Grief is hard any time of year, but the holiday season can feel particularly brutal. If you’re trying to support someone you love, this comic is for you. And if you’d like some help educating friends and family on the best ways to support you, this comic is for you, too.
Illustrator Brittany Bilyeu and I teamed up to share some of the most common helpful (and unhelpful!) things people can do to make the holiday season a little more gentle on grieving people.
Let’s share this comic around! Most people want to help, they just aren’t sure how. By sharing this post (and others from the RIG archives), we help everyone get better at delivering the love and support they intend. And be sure to check out illustrator Brittany Bilyeu’s awesome shop.
Grief can feel particularly brutal during the holidays. Trying to support someone you love? This comic is for you. Need some help educating friends & family on the best ways to support you? We've got you. Comics FTW. Click To TweetAnd an important note: if this is your first time to the Refuge in Grief site, welcome. Please look around. There’s a lot of good stuff here for grieving people and those who want to support them. Check out this page for an orientation to all the awesome to be found. And come join us on Patreon… it’s the home of the Grief Revolution.
The one thing I hate is that people are afraid to say my husband’s name or to talk about him. As if it will remind me that he isn’t here. And even things I say about him are rarely commented on. I’m ok. Talk about jim. Tell stories. I want to hear them! If I cry, it’s ok.
Yes! I completely understand I want to scream and tell family it’s ok to say my son’s name. I might cry but it’s better than people acting like he never existed
I am sorry for your loss..I too, feel like some folks want to erase my daughter’ s memory.. I have in laws who have yet to even express their sympathy.. it’s been 9 months ..this hurts and angers me beyond belief
My husband just died on Dec 17th and I know exactly what you mean because I learned it as a little girl growing up. For 8 yrs of grammar school no one talked about my Mother to me, who had died when I was in kindergarten and when occasions in school involved making Mothers Day cards I would see ” the look” on some of my classmates faces toward me. I never spoke about her to anyone, I sensed no one wanted me to so Im not surprized to read that the same thing happens to widows. Somethings just dont change….
Yes yes yes on not talking about the dead person. I’ve lost several family members and the worst thing about the grieving process is when someone comes up and mentions my loved ones at a party or social event. It’s like slamming back into a wall I forgot was there, and the worst part is that I end up having to comfort the person who brings it up while trying not to spiral into despair. I understand that the people and articles like this are just trying to help, but, like so many well-intended gestures towards grieving people, they just miss the mark for those of us who prefer to keep our grief to ourselves. There is no “one size fits all” approach to making the connection with your grieving friend during the holidays. The only advice I have is not to follow an internet article when dealing with human emotions: just try to be gentle with those who are in pain, and use what you know about the person to gauge your response. If the person is reserved and doesn’t tend to share their emotions (this can include people who are always cheerful or blustery – it’s defensive coloring to avoid having to share private emotions), then don’t try to get them to “open up for their own good”. Just give them a hug, or squeeze on the arm, and tell them you’re glad to see them. If they’re crying in a corner or telling everyone within earshot that they lost someone, then that’s your cue to ask if it’s okay to tell your favorite memory of the person.
Excellent advice!
The first Christmas without my husband a neighbor invited me and my children to come to their house Christmas eve. What a nice gesture. Sure I was still sad but they understood thst.
Very sound and helpful advice. It amazes me how few people know how to support their grieving friends and family.
Being sad is natural and shouldn’t make people uncomfortable. Grieving is part of life and should even be cherished as part of a healing process.
I lost my 24 years old brother almost 6 month ago. It hurts badly. This season is so tough. I cry every time I see his picture or think of him. I keep myself pretty busy, but I cry anytime for no reason…
This is wonderful information. I have a question on a closely related topic. I have been in the company of dying people and would love help on how to support them in conversation.