feelings as you. My son died and it ripped him out of my future and his future. The pain of a child’s death is, like others mentioned, so different than a spouse’s death. Your child came from you, your body, and is now gone. I feel that mothers whose children died have symbolically and literally lost a part of themselves. And, like you said, mothers instinctively need to protect and fix for their kids. Part of the hard work we have to do is to face the worst proof imaginable that mothers cannot.
Please know that you are not alone as a mother whose child has died. There are thousands of us who feel pain that looks a lot like yours.
On July 12, 2020 my beloved wife passed away from a ruptured brain aneurism and massive stroke. We were married for 49 years. She was deaf and mute and I took care of her and taught her and protected her all those years. I was her husband and her interpreter and she was my wife and the love of my life. She was my whole world. Every where we went we always held hands. We were together every minute of our lives for the last 30 years of our marriage and we were so happy together no two people could be closer than we were. Now she is gone. I am 75 years old and in poor health. We are both strong Christians so I know her spirit is in heaven with Jesus but I am stuck here. She and I, as the Bible says, were one. Now half of me is in heaven and half of me is here in a living hell on earth without her. I pray and I pray for our sweet Lord Jesus to have mercy on this sick old man and bring me home to be with my sweet wonderful wife and him, yet here I am , still here. Each night I wake up and scream her name in sorrow when I reach for her beside me in bed and realize she is not there. I want so bad to die and be with her once again. I can’t eat and there is no joy in life at all for me now. I am driving every one around me nuts with my pain, grief, and sorrow. Nothin helps my pain. Nothing anyone says helps at all. The only thing that helps at all is my reading the Bible and praying for Jesus to take me home as soon as he is willing. I can not imagine years of this pain. I feel like half of me has been ripped from me. I miss her with every fiber of my being. I keep asking Jesus how, at my age, can I go on? What is the use of living old and sick and heart broken. I have no Will to live at all. God take me home!!!!!
I am so sorry my comment got posted three times. When I pushed the post button it said my comment had already been posted when I had not posted it. So I thought perhaps the post was too long so I shortened it and put the reason the hospital gave for the death even though myself and our entire family believe she may have died in a fall in the shower or on her way to the shower but we will never know for sure. Just adds to the grief.
I needed this tonight. My husband and my love story started when we were 17 . We lived together and had a love hate relationship for 3 years when we called it quits . We married other people and each had a boy and a girl. Fast forward we ran into each other at a ballgame with our sons and found out we were both going through a divorce. We were together from that day forward and married for 20 years till his sudden heart attack driving a low boy loaded down with equipment. For the life of me how did he get all that weight off the road with very little damage while having a heart attack. They said it was a widow maker. That term just pisses me off. We lived in a small town where most people were kin or knew each other. I still live there. Right out of the gate his family was acting weird I don’t think it was all grief. They challenged my marriage with his brother and mother spreading around town we were not married . He passed on a Thursday and I met his mother and kids at the funeral home on Saturday When the funeral director asked what his marital status was , I said married . His mother screamed at me saying we weren’t married his kids said the same. Finally I pulled out our marriage certificate and it stopped for the day. I have never been treated like that in my life and all of a sudden I was the bad guy. His brother even drove 3 hours away to get a copy of the original marriage certificate . I am sorry for such a long story but it’s mine and it’s been 7 years and the grieving is still there. I have forgiven his family for the way they treated ne I decided it’s how they grieved. I dont see them at all. I lost the only person who got me . I did not get to grieve because I had to go on self defense for myself and my husband. Yes he married me ….. I just want to live again he wouldn’t want me crying every night. It helped to know if I am to be happy I also can still honor him too. I’m trying to get me back ….
Thank you for reading this. Thank you for this site.
I also have lost my husband 21/2 months ago. I have been struggling with his death. I feel as I want to die so I can be with him. I am not sure how to go on. I wish everyday he was here. We were together 20 years but married 7 1/2 years and he was my true love. I really don’t think I could love anyone as much as I love him. I really can’t see my future without him, but here I am trying to put my shattered life back together. I really don’t have support as I don’t have friends and my girls are grown with families of their own, so I am here on my own trying to make sense of it all and trying to figure out where I fit in this new norm.
This sucks completely. I hate living without my wife, plain and simple.
My handsome smart funny husband of 54 years died last September after being sick with COPD and heart issues for a year. He died three days after collapsing on the way to his retirement party. He was 89. 14 years older than me. It’s a little over a year and I still am in so much pain without him. I cannot believe he’s gone. He was everything to me. I can’t bear coming home to an empty home every day. My friends and family don’t know what to do or say to me. I’ve told them there’s nothing. No one can make me even slightly happy. I haven’t been happy since he died. Not one day. I’ve tried dating but I just can’t feel anything for anyone other than Bob. I hate being alone but I don’t know how or if I can ever love someone again. It’s so unbearably painful.
I don’t know how we learn to fill that void in the shape of our beloveds. Yet, we are human and our desire for the comfort that we knew is so strong sometimes that we seem sometimes to seek out someone to do that…comfort us. The aching pain is exhausting isn’t it? Your grief is so very new (mine husband of 30 years died 21 months ago). I know well that ‘no one can make me even slightly happy’. I felt that for a very long time even in the midst of my children and grandchildren and best friends. I felt that joy had simply fled and the path back to that, erased with David’s last breath. I also am beginning to learn that maybe what I am seeking now is not so much to ‘love’ another in the same way that I loved him…because I know that is not possible…all that he was in the flesh is gone….But….I know that love still exists and gradually I am feeling the deepest gratitude for the people who love me even when I have not been as able to express that. I am beginning to ‘feel’ something beyond the pain (which is always there beneath the surface…but softening). I also know that I want a companion, someone to simply ‘be’ with. That’s a big ask…but not impossible…so I stay open to that….I just don’t hold on to the expectation too tightly. I cannot say how it will be for you. I can say though, treat your own tender heart with the same love and attention that you would give to another whom you love deeply. Your heart, though aching, YOU, though in pain…are worthy of the love that you gave to your Bob….and sometimes we are the only ones who can give ourselves what we need, the way we need it…..if that makes sense. My heart hears yours.
I lost the love of my life 1 year & 5 mo ago – we were married for 33 years & hve 1 son – whose now a man . My husband inherited a liver disease from his mother – his 3rd brother died of the disease – it’s called NASH- it’s a non alcoholic liver disease . The summer of 2019 we were expecting my husband to hve a liver transplant , he came home in May & told me that his liver dr – transplant surgeon told him that he had liver cancer – diagnosed in May & he died 5 days after my birthday – September 27, 2019 . I still can not believe he’s really gone . My life is so empty without him. He used to always call me his beautiful wife – when he would say those words- his dimples would come out & his blue eyes would smile ! Everyday I miss my Lou !! – will I ever. Feel happy in this life after losing him ? Right now , doesn’t seem possible !!
I am still pretty new to the loss of my sweet Karl. He wasn’t feeling great but he never got sick I did all the time. He was diagnosed on a Wednesday with pancreatic cancer. Hospice came in on Friday and he died on Monday. I went into shock it was all too fast I simply couldn’t and can’t believe it. I listened to the audio book version of Its Ok that you’re Not Ok. I use audio these days I can’t stay focused reading. Happy is not in my vocabulary or in my heart or head. I fake it at work it’s easier but deep inside I just want to run and scream most every day. Karl was my first and only love I feel as though I have died too. I’m in therapy and my therapist is wonderful he thinks outside the box. I’m a Social Worker most all of my days are spent helping others. The problem is right now I don’t have that much to give. I try very hard and it’s odd, a job I loved and was good at and happy with before now has become a struggle. I go back and forth like a pendulum swinging trying to find the middle ground. The book is a huge help with validation of my feelings.